Seinfeld

I've always wondered why baseball is so associated with sex.

"He's playing the field. He scored. He didn't get to first base."

"I struck out." "Why?" "She wanted a diamond."

It's always baseball. Always baseball.

As far as baseball goes, I prefer the fat umpires.

If you're on the field and not in the game...

...you should be in the worst physical condition a human could be in.

They should be allowed to eat during the game.

We're too into sports in this country. We gotta throttle back.

People come home from these games:

"We won, we won!" No, they won, you watched.

Okay, Danny. Take a swing. No, no, no.

- You're opening up your shoulder. - Really?

No, not really. I'm just saying this to you because I like to hear myself talk.

Yes, really.

All right, all right.

- What are you all sweating for? - It's hot in this uniform.

- Hot? What is this? - What is what?

This uniform. What's it made from?

- I don't know. Cotton? - No. No, no.

This is not cotton. Here, let me see.

- What are you doing? - I wanna see the label.

Will you stop it? Come on.

- Oh, of course. Polyester! - So?

- I can't believe you're not in cotton. - This is what they give us.

You know they used to make leisure suits out of this fabric?

- You really think cotton is better? - Of course.

All right, maybe I'll say something to Buck.

- Yeah, good idea. Catch you later. - Yeah.

Hey, don't embarrass me today.

I got some friends in the stands.

- Hot dogs here. Yankee franks. - Oh, you want one?

- Yeah. - I'll get it.

- I got it. - Jerry.

- Elaine, stop it. - Just because I'm not working...

...doesn't mean I don't have any money. Yo. Dogs. Two.

All right. I'm sorry.

Your attention, please. The New York Yank ees...

...would lik e to welcome Miss Connecticut...

...Miss Rhode Island and Miss North Dak ota.

Al of whom wil be competing in the Miss America pageant...

...this week end in Atlantic City.

Now, there's a career path you may have overlooked.

I gotta check my machine. I'm waiting to hear about an interview.

Doubleday is looking for somebody to replace Jackie Onassis.

- She worked at Doubleday? - Yeah, she was an editor.

- Oh, right, just like you. - Yeah.

- Would you move your feet? - Yeah.

- Hey, lady! - Hey, down in front!

- Hey! - Move your feet.

- I'm going. - Come on.

- Hot dog? - No, thanks.

- I'm watching my weight. - I'm watching my height.

My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller.

- So you're Miss...? - Rhode Island.

I was almost Mr. Coffee. They felt I was a little too relaxed.

Miss Rhode Island?

- When are you seeing her? - Tonight. I have to call her.

She's staying in a hotel.

- You're incredible. - And get this:

I'm working Atlantic City this weekend.

She's gonna be there for the pageant.

What if she becomes Miss America? You could be dating Miss America.

The only bad thing is we have to go out with a chaperone.

Chaperone? What, are you kidding?

- No. It's contest rules. - What does the chaperone do?

I don't know. She just sits there.

- Can she talk? - I'm not sure if she's allowed to talk.

- Are you calling her? - Yeah.

Yes. Room 417, please. Karen Hanson.

Hey, did you know the Yankees don't wear cotton jerseys?

Of course. They're polyester.

Well, what is that? That's a crime.

You know how hot those things get? They should be wearing cotton.

- Why do they wear polyester? - I don't know.

That's all gonna change.

- You're gonna do something about it? - Why shouldn't I?

No reason.

Of course, Jackie O was a great lady.

Those are gonna be some tough shoes to fill.

Everyone loved her.

She had such...

- ... grace. - Yes!

- Grace! - Not many people have grace.

Well, you know, grace is a tough one.

I like to think I have a little grace.

- Not as much as Jackie O, but- - You can't have a little grace.

You either have grace or you don't.

Okay, fine. I have no grace.

And you can't acquire grace.

Well, I have no intention of getting grace.

Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market.

All right, look. I don't have grace, I don't want grace...

...I don't even say grace, okay?

- Thank you for coming in. - Yeah, yeah, right.

We'll make our choice in a few days and we'll let you know.

- I have no chance, do I? - No.

All right. Thanks.

Justin Pitt to see you.

- Justin Pitt? - He was a very close friend...

...of Mrs. Onassis'.

Mrs. Onassis'. That's hard to pronounce.

- Excuse me? - Nothing, nothing.

Mrs. Landis, there's something wrong with this copying machine.

It's all coming out slanted.

Now, I don't know if this is your department or not.

Justin Pitt, this is Elaine Benes.

Charmed.

I was a great admirer of Mrs. Onassis.

Hello, Karen? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, that's very sweet of you.

You better be careful. You don't wanna get too congenial.

They'll slap that Miss Congeniality on you...

...you'll congenial yourself right out of the contest.

So, what time you wanna get together later?

What?

So what? We don't need the chaperone.

Her chaperone can't make it.

Oh, you're not gonna get disqualified.

So we're not going?

Come on. Hold on one second.

- Hey, what are you doing tonight? - Nothing.

I'm going out with a Miss America contestant. You wanna go?

What state?

Rhode Island.

They're never in contention.

How do you know?

Because I've seen every Miss America pageant since I was 6.

Do you wanna go or not? I'll buy you dinner.

- Giddyup. - I think I got someone.

The resemblance is uncanny.

Even the brown eyes.

Well, a lot of people have brown eyes.

No, there's something else. An indefinable quality.

Grace?

Grace, yes.

You think I have grace?

- Some grace, yes. - Just some?

You don't want too much grace, or you won't be able to stand.

Oh, Mr. Pitt.

Elaine, I want you to come and work for me as my personal assistant.

Now, I'll pay you the same as Pendant...

...but I would need you to start right away.

Hey, Buck. Talk to you for a second?

Sure, George.

How's everything going? Everything okay?

Well, all of a sudden, there's a problem with Tartabull's swing, but...

Listen, Buck, obviously I don't need to talk to you...

...about the importance of player morale.

But I've been talking to some of the guys...

...I don't wanna mention any names, but some of them aren't too happy...

...with the polyester uniforms.

- How so? - They get very hot in the polyester.

It's not a natural fibre.

I think they would prefer cotton.

- Cotton, huh? - Cotton breathes.

See, it's much softer.

Imagine playing games...

...and your team is 5 degrees cooler than the other.

Don't you think that's an advantage?

They're cooler, they're more comfortable, they're happier...

...they're gonna play better.

- You may have something there. - Oh, I've got something.

Cotton uniforms.

Congratulations.

Yeah. And the best part is I still get to look for work in publishing.

- Now, what is it that you do, exactly? - I attend to his personal affairs.

Like what?

Well, like tomorrow, for example, I...

- I have to buy him some socks. - Really?

- Socks. - Yeah.

White ones. Ones you wear with sneakers.

Maybe you could pick me up underwear.

So, what do you think? Does this work?

Listen, tonight, after we finish eating...

...make like you got something else to do...

...and recede into the night, if you know what I mean.

No way.

- What? - If you think I'm gonna step aside...

...while you defile this woman, you're crazy.

I'm not going to defile her.

Right, because I'm gonna see it doesn't happen.

These girls are Miss America contestants.

It's every little girl's dream.

I'm not gonna let you trample that dream...

...and make a mockery of all the pageant stands for.

No buts.

- Those are my rules. - Wait a minute.

If you wanna have some good, wholesome fun with a nice girl...

...I'll help you. If you're looking for something more...

- ... you got the wrong guy. - It's just-

If you were Miss America...

...what would you do to make the world a better place?