Kiss of Life

Hi, I'm Keith Lemon. Check out my new sweet-arse titles.

You are probably thinking, "What the fuck is going on?"

But don't worry, it's just another over elaborate metaphor

for how totally rad this show is.

Look, there is Holly Willoughboozy

firing space lasers from her massive tits.

And there's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.

There's Gino D'Acampo firing doughballs.

Here we are taking a selfie. Online presence!

Phew, we made it to the studio just in time

for the best telly show on telly. What is it?

It's Celebrity Juice on telly.

Not 3-D. I fucking wish it was, though.

I missed it!

Hoo-rah!

Hi, I'm Keith Lemon and welcome to Celebrity Juice.

It's a special Celebrity Juice because I do indeed have a co-host.

What's your name and where do you come from?

My name is Fearne Cotton and I'm from London town.

From London town, what a wanker!

Can I take this off now? Take the hat off.

That was the initiation process. Wear a hat.

I look like a big pink penis.

OK, without further ado, let's meet our team captains. Fearne Cotton?

On our right, we have the wonderful Holly Willoughboozy!

Hi. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

This is so weird.

I know, but it's weirder for me.

But I like it. If Phil and I are ever ill or on holiday,

this could be the new This Morning, actually.

Holly, who is on your team?

On my right, he's one of my favourite all-time people,

it's Paddy McGuinness!

And on my left, they drive the girls mad.

From The Vamps, it's Connor and Brad.

The boys.

Let's meet our other team captain. Filling in for Fearne Cotton,

it's none other than Gino Sheffield D'Acampo!

Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino!

Gino, who's on your team?

Which is it? Camera number four? Oh, every time!

It's so easy. Look at the camera and say who's on your team.

Come on. Good luck, Gino!

On my left, if you close your eyes and you hear him laughing,

it sounds like a seal who's taken it up the arse.

It's Jimmy Carr!

It's true. It's true.

On my right, she apparently likes to give big heads...

Hold on, let me see.

No, it's the presenter of Big Heads,

Jenny Powell and Kriss Aka... Aka...

Akabusi!

Kriss Akabusi!

Gino, I absolutely love you, but you are such a prick.

It's Brad and Connor from The Vamps!

You are 50% of one of the biggest boy bands in Britain right now.

Where is the other 50%? Have they been banished to the bedroom

and not allowed out at this time of night?

Yeah, it is too late for them now.

Are they the non-fun ones?

Yeah, they're boring.

Are you going to get new ones in then, that are exciting and fun?

That like to get their cocks out and wank themselves.

When I was a kid at your age and in the school holidays in summer,

I wanked so hard into a bin liner, my cock were like a spike.

Literally -

When I was your age, I had a sock called The Dreamcatcher!

No offence to you boys, but it looks like... (LAUGHTER)

Thanks, Paddy, just got that, did you?

I was laughing because I've still got it.

Obviously, you are in a very successful band doing terrifically.

But it looks like Jenny Powell couldn't get a sitter.

She could maybe be our sister. Aw.

Your sister that you wanna fuck, yeah?

Jenny, I used to masturbate to you when you were on No Limit so hard,

I could power wash my patio.

Projectile. I'm not joking.

Anyway, back to nice questions not about wanking and patios, etc.

Oh, you wank like a lunatic.

Your new single, chaps, what's the message?

It's about calling your ex

when you get a bit too drunk in the middle of the night.

And, yeah, that's basically it.

I'm sure everyone in the room's been there.

That's the story, though. What's the message?

The message? Mm.

Behind Middle of the Night?

Have a good time, really. That's it.

That's a synopsis, isn't it? That is a synopsis.

Is it a booty call in the middle of the night?

Is it a text saying "you up?" And a picture of an aubergine? One of those?

It's down to interpretation, really.

That is the interpretation.

We are going to leave that to you to figure out.

That's the vibe.

Brad and Connor, do you have any odd rituals before you go on stage?

We rub our chins together. That is very strange.

What about another ritual that you do?

The old SB? Oh, yeah, I've heard about this one.

The SB?

What's that? We know their tour manager.

He's told us that before they go on stage,

they like to have a game of soggy biscuit.

Here it is.

We have one of the soggy biscuits.

It's dripping. It's dripping.

We have got one of the soggy biscuits you've played with.

You can get a point for your team if you take a bite of the soggy biscuit.

I really don't want to have a bite of that. No?

Before you go any further, before we came on tonight,

Kriss said he'd never seen this show!

Here we go, jizz on a biscuit.

OH!

A point for your team,

anyone on Holly's team, have a bite of the biscuit. Just a little nibble.

Have you actually gone fucking mad?

I will give you two. I will give you two points.

I can't let Holly eat that. It's like a spunk pool.

I can't let you eat that.

It's Jenny P and Aki B in the hizz-oos!

It's Jenny Powell and Kriss Akabusi!

You've never seen Celebrity Juice ever? I've never seen it in my life.

Now I've seen it, I'm going to sack my PR team.

As if you've got a PR team.

Obviously not.

Guys, you are currently presenting ITV Big Heads.

Look at you, presenting.

You asked me to do it, that's what I'm doing.

Alongside Jason Manford.

Jenny, what is the message?

It's a bit like It's A Knockout, but people have got big heads on.

It's all about fun, about action, about getting sorted.

It's Keystone Cops, Gladiators.

Connor and Brad, are you thinking, "Who the fuck are these two?"

Olympians. We know they're Olympians.

All right, fellas.

Let's have a look at your sporting glory right here.

Here is a picture of you back in the day.

Let's have a look at you getting ready for a race.

Holy shitballs!

Oh!

Is that Kermit the Frog wearing a Red Nose Day nose?

Now I know why he's on Big Head!

How do I do that impression of Paddy again?

You've got to remind me.

I can't do it.

"What's it about?!"

Not what. The word "what" doesn't exist in his vocabulary.

Right. It's sita-boot.

Sita-boot! Now then, Floren.

What? Now then, Floren.

Who's Floren? I haven't got a fucking clue what he's talking about.

"What sita-boot?" Sira-boot.

Sira-boot!

It's Paddy McGuinness!

Sira-boot!

I never said that.

You say that.

I don't say "sira-boot!"

"Sira-boot, there, with him." I said "what's that about?"

"75 pence for a piss in London! Sira-boot?!"

Last time you were on, Pads,

you were filling in for Holly and were team captain.

But this time, you're a guest with something to promote.

We got a new show out, me and himself over there.

The Keith & Paddy Picture Show starts this Saturday.

Tell us about it.

Do you want to go over there and I will chat to you like you're a guest?

Like a guest? I've always wanted to be a guest on this programme.

You pop over there.

Keith and Paddy, what is your new show about? What's the message?

The message is basically we got together as two boys

who had a dream of being in films, so we made five classic remakes

of some classic movies, including Dirty Dancing, starting on Saturday

at 9:15 on ITV1 straight after Britain's Got Talent.

Are you remaking the movies?

We have done a half hour version of each film.

Who plays Baby?

Me.

Jimmy, when you see him as Baby, The Dreamcatcher will be out, my friend.

There we are.

Oh, my God. Do you kiss?

We fuck right to the hinge end.

You pair of mother-pluggers, great, we'll watch it.

Come and sit back down. We've had enough now.

Word.

Jimmy, everyone else has been here promoting things.

Have you anything you'd like to promote?

I've got a new sketch show on ITV2

where I take different films every week...

..and I basically play dress-up just like a child.

Somehow, that's enough.

It isn't a sketch show. I told you, Jimmy.

It's not a sketch show. It's a loving homage.

It's a full movie in half an hour? What other movies are you doing?

You are doing Dirty Dancing first. Jaws.

I'm Richard Dreyfus.

That is amazing.

How long did it take to get into shape for that? You look amazing.

You can't come on a show and just promote anything you want.