Louie

Hey, what's up?

You didn't open that on the kitchen table, did you?

Nope.

Are you lying? Yep.

Why do you do that?

The opener's right in the drawer.

Yeah, well, the table's right here.

Louie!

I love you.

Aww...

Why would you say that?

What?

I mean, I just said a really dick thing.

Why-- why would you say, "I love you"?

What am I supposed to do here?

Please? Cut!

What's wrong, buddy?

I just...

Why does she say that?

It's cute.

It's cute? Yeah.

Dude...

I thought we were gonna do a show about marriage,

like a really honest, real show.

Yeah. So what--

This woman is trying to raise two kids

and her husband just keeps shittin' all over her,

chipping away at all the furniture

with his bad attitude. Yeah.

I mean, are you folks seriously buying this shit?

Louie, the show's gonna be great.

No, it's not! Yeah.

No, man, it's gonna suck, like every show on television.

We're making all the same mistakes.

The wife that's way too hot for the dude

and the friend who I would never hang out with.

Bob, I love you, you're great,

but there's no reason for you to be on this show.

I mean, honestly, no offense.

None taken.

You know what?

Can you guys figure this shit out, okay?

This is my last go-around.

All right, I am 38 years old.

I hitched to this horse

- because you guys said you wanted to get on air. - Yeah.

In another couple of years,

these fake tits are gonna look stupid.

So if I'm wasting my time here, you need to tell me now.

You're wasting your time, you are. Great!

No, no, Jennifer, this is gonna be fine.

It-- we can't have a show where everybody

just says whatever 'cause it's cute.

Boo!

Oh, you know what, you people!

Okay, okay, look..

What do you want her to say to you?

What do I want her to say? Yeah!

You say the table is right here

and then what does she say?

"I'm leaving you."

That's not funny.

Yes, it is.

That's hilarious.

Come on.

"The opener's right there."

"Yeah, but the table's right here."

"I'm leaving you."

And then she leaves!

And she takes the kids and then this dude

has to finally face himself

because she's gone and there's nobody else

to be an asshole to but himself.

Don't you wanna do-- don't you wanna do that show?

Wouldn't you love to do that show?

Is everything okay at home, Louie?

Oh, Christ.

No!

All right, let's take a break.

Oh, hi.

Oh, okay.

Okay, all right.

Hey... hey.

Oh, baby.

Baby, baby, baby, baby.

Your dad's not gonna have a sitcom.

Not gonna do it.

I wanted to.

I wanted to, so I wouldn't have to be on the road all the time,

away from you...

and I just wouldn’t do it.

Maybe I'm a coward.

Sorry, baby.

Your dad is a comedian.

It's your tough luck.

All right, let's put you to sleep.

Lilly...

Lilly, I love you.

Please put your hands together

and make that loud clapping sound for Louie C.K.!

Thank you very much.

Thank you, everybody.

Uh, I have some notes I'm gonna be working off of.

I hope that's okay with you.

I've never stopped anything so cold in all my life.

That was amazing.

You guys were clapping so much

and now you look like you've never clapped in your lives.

That applause is so far in the rear-view mirror right now.

That's amazing how quickly--

"Yeah !"

Um...

There was a girl once who blew me

who subsequently hung herself... to death.

It's true.

Um, she didn't do it right after, just so you know.

She didn't do it, like, immediately after.

She did it two years later.

Because that's how long it takes--

that's how long you can live with having blown me

before you need to end your life.

That's how long-- everyone who has blown me

has died two years later of their own doing.

That's the gestation period for suicidal shame

that comes from having

had my penis in your mouth.

That's such an awful way to describe blowin' somebody,

"having had my penis in your mouth."

It doesn't-- it just gives you an image of somebody--

Oh, I got something...

Oh, I got this dick in my mouth.

Do I still have this-- Do you see this dick there?

Oh, shit, yeah, you got his dick in your mouth.

Did you like your party? Mm-hmm.

But it's nice just to be here quiet with you.

The party was hard.

What's that?

It's a present, what do you think it is?

For me?

No, it's for the little old lady who lives in your nose.

Of course it's for you.

What, did you really think I was just

gonna get you slippers?

Can I open it?

Not 'til your birthday.

It is my birthday.

Well, all right then.

Tickets to... To...

Sabrina Bubble.

That's right!

Those were very hard to get.

Nobody-- nobody gets tickets to Sabrina Bubble,

but it turns out, she and I have the same promoter...

You don't like it.

No, I do.

Thank you, Daddy, thank you.

It's so nice.

It's so nice?

It's supposed to be amazing.

I'm sorry, Daddy.

No, no, no, no, don't do that.

I-- I thought you loved Sabrina Bubble.

Who do you like now?

Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga?

Jesus, honey, she's pretty grown up.

She's amazing.

She's my favorite.

I-- I appreciate that you like her, but I--

Lady Gaga's an artist.

Honey, I wouldn't-- within reason,

I would never tell you what to listen to, but I--

I want you to grow up to...

to like yourself and have a job and be strong

and to think about who you are, not...

I don't want you to think it's all

about your looks and glamour and stuff.

Well, can't I grow up like that

and still like Lady Gaga?

So what cities are we lookin' at for the fall tour?

All right, so I'm thinking we start in Texas.

Gonna cover Houston, Austin, Dallas,

San Antonio, then El Paso-- that's one week.

Then we're gonna-- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

That's too many nights in a row.

I told you, I gotta come home every week

to be with the kids, three nights a week.

I told you that.

I can't go out for that long.

Dude, Louie, you could make so much more money

if you stay out longer, I'm telling you.

I know that.

But I got my kids Monday, Tuesday,

and Wednesday nights.

I can't work those nights.

That's just the way it is, Doug.