Like a Boss

What? He was just at the bar

without any security or anything?

Wait, I haven't gotten to the best part.

Next thing I know, we're in his hotel room,

and he's lathering up my titties with that little bar of soap.

It's crazy, because I'm not even attracted to him.

He's got no ass.

- You're more of an ass girl. - Exactly.

I like my men to have ass, indeed. Okay?

I don't care if they can read.

But let me state,

Barack Obama straight fucked the shit out of me.

- What? - But I couldn't even enjoy it.

I was feeling so bad for Michelle the whole time.

I told you not to read her book. It's ruined all my fantasies about him.

I can block out his mom jeans, but not Sasha and Malia.

What was his dick like this time?

It was dignified and confident.

That dick was presidential.

- You want to shower first? - Your hair takes longer.

I'm just gonna dry shampoo.

Why? It's not even greasy yet. You're good.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Why is dream sex way better than real sex?

Because they come when you want them to.

Girl, that is so true!

When I'm done, they're done! Hello!

- Hey. - Hey.

How was your night, Syd?

Yeah, how was that muffuletta?

Oh, well, I ended up eating the whole thing.

And then I realized I didn't take the paper out between the cheese slices.

So I'm a little backed up.

- That's okay. Good fiber. - Mm-hmm.

You're probably gonna shit a novel.

Oh, God, I sure hope so.

Wow, Syd. Let me step in for a minute. Can I tap you out?

Guess what? We have the best makeup artist in the house.

One of the owners.

- Hey, B. - Hey, girl, how you doing?

Did you finish up that last batch of plum lipsticks?

Uh-huh.

Oh, my God.

When did Mia mix that? It's gorgeous.

I know, right? She's a genius.

It's infuriating.

These aren't done yet.

She didn't finish the mascaras?

I don't like snitching on your non-sexual life partner.

Yes, you do, Barret.

She ate some weed candy and said she'd finish tomorrow.

Okay. I'll clean it up in a bit.

- So, where you headed to tonight? - Uh, homecoming.

Homecoming! Okay, what color is your dress?

- White and gold. - White and gold...

All right, so now let's finish those eyebrows off.

They're great brows, too. Never ever pluck them too much, okay?

'Cause thick is where it's at!

- So gorgeous. - Thank you.

- Homecoming, I hear? - Yes.

- Can I see? - First, I want you to say,

"I'm a badass bitch. Look at me and bow down."

But don't tell your mom.

I'm a senior. Give me a fucking break.

Oh, sorry.

Okay.

I'm a badass bitch. Look at me and bow down.

Yes! Take a look.

Oh, my God.

That's me!

And remember, no sex tonight, okay?

Homecoming sex is the worst.

Because your date gets to dancing, they get all sweaty,

and that sweat gets trapped under their cummerbund,

then that moves down to Funkytown, and that's how you get a yeast infection.

And you don't want a yeast infection.

Plus, you know, you're only super tight for a limited time,

so you don't want to waste it.

Amen!

Thanks so much for everything.

- All right. - Bye, baby.

- You look gorgeous! - Have fun tonight. Be safe!

If you not safe, name it after me.

What... You didn't charge her the full amount.

We gave her the cute nerd discount.

We've talked about this.

Guys, we're barely keeping our heads above water.

We're doing fine.

The One Night Stand kit is selling like crazy.

Yeah. I can't make them fast enough.

I know. Maybe that's the problem.

But if you can't get it, that's what makes it cool.

Yeah. People love being denied.

Quality is what we do, right?

I mean, we don't want to mess up our street cred. Right?

Right. Right.

All right, well, we're going to Kim's baby shower.

See you guys tomorrow.

Actually, no. We'll be back. We'll see you this afternoon.

Okay! See you tomorrow!

Kim's house get even bigger?

She probably had one of those Japanese toilets installed

that blow-dry your coochie.

Wow.

It must be nice having money.

Hi!

Hey!

Hey!

You guys are so sweet to always do our makeup.

We want you to look good, and you do.

- You look real good, pregnant girl! - Oh, thank you.

I actually feel amazing.

Just wait.

Little Ryder. He's such a little cuddle bug, and so chubby!

I know. His little fat folds catch all the food I eat.

Same, girl. Same over here.

Hi.

Hi. Perfect timing!

- Where should I put it? - Over here is great. Come on in.

What did you guys do?

This is a little something... to show your future.

What the...?

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Is this vagina eating this poor baby doll's head?

Is this chocolate sprinkles your pubes?

Oh, my God. This is so beautiful.

You talking about this frosted replica of your vagina?

- That's exactly what it looks like. - Ew.

I got completely waxed, though.

I want a clean work space for the doctor.

That is so considerate! I made them find it.

I can't believe you don't want one of these.

- You talking about a pussy cake? - No, a baby!

- You know our business is our baby. - Hell, yeah.

I know, but I just get worried

that you guys are gonna wait too long and miss out.

- We got time. - Yeah, Janet Jackson had a baby at 50.

Exactly. And you can have a successful career and a baby.

I'm doing both.

I'm losing my fucking mind!

I had a dream last night that Ryder was crawling around on the floor.

There were a bunch of mousetraps,

and they kept taking pieces of him away from me

until there was nothing left.

Oh, you got to do it!

So how is the business going?

I mean, we don't have shit tons of money,

but we're doing pretty great.

Oh, really? Seriously?

- Okay. - So... you're okay?

Online sales are very strong.

And the store? Is business picking up there?

Well, homecoming season just started, so we're getting those clients.

- You guys should come and check it out! - For sure.

- Oh, cute! - Thank you, Aunt Margot.

Okay, what's next, what's next?

- This one is from Mel and Mia. - Oh, my God.

"Baby's First Makeup Kit."

So cute.

A little baby lipstick.

Yeah, babies can use it. Makes 'em look smaller.

- I'm gonna steal that baby's makeup. - I know.

Oh, my goodness, this is so clever.

- Where'd you get this? - We made it.

- We have our own makeup company. - Good for you.

My youngest daughter sold her alkaline water company

for four million dollars.

- Wha? - Mm-hmm.

Have you had a valuation of your company yet?

No, not yet, Aunt Margot.

Oh, well, don't worry. It comes at a cost.

She's always been so driven.

You know, she just had her first baby last year.

Well, congratulations, Grandma Margot.

Thank you.

Uh-huh.

What a rude-ass woman!

What does she do?

She just gives her rich old husband hand jobs? I mean...

I love when you get mad like this.

I wish you would do this in people's faces. Why you don't do that?

- 'Cause I got you for that. - This is true. I got your back.

She didn't know what she was talking about.

- Mm-hmm. - "My daughter with the uranium..."

- You mean alkaline. - Wasn't it uranium?

No, she said alkaline. Alkaline water.

Trying to get people's pH balance right.

- I can't believe her. - Mm-hmm.

Let's keep it one hundred.

Her daughter a ho.

Let's just keep it one hundred. You know who she look like?

She look like a messed-up Betty White.

You know who she really looked like? George Washington.