Curb Your Enthusiasm

Okay, I just wanted to take you through

the main points of the sexual harassment complaint

- from your assistant. - Right. Right. Right.

The first contention is you yanked at her clothes.

I yanked at her... I cleaned my glasses.

- Cleaned your glasses. - Her shirttail was sticking out.

I cleaned my glasses. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

- Send me to the cooler. - I don't want you to worry about it.

I can handle this.

If she gets anything at all here, it would be a travesty.

And I would, I would leave the country.

I don't know where I'd go, but I would leave.

I hear Canada is a good place, maybe.

- But it's cold. - I don't recommend moving to Canada.

What about... what about like a Pacific island or something?

I want to assure you that as upsetting as this is,

I think we'll either be able to make it go away

or come to a reasonable settlement.

- What? Come to a what? - An amicable arrangement...

A settlement? A reasonable settlement?

"Millions for defense. Not one cent for tribute."

That's what we said when the British were impressing our seamen.

You, you know they tried to impress our seamen, right?

They'd be on the ship, they'd yell across at one of our ships.

"Hey, there! We have the best dental plan in all of Europe.

"Why, look at our bicorn hats and fancy brass buttons.

How's that, sailors? Are you impressed by that?"

Anything else we haven't gone over?

- Hmm. - Okay.

If anything comes to you after this conversation...

- You'll be the first to know. - you're in your car, you're driving home...

- Yeah. - Pick up the phone.

- Really? - Yeah.

If I do happen to call you, which I very well could,

does that mean that I'll be charged for the time?

In this office, we, uh, we try to use a holistic approach

- to compensation. - Mm.

We want our clients not to be inhibited

in their use of our services.

So you charge me.

Yeah.

Uh, all right, I think that takes care of it.

- May I use your bathroom? - Yeah, the bathroom's, uh,

just to your right, down the hall.

Right there at reception where you came in, there's a little jog in the hallway.

Yeah. No. I already saw that, but I'm here, and, you know, it's...

- an infinitely better bathroom than to send me to a public... - Oh, it's nothing special.

You'll be much happier down the hall. We just redid 'em. They're great.

I'll leave it exactly the way I found it.

I'm like a murderer going in there.

I completely expunge all evidence that I was ever there.

Motion denied, as they say in the profession.

Where is it?

Roger: Down the hall and to the right.

Hi.

- Mr. David. - Validation, please.

Is that a problem?

Well, I mean, to be perfectly honest,

do you really think that you need it?

It's not about the money, okay?

It's about having to go into your pants pocket,

in a car when you're paying.

Have you ever been in a car trying to get to your pocket?

- It does seem like a great deal of effort. - Yes.

This is why homeless people don't make a lot of money

from people in cars, 'cause nobody wants to go into their pockets.

There you are, Mr. David. You have a lovely day.

Yeah. Uh, you know what?

This is only for an hour.

I was here for at least an hour-ten.

Sure thing.

Here, Mr. David. You have a good day.

Hope to see you again. I intend to be in this building a lot.

That's fantastic.

Hello?

Larry, uh, this is Dr. Bahn.

-Yeah? -I'm not liking some of the numbers I'm seeing

and would like to test you for thyroid cancer.

Dr. Bahn: I would like to get an MRI

just to be safe.

Is there a mass?

Yes. There is a mass.

Has it... spread?

Well, that we don't know, and that's why

I'd like to get you in for some tests today.

-What are my odds? -Dr. Bahn: Uh, Larry, it's way too early

to be thinking that way.

Just contact my office, and, uh,

we should get the results in two days.

- Andy: And a two of hearts. - Richard: Ooh, lucky you.

Possible flush, no straight.

-Go ahead, Leon. You got the bet. -Woo!

- You got the bet. - See what I got.

- Larry: Come on, spend some money. - Bam!

- Nope. - Andy: Swat?

- Richard? - Two.

Ooh.

All right, I'm in.

Why weren't you at the fundraiser the other night?

- For the prison art collectors? - What, what, what fundraiser?

For the prisoners who draw art.

I sent you the invitation. Why weren't you there?

- I never got the invite. - We sent it.

Never got it. Must have got lost in the mail.

Aah, boy. I don't trust the mail anymore. I swear I don't.

That stinks. I would have gone to that.

- You would have enjoyed it. - Leon: Wow.

Andy: All right, next card is a ten of spades.

- I'm out. I fold. - Andy: Okay, he's out. Go ahead.

Andy: You're out. You check.

- Richard: I fold. - Fold.

- Really? - I just wanna give you... Yeah.

I wanna give you a heads up.

Susie's birthday is in about a week.

Why are you giving me a heads up?

Uh, she told me to tell you.

-Get the hell out of here. She told you to tell me? -Jeff: Yeah. Yeah.

As a matter of fact, she wants a camera.

She's shameless, this woman. She's shameless.

- It's unbelievable. - Wow.

You don't get to pick your gift, okay?

-I'm not a Sears catalog. -Just lettin' you know. Just lettin' you know.

Anyway, I already got her something. It's gonna be a nice surprise.

- Really? - Larry: Yeah.

All right, nine is the last card.

You got the bet.

Go ahead. You guys are out. Go ahead.

I just want you to know before you bet, I have a pair of aces.

Okay. Twenty bucks, aces.

I have a pair of aces. I call. What do you have?

- Larry: Okay. I got three nines.

- Ooh! Shit! - Andy: That's unbelievable.

- Huh? - Leon: Ate your ass for dinner.

On the river, you get a nine.

Richard: Cincinnati Kid.

You are the luckiest guy around.

- Honest to God. - Yeah, yeah, luckiest guy around.

I went to the doctor this week, and, I, uh...

She found something, and...

- She's testing for, you know, cancer, so... - Jeff: Wow.

- I'll find out in a few days. - Really?

- Yeah. I'm sure it's nothing, you know. - Jeff: You're kidding me.

Leon: Shit, Larry. God damn.

You're up.

Well, I just want to let you know,

lettin' you know,

- if you do have cancer... - Mm.

I can't be your friend anymore.

I-I'm not a cancer friend. I can't do the cancer friend.

-That's not me. It's too much. Too much. -Mm. Yeah.

You know, I gotta agree with Jeff.

If you get cancer, I'll never speak to you again.

- Andy: Wow. - I get that. Yeah.

When I found out my daddy had cancer,

I never spoke to that man again.

- I even stopped taking his calls. - Wow. Really?

- Swat: Yep. - Did he die?

I don't know.

- Mm. - Whoa.

Leon: That's fuckin' deep, man.

All right, I'll tell you what. I have a proposal.

Let's make a little deal here, okay?

A no-cancer friend reciprocity pact.

If anyone gets it, we all stop being friends with you,

and vice versa.

- There you go! - Very gracious of you!

Don't fuck up. Don't fuck with me, I won't fuck with you.

-Larry: All right. -Leon, your deal. Come on, let's play poker.

- Leon: Let's go, baby. - Jeff: Okay.

Sorry I'm late.

- It's okay. - You know what?

I detest every single person in a car.

- There are a lot of stupid drivers, yeah. - Yeah.

How are you feeling?

I'm better.

- I'm a lot better. - I'm really sorry about

that talc incident.

I say next time, just...

do the shower, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, geez, look at, look at this thing.

- Huh? - Yeah, I know, it's...

Jesus, look, look, what... I, I don't understand it.

- Another wobbly table. - I know.

They're all over. It's an epidemic.

I'm gonna end the wobbly table epidemic, in my coffee house.

- Mm. - Ours are gonna be cemented in...

- They're gonna be cemented in the ground. - Mm-hmm.

Ah. You know what? I think I'll do a little, uh,

a little side-sitting.

- A side-sit? - Yeah. A side-sit.

I don't think that's a good idea.

- Why? What's the big deal? - Well, it's, uh, very intimate.

I... This is too far to talk to somebody.

It feels a little close.

- I don't think so. - Okay.

Oh.

- There you go. - Thank you.

Larry: It's my mailman. His name's Lionel.

Hey.

- Cheryl: Lionel? - Larry: Yeah.