Making History

Sometimes I use things from the future to...

Make them like me more here.

My name's Jason Bourne.

I'm tom cruise.

This is magic Johnson.

I wrote you another song. Oh.

Super pathetic. You ready to go to the future?

Bet you miss 1775, huh?

Not really.

Picnicking with you is even better

in the future.

What is this called again?

Oh, that's spray cheese.

It's inspired by cheese.

Mmm.

And your neighborhood is so lovely.

There isn't even a children's graveyard.

Oh, yeah.

One of the cool things about the future

is that most kids live.

Oh, I love that.

Me, too.

Clink. Clink.

The only thing that would

make this moment even more perfect

is if you sang me one of your songs.

Okay. This one's about...

Oh!

A flying crucifix! It's the end of days!

Babe, that's just a plane. That's an airplane.

All right, a lot's different in 2017.

Let's review. Picture one.

Car. Very good.

Picture two? Cat. We had those.

Great, so you'll know what they are.

Picture three?

Asian person. And?

What do we say when we see an Asian person?

Nothing. Nothing. There's nothing...

There's nothing about seeing an Asian person

that I need to comment on. It's totally normal. Really good.

I am really proud of you.

You've been studying really hard.

I have a great teacher.

All right, I have to go to work.

I really wish I could go with you.

All right.

Let's give it a whirl.

What if I was to tell you, mentee,

that this is a victory sauna?

Your name

is being bandied around for tenure.

Wait, for real? Yes.

Well, how does one theoretically seal the proverbial deal?

You're gonna be under intense scrutiny.

You've got to walk

and talk,

a-and even hand me that water,

as someone who is tenure-worthy.

Very good.

You know, I wasn't always Dr. Theodore Anthony Cobell.

I used to be "Ted Tony."

Then I got tenure

and I murdered Ted Tony.

Message received.

And now come talk to me while I shower.

So, this is where I eat lunch.

Daniel,

that woman is holding a skateboard.

How do you know what a skateboard is?

Do you think I wasn't listening when you told me

of all your inventions?

So, I call it the panini press.

Basically you take any food on the planet,

you can heat it, flatten it.

And it's delicious.

So my new invention is a mask.

Right, when you put it on, people think you're a gorilla.

The next book I'm writing picks up five years

after Tokyo drift left off.

Dominic finds out that Letty

has been murdered.

Was she working undercover, too?

You never know

with these guys. They're too fast,

and they're way too furious.

I can't believe it.

Your inventions are everywhere.

Oh, that man is even wearing your Beats by Dan headphones!

Let's go say hi. - Oh, no, no, no. You know what?

I'm blowing up.

They're telling me work is done for the day.

Just got an e-mail.

Another wonderful creation of yours.

Um, let's go home.

Uh, quickly, out the side door.

That wasn't overwhelming or scary at all.

And I loved seeing all the different colors walls can be.

Yeah, walls can be whatever.

Oh. Oh, no.

There's an emergency at work.

I have to go... back.

Okay. I'll miss you.

I'll miss you, too. Perhaps you can

sing me one of your songs

to think of while you're gone.

Deb, the thing about my songs...

You're such an amazing talent.

It's as if you read my private thoughts

and put them to wondrous melodies.

Well, here are some more of your thoughts.

Is that enough? No? Okay.

Oh, Daniel, you're a genius.

All right, see you at 5:00.

Byesies. Byesies.

Byesies.

As Robert Oppenheimer once said,

"now I am become death,

the destroyer of worlds."

You know what that means, huh?

Pop quiz!

Hey, hey, hey.

If you don't have haters in this job, it means

you're not doing it right.

Chris, I need to talk to you.

I need to talk to you.

Our heater's fine, thank you.

Chris. What are you doing?

Get out. It's very important.

Okay, this is a classroom.

Uh... they're taking a quiz.

Is it a hard quiz?

Is he a hard professor?

I bet he's hard, but he's fair.

Okay, you know what? Let's go outside.

If he's hard, it's because he cares about you.

He cares about you enough that he wants to challenge you. Out.

What could possibly justify you interrupting my class?

Chicks, brother. Oh, my god.

Can you please just be normal for one second?

Okay, so Deb and I are at this really weird stage

in our relationship where I've been lying to her

the whole time about everything.

And I'm about to be found out.

What are you asking me? Well, I guess I'm not...

Really asking a question, per Se.

More trying to engage you in a dialogue.

Well, what have you been lying about?

I maybe told her that I invented

most aspects of modern society and...

Pretty much every work of art and kind of every song.

Hmm. Well, it sounds like you have two options.

Option one being that you tell her the truth

and she probably leaves you. Pass. Can't do that. Option two?

She finds out on her own and she definitely leaves you. Nah, can't do that either.

Maybe I'll Truman show her.

Create a whole fake world

under the guise of reality television.

Chris?

Oh. Hello, Dean.

Chris, I just peeked in your classroom.

All their students have their phones out

playing "poke-a-hey-Mon go."

I will get back in there immediately.

Surprise! What is this?

Did you hunt,

farm, and...

Woodwork a chair?

Your song inspired me to make a loving gesture.

I trapped everything myself in yon woods. Deb,

kids play in yon woods. Well, children know to be on the lookout for traps.

And those candles are quite lovely. Uh...

What are they made out of? Crushed butterflies and squirrel lard.

I fashioned the squirrel pelts into a cushion.

And the bones into a tiny piano.

That is so cool. And what a way to honor that squirrel.

You're amazing. Piffle.

Your inventions are far superior to this.

That's kind of why i-i-i think we should talk

about my inventions.

Let's eat.

Before the roasted possum gets cold.

Oh, I only wish

I had my butter churn to make fresh butter

to complete the meal. You know what?

We have a time machine.

Let's go get it.

Oh, right.

That's why I don't use this thing inside.

I hope you won't think this too forward, but...

Can we go out tonight?

Sure, yeah.

Let's go out.

I've waited all my life for this.

In 1775 women weren't allowed in taverns.

Unless, they were, of course, whores.

Of course.

Although we should get you something to wear.

I don't know what you should wear, but I do know

it's not a 200-year-old housecoat