Mom

I was just fixing Beverly's disposal.

She told me the funniest joke.

Studying.

What's the difference

between a golf ball and a G-spot?

A man will never stop looking for a golf ball.

Hilarious, right?

Men are oafs.

Mom, please, I've got my LSATs next week.

- I've really got to study. - I get it. Once again, the LSATs are..?

Law School Admissions Test.

Oh, sure, L-S-A-T.

Oh, that's an easy way to remember it.

- Mom! - Sorry, sorry,

I'll just grab a bite and leave you to it.

Can I just say one thing?

I doubt it.

I am so proud of you.

- Thanks. - I mean, look how far you've come,

from pregnant high school dropout

to wannabe law school student in just 22 short years.

23 if you don't shut up.

Sorry. Quiet as a mouse.

Hey.

It's a carrot.

I can still hear it.

Sorry.

Oh, for God's sake, just finish it.

Ta-da!

Now what are you doing?

Capturing a precious memory...

My amazing daughter studying for... some test.

LSAT. LSAT.

Right, LSAT. I'm leaving now,

but if you need anything, let me know. So proud.

Didn't support me for 40 years.

All of a sudden, we're the Gilmore Girls.

I have to take these again. You look really angry.

- Back! - I didn't make a sound.

I can smell your mustache bleach.

- But I'm thirsty. - Get in the shower and open your mouth.

But first, get the door.

So tiny and so mean.

Like a Chihuahua.

- Hey, baby. - Nope!

Adam's back early! Stall him for a minute.

A minute? Have you seen yourself?

- Hey, Adam, when'd you get back? - This morning.

What was I just looking at?

Yeah... you never want to see how the sausage is made.

So, how was your job?

Ah, the movie's a piece of crap, but the check cleared,

and I got a picture of The Rock carrying me like a baby.

Why are both your shirts off?

I don't know, it all happened so fast.

Uh, listen, there's something else I wanted to...

Adam, I wish I could talk, but I'm cramming

for the LSAT on Thursday.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You're making a huge mistake, but, oh, my God!

- You think she'll like it? - Yes, it's beautiful.

- I can't believe you're doing this. - I can't, either.

But six weeks away from your mother felt like six months.

Turns out I wasn't just saying "I love you" to get laid.

- I am so happy for you guys! - Oh.

So, how you gonna ask her?

I thought I'd take her to the burger shack

where we had our first official date.

A shack? You are going to propose to her at a shack?

Uh... "shack" is misleading.

It's more like a hut. It's a permanent structure.

Look, this is her first and hopefully last proposal ever.

This is a moment she will remember always.

You're starting to freak me out a little.

Here's what you're gonna do.

There's this restaurant Spetrino's.

We can't afford it, you can.

You want a table

in the room with the twinkle lights.

After she finishes the osso buco, you signal the waiter

to bring over the Grand Marnier soufflé.

- Yeah, but doesn't that... ? - The alcohol burns off.

Anyway,

the ring is already hidden in the soufflé,

and as he comes up to the table,

you get down on one...

You sit where you are and pop the question.

That's a lot of detail off the top of your head.

I am loaning you my dream. Don't mess it up.

Adam?! I didn't know you were here.

Enjoy your sausage.

That's a little forward, but I intend to.

- Come on, tell us. - Not until Jill gets here.

But trust me, this is big.

Bonnie and Adam are getting married.

No. Not even close.

Actually, before Jill gets here,

I really want to say something not nice about her,

but it's only 'cause I care.

I think I want to say the same not-nice thing,

but it's only 'cause I care, too.

Ladies, she's had a rough couple of months,

and it's not for us to judge how she is or isn't handling it.

Well, I'm her friend and, damn it, I'm gonna say something.

Shh, shh. Here she comes.

Hey!

Can I get a strawberry milkshake over here with one straw?

Scootch over, Wendy.

I thought I did.

So what'd I miss?

Christy?

Well, Jill... as your friend,

um, I think I should tell you that...

... Adam is proposing to my mother tonight!

- Oh, my God! - Wonderful!

Hey, I guessed that!

You want a prize, go to a carnival.

Bonnie, how you doing up there?

Our reservation's at 8:00.

Relax. It's only 8:15.

So that's what pacing is for you.

I'm a little nervous.

Just close your eyes and pretend The Rock is cradling you.

That actually helps.

Hey, why are we schlepping all the way across town to eat?

Because I heard Spetrino's is amazing.

Yeah, but we're already late... Nobody's fault...

But, you know, why don't we just go grab a burger?

A burger? Christy, she wants a burger.

Nope, no, no, no. There will be no burgers.

This wonderful man

was thoughtful enough to invite you

to a beautiful, romantic restaurant.

Millions of women would trade places with you in a minute,

so you are going to get out there

and have the best damn night of your life!

Okay, relax. If it means that much to you.

And while we're out, may I recommend you

Masturbate?

No, I really should study.

Christy, open up.

Your mom told me you're home.

Another reason to hate her.

Natasha, I really can't talk right now.

And you're in.

I need your help. My caseworker told me

I can't get my daughter out of foster care until I get a job.

What the hell am I gonna do?

- Get a job? - Doing what?!

And now you're sitting.

Okay, let's see.

- What have you done besides stripping? - I was a coke dealer.

So, sales experience.

My job in rehab was to clean the toilets.

Maintenance.

But I bribed other people to do it for me.

Management.

See? You're gonna be fine.

Now I really need to study.

Did you see me stand up there?

Well, maybe I can just go back to stripping.

That club near the airport is hiring.

Not the nice one.

All right, I will help you find a job tomorrow.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

I really should've gone upstairs.

I hope you saved room for dessert.

I'm eight feet tall; there's always room.

But first I got to freshen up.

Uh, can't it wait?

FYI, "freshen up" is lady talk for "tinkle,"

which is baby talk for "take a whiz."

Fine, go. It's...

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

What the hell is going on?

I think someone put a ring in the dessert

so he could ask the woman he loves to marry him.

I think someone is lame.

Oh, my God, you're the lame guy.

Bonnie Plunkett, will you marry me?

Yes, Adam, I will marry you.

Excuse me, uh,

I could get you another one, but it'll take 45 minutes.

No! I want to see the ring.

I'm so sorry I screwed this up.

Are you kidding? You-you took a romantic moment

and turned it into a fire hazard,

and that's why I love you.

Got it.

Another reason I love you.

Adam, it's... it's beautiful.

Excuse me. I'm over 50,

and a man is putting a ring on my finger. Nothing?

I am gonna make you the best wife.

I mean, I'm gonna try.

I think I can do it.

I want to do it.

Can I do it?

Of course you can.

Yeah, you're right, you're right, I can do it.