Der Rebell

So...

when Glen and I first got married,

his parents gave us, as a wedding gift, um,

a little house that they had in Pennsylvania.

They had it since they were married back in,

I don't know, '69,

and now they spend their summers in a bigger house

that they moved into that's right near the little house

and I think that they partly gave it to us

so that they could see Glen's kids more,

since we would be spending all of our summers right by them,

uh, which I didn't mind at all, because I liked them, and...

And... I don't know.

But after all the chapters in my life being married to you,

having the kids,

the... whole mess, divorce,

teaching public high school,

I'd stopped really giving a shit about my own personal space, you know?

It was just like, well, everybody, hey, come on in,

you know, take whatever you want.

So we started going there every summer.

And it's really nice there.

Just tall trees for days.

Um, something about a place that gets so cold in the winter,

'cause in the summer, there's all this moisture,

and so there's still these pockets of cool air,

even in the hottest parts of the summer.

I loved it.

And...

Glen's kids would romp

and he loved taking them fishing,

and there was a horse farm nearby

and they would all borrow horses and go riding

and, uh, Roger and Beth, Glen's parents,

they would come over almost every night for dinner.

And it was real easy. It, uh...

I didn't mind that it was all Glen's family,

his parents, his kids, and then me.

I was okay with that.

I just thought, well, I can do this for as long as it works.

And it...

Really...

nothing ever went wrong,

'cause nobody had any issues,

Glen's kids and I, we- we never had any bumps or...

It was just real easy.

And I used to love going to sleep in the country

with the bugs buzzing and frogs and...

And then waking up in the quiet,

'cause I used to get up before anybody else did.

That was my time.

And so, also, Roger would come over a lot, Glen's dad.

He's real handy, Glen's not handy, so Roger would come over

and tend to stuff around the little house,

'cause I think he never really let go of the feeling

that that was still his to care for.

And Beth, um...

was just kinda quiet.

Like together they're quiet,

like their whole relationship is...

kind of a secret.

They would come over together and sit and watch everybody

with these two peaceful smiles on their face,

like they're already ghosts,

silently watching over the grandkids,

but by himself, Roger, he- he- he would talk and tell stories.

Uh, he...

He's very...

He has that kind of man's ego from another time,

when it wasn't considered just being an asshole,

when it was a virtue, you know,

'cause he grew up in Michigan, and I just think

that it's really interesting to know somebody

that has a quarter-century head start on you.

It's like getting to talk to a time machine.

So he would come over and do stuff around the house,

and I'd make him coffee and he would talk while he worked.

And I would listen and laugh.

He's really funny.

And I'd watch him.

I mean, he's 84.

And in all those years,

he never stopped using his muscles, his body.

So he comes over and works

and, um, usually takes his shirt off after a while,

and when you look at a man's 84-year-old body

and you see the skin turn red

and then sweaty with the work that he's doing

all of his life,

and a man who doesn't have to prove anything

to anybody in that little house.

He would tell me stories about his past in the Navy

and growing up on his parents' farm,

but he- he didn't really care that it was me that he was telling.

He was just being social.

He never looked at me much.

But I would stare at him

'cause I could, 'cause he wasn't looking back.

So this one day when he comes over to fix the porch boards,

he drives up in this little truck that he has.

I can hear the truck from all the way down the hill.

The house is up on a little hill and then there's nothing

but woods between their place and ours.

And so whenever he comes, I hear that little engine,

I hear the- him switching his gears when he comes up the hill.

So it's morning and Glen's got the kids out on the lake

and I'm all alone and I'm sunbathing out on the lawn,

which feels stupid,

but I just wanted to feel the sun on my body

and I'm alone, so who cares?

And I'm laying back in the chaise in my only bikini that I ever-

that I ever, ever bought myself.

And I just let my legs... go open,

'cause I want the sun on the inside of my thighs,

and it just feels good to be in the woods

alone and letting the sun in,

just splayed like a frog, legs open and...

letting the sun.

And then I hear the little truck.

I hear it, uh, coming.

And I smile like I always do, with my eyes closed.

And I hear it getting nearer and nearer,

and I think, well, right where he's gonna pull in,

he's gonna see me like that,

and here I am with my legs open

and I'd better close them and lay here like a lady does.

And then I thought, oh, well, what if I don't?

What if I lay here with my eyes closed and my legs open

and let him see?

And...

the thought of that, it re- it...

made my heart go really fast.

And I kept my eyes closed and...

the closer that the sound of that little truck got,

the more...

I got...

Oh, my God.

I just stayed there, and, uh...

I tried to sort of make it look like I was sleeping,

but who sleeps like that?

And- and I hear the truck pull into the little space

in front of the house

and I have to- I-

I was breathing so hard,

I thought I was gonna have an orgasm just laying there.

And I hear the truck door squeak open and slam shut,

and I hear his feet in the grass.

He'd take a step, then I hear him stop,

so I know that he's standing there, looking at me.

And I let him.

I just- I just let him look.

And it was so...

It was so dirty.

I don't know, I don't know.

Why are you telling me this?

I know, I know, it's weird.

- Yeah. - I know, I know,

'cause I mean, we haven't even talked in years.

Ever since Alice went to college and 'cause now

there finally hasn't been any reason for us...

- Yeah, I guess not. - ...to talk.

- Right. - You probably think I hate you,

and maybe sometimes I do, still, a little bit.

Maybe I hate you, did you ever...?

Yeah, well, I don't know. I'm sure you do.

But I- can I just keep going?

Sure.

Okay.

You're laying on your back with your legs open in a bikini

and your new 84-year-old dad-in-law

is looking between your legs.

So yes, he's looking.

And, um...

And I can tell because he's not moving, so, yeah, he's...

he's looking right at me.

Now.

Now, all I can think is,

don't open your eyes, right?

Because if you look back at him, then you did this.

You... That's it.

And you can never take it back.

And now you can't even close your legs

because then you definitely weren't sleeping,

and what would Glen say and sweet Beth and the kids?

And I thought, I'm sick.

I'm corrupt.

I just should have left this little family alone.

Glen, he's pure, he's innocent.

His wife died, is all,

and he needed somebody, and here I came,

this fucked-up divorced older lady,

and I'm showing half of my vagina to his 84-year-old dad.

- Did you open your eyes? - No.

No.

I kept 'em closed.

And he was there...

a- a long time.

I just felt him there.

I...

It was the most erotic thing ever,