Superior Donuts

Morning, Arthur. Hey, Randy.

How's your new partner?

Uh, typical eager-beaver rookie.

Can't wait to clean up the streets

and protect and serve.

Ah, it's such a cute age.

Aw...

Can I tempt you with a batch of some fresh maple crèmes?

Hmm? Ooh!

Okay, all right.

I had to chase him four blocks, but I got him.

All right, I'm calling the station.

Dispatch, this is Officer DeLuca.

Be advised... the maple crèmes are fresh.

This is what you're doing while I'm out there risking my life?

Oh, James.

Some day you're gonna learn

the difference between the perps

that need chasing and the ones that are just "eh."

Really? I hold up a liquor store,

and all I get is "eh"?

And there's your confession.

Now just relax, order yourself something.

Okay. Uh, do you have any cronuts?

Ooh! Oh!

What?

A cronut.

It's, uh, part donut, part croissant.

It's what they call a hybrid.

I-I know what a cronuts is, and no, I don't sell them.

Nor do I sell muffins or duffins or muffnuts.

The name of this place is

Superior Donuts. I sell donuts.

My parents did not smuggle me out of Communist Poland

in the hold of a cargo ship

so that 65 years later, I could sell you a damn cronut!

Scone?

Get out of here.

Hi, Arthur. Hey, Maya.

Whoa! Lot of books.

Yeah. I'm changing my dissertation

to a textual analysis

of hetero-normative structures

as they relate to the postmodern patriarchy.

Now, I know what you're thinking...

How ironic to be writing about gender roles

surrounded by donuts, which... Let's face it...

Are Western culture's culinary representation of the vagina.

So what kind of vagina can I get you?

Arthur, it is only okay when I say it.

Oh.

Donut man!

I'm here about the job. What?

"You got a Help Wanted" sign in the window,

which you don't need anymore, 'cause I'm here.

Okay. Leave your resumé. I'll call if I'm interested.

Mm, I ain't really a resumé guy.

But I'll tell you this. I used to work at Pete's Liquors,

till they turned that into a Whole Foods.

And I used to drive a truck for the Salvation Army

till they turned that into an Old Navy.

So you're a small business serial killer, huh?

You funny. So what's the pay?

Minimum wage. Health insurance?

First aid kit.

What about profit sharing? Profit sharing?

Do you believe in profit sharing?

Yeah, I believe in it. I don't offer it.

You want benefits, why don't you apply at the Whole Foods?

Ugh. I refuse to work for some greedy-ass corporation

that's ripping the soul out of the neighborhood I grew up in.

They turned you down?

Bastards!

So what would I have to do?

Uh, work the counter, brew coffee, make change.

You need help with social media?

Instagram? Snapchat?

Tumblr? Morse code? Cave paintings?

How old are you, man?

I don't need that stuff. This is a donut shop.

I hate to break it you, but this is a donut museum.

It happens to be my slow time of day.

It's 8:00 a.m. in a place that serves breakfast.

In a city full of fat people.

You got, like, one customer here, man!

You have a point?

This place could be a gold mine, you know?

It's authentic. People love that.

Just remind the world that you're here.

Maybe put a chalkboard outside with a "Donut of the Day" on it.

You know, eventually, the chalkboard's

gonna get stolen, but that's fine.

That's cool. It gets the people talking.

"Yo, yo, you heard somebody stole

the chalkboard from the donut shop?"

"Wait, wait. Back up. We got a donut shop? I want a donut!"

Now everybody talk about donuts, man!

Bam!

You realize this is a job interview, right?

Yeah. How am I doing?

Actually, not bad.

Arthur, I'm celebrating! Donuts for everyone!

Who was already in the room when I made the offer.

Fawz, why are you in such a good mood?

The American dream, my friend. I'm living it!

For years, I'm buying buildings in this dung-heap neighborhood.

And now Starbucks is opening.

Rents will rise, and I will be rich!

I'm gonna have money coming into my ass!

Great. Jack up the rent so I got to move down to South Side

and dodge bullets every time I go to the store.

Who is this black guy?

Actually, I go by Franco.

Only my friends call me "black guy".

What? I'm not allowed to say you're black?

I'm not allowed to call black people, black people?

It's cool, man. No reason to blow up.

Ah, terrorist joke. A first for me.

So, Arthur, have you considered my offer?

Sorry, Fawz, I'm not selling the shop.

Arthur, give it up!

Fancy people are moving to Uptown,

and they don't want donuts.

They want to drink kale smoothies

and not vaccinate their children.

I'm afraid Fawz is right.

Uptown is being gentrified.

Low-income families and small businesses are being pushed out

by soulless chains and condominiums

for rich white people.

Uh, aren't you a rich white person?

Yes, and I have to live with that

every day of my life.

So, Arthur, what do you say? I give you good price.

Just give me a couple of days to think about it.

No, you don't have to think about it, man.

'Cause you can't sell this place.

It's the heart of this neighborhood.

I remember when I was six, my dad came back home

with a box of Superior Donuts.

We sat out on the porch all night, eating donuts,

watching them put up Christmas lights

on the crack house across the street.

Damn, they worked fast!

Your point?

My point is this neighborhood is our home.

And those people moving in... They're not coming to join us.

They're coming to push us out.

And you got to push back, man.

You built something here,

and it deserves to live on.

Who the hell is this guy?

Yeah, who the hell are you? Franco Wicks.

He's Franco Wicks. He works here.

Mark my words, Arthur.

You will rue the day you said no to me!

Ooh, that sounds a little terrorist-y.

Sorry about that.

Have a nice day.

You will not regret this, man.

I'm gonna help you bring this place into the 20th century.

Oh, you mean the 21st.

No, I don't.

What the hell you doing here so early?

Did we discuss you painting my shop?

I'm a self-starter, man. You like the color?

It's called "Ancient Ivory."

Like you.

Your jukebox ate my quarter.

That thing hasn't worked for years.

Oh, well, I was trying to find some Biggie Smalls,

and all they had was Little Richard.

The next time you think of painting, ask first, okay?

Actually, you're doing a pretty good job.

That's because I'm an artist. Really? Oil? Water color?

I'm more of a street artist.

Oh, graffiti, which is illegal. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It's not graffiti.

It's social commentary.

Why is it like when a white dude

like Banksy does it, it's great art,

but when a black dude does it, it's graffiti?

Are you a racist?

Not yet.

Well, Basquiat started as a street artist,

so I suppose you're in good company.

Basquiat? Donut Man knows his art history.

I'm shocked.

Just because I own a donut shop, I can't like art?

I watch documentaries.

I got Netflix.

Morning, Arthur.

Hey.

Are you being robbed?

With this? I've seen it.

No, no, he works here.

Yeah, I work here, fat Bruce Willis.

Oh.

Name's Carl Tushinski.

People call me "Tush."