GameFace

Why are you dressed like that?

I've just finished work and didn't have time to change, obviously.

Right.

Or did you think I thought, "Oh, I know what Jon might be into.

"Massive fairies."

OK, what have I told you about flirting in a vehicle?

That you're massively into it? Can we just get on with this?

It's been a long day. OK.

These Spanx are so tight.

They have to come off.

What? The shoes, Marcella, sorry.

I'm sorry. The shoes have to come off.

They can't stay on. Spanx are fine.

It's fine, Jon. Your car, your rules.

I'm going to keep the knickers on for a bit, if that's OK with you.

Start the car, Marcella.

Let's burn rubber. No, let's try and master the absolute basics.

Handbrake off. Oh, fucking hell.

You want a war? I'm not playing, you electric fuck shit!

It's not an electric car.

Yeah, so this Simon character. Is he your boyfriend, then?

No, he's my ex. Right. Well, he seems very keen to speak to you.

Well, I'm not keen to speak to him.

We split up over a year ago and two weeks after we split up,

he went to Vegas and married a girl he knew for six days,

on my fucking birthday. So, now he's ringing, like, what, I'm going

to answer the phone? I don't think so.

Come on, you utter spunk basket.

OK, he has phoned four times in the last hour.

It's clearly affecting your concentration.

Why don't you just answer the phone and ask him to stop calling you?

And you can stop hurling insults at my vehicle.

I mean, it's worse than the inane flirting.

OK, mate. I'm trying to park this evil, shitty...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! THUD

That was you. That was you.

Hello? Marce? So, what's going on?

I've been trying to call you. Why aren't you picking up?

I thought we were going to meet. I... Yeah, I...

Why didn't you even turn up? I need to see you.

Uh, shoes.

What? What shoes?

Some horrible man took my shoes.

It's a long story. Jesus Christ. Right, OK, well, whatever, look.

Marce, is it all right if we meet up later today, say, I don't know,

three o'clock, Cafe Nord?

OK. Great, thank you. It'll be good to see you.

Yeah, no, I...

That's my nan. I've really got to go.

I'll see you later, OK? Three o'clock. Bye. Yeah...

Yeah. The thing is, Simon, I don't actually want to meet you, actually.

Sorry, but shit has changed and there's a new sheriff in town.

And that's me, and I have cleaned this town up.

So, I hope that is crystal clear,

cos I'm trying to learn to drive today. So, thank you for checking

in, but really appreciate if you keep your distance.

Comprende?

What time are you meeting him?

Three o'clock.

Oh. Hi, Marcella.

Hey, Linda. I thought you were Gerardo's pizza.

No, just me, I'm afraid.

I've been waiting over an hour.

Probably give them a call.

I have, twice.

I'm scared if I call him again,

someone might wipe his arse on my pizza, or worse.

Is there worse? You're so naive.

They could sprinkle it with dog shit if they wanted, babe.

If they used the cheese grater, I'd barely be able to notice.

OK, then, don't call them.

You've got a lot of mail. What the hell?

Oh, yeah.

I'm going on a little walking holiday in the summer.

You know, a bit of me time.

Wild.

What? You're reading Wild.

Oh, yeah. But I had the idea before I read it.

Yeah, been there, mate. After I read Eat, Pray, Love,

I bought myself an axe and a Tangle Teezer.

What? What's an axe and a Tangle Teezer got to do with

Eat, Pray, Love? I don't know.

I'm not a psychologist, bitch.

One minute, I'm reading the book, yeah, and then the next minute...

Oh, he's here. He's here.

Are you clean, boy?

DEN-zel Washington. It's Den-ZEL, mate, Trust me.

YouTube it!

How do I look?

Fine. Fine?

Oh, yeah. That's what I was going for. Heavy dose of fine.

OK, honestly, you look a bit like you're going

to your sugar daddy's funeral.

OK. Well, I'm going to take that as a compliment.

The chain looks a bit like you're about to do a TED Talk on animation.

It's... It's not very you.

What you mean, it's not very me?

I love animation. I love the Simpsons.

Marce, what are you going to say

if he says he still has feelings for you?

That's not what this is. I mean, look, sure,

it's nice to be missed. Good! Don't forget how far you've come.

It's... It's been a long year.

You look lovely. Cleavage is a bit much.

Yeah, I couldn't really... I've tried to...

Everything's dirty.

Hey. Hey.

You all right?

Can I get a flat white, please?

And a bit of cake.

Cake, what kind? I don't mind.

I'll let you... Any.

I've got many different kinds.

Walnut cake, carrot cake, chocolate mousse cake, double chocolate...

Battenberg!

Generic bit of your nice cake, please.

So, how are you?

I'm not great, Pud.

Sorry, Marcella.

Funny, I never really called you Marcella, did I?

12 years of going out

and I called you by your proper name, what, five times?

Right.

You OK? Good? Yeah, yeah.

Keeping busy.

Do a lot of Pilates now, and sort of got heavily into animation.

So, why the call?

Showing up at my work? Say what you've got to say.

Marce, I was trying to tell you at the office, it's my mum.

She...

She died.

What? Yeah. She's dead.

Oh, my God.

When? Last Tuesday.

She'd had a stroke.

I mean, I wasn't even here, you know?

I hadn't seen her in over a year.

It's just came out of nowhere, you know?

I know what she meant to you. She was a lovely woman. She adored you.

I mean, she was furious with me for...

Fucking hell, Marce. I'm such a mess.

I've been trying to keep it together for my dad and Ange,

but I just feel like such a stupid little boy.

I'm so sorry.

OK, one flat white, and I went for the red velvet.

Not my personal favourite, but I just thought maybe you'd like...

Put it down. Put down the cake.

When's the funeral? It's at St John's.

It's Wednesday at 11. You'll be there, won't you?

Of course, I'll come. You're not

going to blag your way out of it like last time? What? Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

I thought...

What? What did you think?

I thought I'd text...

I thought I'd said I'd text back, and I just hadn't, and I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Of course, I'll be there.

It's good to see your face, Marce.

I've got to go, cos I've got all the family back at the house.

Yeah, of course. I should be there, you know.

Thank you.

You have had quite a week.

How have you dealt with the stress?

The trinity: carbs, fags, wine.

And how many units of alcohol would you say you drink a week?

Not loads.

A little more than I should.

And have you ever done something you've regretted because of alcohol?

Yeah, of course I've done things have regretted because of alcohol.

Yeah, I'm not up for this.

I think we should just use your one.

I don't... I haven't...

I've never... Come on!

Get your one out.

OK, have you ever taken drugs?

I smoke weed a bit.

But I've only taken Class As once, years ago.

Only the once? And yet you seem like somebody with no willpower

whatsoever, and you've only taken... OK.

Got it!

Hot ice.

Turn up the sound a bit, Marce. It sounds bad, like, not cool.

Never mention it again, please.

Oi, oh, this is hot.

It was my big idea of...

I can't believe I've invented hot ice.

Why? Ice is meant to be cold.

You shouldn't have done this.

Hot ice! Freaking me out.

I'm out. Hot ice. I want cold ice. Hot ice! Cold ice.

Hot ice!

I was up for nine hours trying to bend water, so...

first and last time.

Also, my brother Billy does have a proper drugs problem

so...I leave the drugs to him.

Did you use any of the techniques we discussed last week?

Wh... uh... The gratitude journal.

Yes, I did! Oh! Uh, yes. Fantastic.

Oh. It was a pretty chaotic week, uh, what with, you know,

Simon and the funeral and stuff, so...