The Marrying Man

I can't believe it. I'm married six years and I'm still happy.

You're lucky. I think Louise is cheating on me.

We're not cheating. We're just good friends.

- Look, he's worried. - He's joking!

Wait a minute. Pull the cab over.

- This ain't the address. - Be quiet!

Sammy! Tony! Who's that singing?

- Sounds like Vicki. - That is Vicki.

We'll get off here, cabbie. George, pay the man.

- What! - $1.80.

$ 1.80? Your meter broken?

Fellas.

- It's her. - Would you look at that?

It's her.

♪ Here in your arms I'm wealthy tonight

♪ When youth has its fling

♪ Love is the thing

♪ While lovers fight for power

♪ We can...

♪ Walk among the flowers

They were the unhappiest couple I ever knew.

And the happiest.

I thought the third time they would have made it.

♪ Love for you and me

Vicki and Charley. Now there's a story.

I never told you this? I'm sure I told you.

I'm gonna tell you the story, and you're gonna think I'm making it up.

But I swear this is exactly how it happened.

It all started on a warm June night, 1948.

My friend, Charley Pearl, had just announced his engagement...

to the daughter of the most important producer in Hollywood.

Now, for a struggling comic like myself...

this was a rare chance to get into a big-time Hollywood mansion...

for which I otherwise would've had no chance at all.

For Charley it was the beginning of the biggest roller coaster ride...

in the history of modern romance.

Adele Horner was a new type dame for Charley.

She had class, education. Nice girl.

You're the only woman in the world for me, Adele.

In the whole world?

In as many worlds as they got.

But me and the guys couldn't get over Charley getting married.

Here he is, a good-looking guy...

with millions coming in from the family toothpaste business.

To small-time bachelors like us...

Charley Pearl was a god.

Five feet from where we're sitting...

there are three directors I would sell my mother to meet.

- You sold your mother last year. - They returned her.

Don't ever be funnier than me, sweetheart.

He's not in love with her. I'll tell you that.

How do you know?

Well, he might love her. But he's not hot for her.

So the hors d'oeuvres are hot. Isn't that enough?

Why's he marrying her? It's not as ifhe needs money.

She doesn't need his, so I trust her.

For Charley that's a hard thing to find.

Charley, let's not get married unless it's forever.

I'm spoiled rotten.

And I wouldn't know how to handle disappointment.

Every woman I have ever been with...

has made her living from disappointments.

I need somebody good and solid to keep me in check.

I'll hold you to that, Charley.

I'll never let you out of my sight.

Bite my mouth.

Go on. Bite it hard.

No, Charley. I don't want to hurt you.

You don't get it, Adele. I like it when it hurts.

Ahem.

I'm sorry to intrude. But your father...

would like a few moments with Mr. Pearl.

Don't look so worried. He already said yes.

He's been known to change his mind.

It's too late. I already made up mine.

Sit down, Charley.

Thank you, sir.

- Cigar? - No, thank you.

- Brandy? - Not for me.

Is it true you don't smoke or drink?

Stains the teeth. That's what my father taught me.

Makes you look impressive. That's what my father taught me.

No vices at all, Charley?

Oh sure. All the ones that don't stain the teeth.

Well, you got nice teeth.

How would you characterize yourself?

As a playboy?

I prefer the word "sportsman."

You don't give a damn about impressing me...

- do you, Charley? - I'm trying like hell to make a good impression on you.

But you know everything about me.

I spotted those two private detectives...

you've had tailing me for the last month.

Sure I play the horses, bet on football, baseball...

anything that moves or rolls.

I've been out with every starlet from Paramount to Warner Brothers...

and I've had a dandy time doing it.

But, that was before I met Adele.

Is it having 30 million dollars that makes you so cocky?

No, I don't think I'm cocky. A little stupid, sometimes.

No, I don't think you are.

Fact is, I don't know what the hell you are.

Why did you pick Adele?

There's a thousand better looking women you could have by just snapping your finger.

I don't think you appreciate your own daughter's qualities.

She's got style. She's got class.

Adele is a thoroughbred. That's something I know about.

We're not trading horses here, Charley.

We're talking about my one and only daughter, Adele.

Now what is it you really want? To produce movies?

Produce movies?

No, I'd miss too many ball games.

We've talked about everything except hard work.

Exactly how much schooling have you had?

I went to a few Harvard and Yale football games.

Look, let's face it.

I'm not ambitious. I don't have to be.

You know, my mother walked out on us when I was three.

Never saw her again.

So my old man gave me everything...

except the mother I didn't have.

I love that old guy. I'm gonna pay him back...

by settling down. My father made me rich.

Now I want to make him happy.

You're good, Charley.

You use charm...

like a dealer uses a fresh deck.

There isn't an ambitious writer...

actor or director out there...

who wouldn't sell his soul to marry Adele.

But you present a problem to me...

because you're lazy and you're independent.

How am I going to control you, Charley?

You can't.

But Adele, she can make me do handstands.

There are two things in this world that matter to me.

My daughter and my studio.

You hurt my studio and I kill you.

You hurt my daughter...

and you'll pray for me to kill you.

Don't give it a thought, sir. I'm not a praying man.

Okay, two days later we were headed for what was then...

just a little dusty town called Las Vegas.

We were throwing Charley a bachelor party.

A three-day orgy at the Pick-A-Daisy Ranch...

where all the Daisys wore D-cups.

"She loves me, she loves me not" was the house game.

By the time Charley went on his honeymoon...

we'd have Adele carrying him across the threshold.

Did I tell you clowns Esther Williams likes one of my songs?

Hey, that's terrific!

- MGM wants her to sing it in her next picture. - Where, underwater?

Shut up, you. What song?

D Haven't we met before Haven't we met before dd

Wait a minute. That's my song. You promised that to me.

So now I promised MGM.

Since when does friendship come before career?

You little shit. In two years I'll be MGM's hottest star.

Esther Williams will do a backstroke in my bathtub to get me in one ofher pictures.

And you will kiss my ass before I do one of your songs.

I'll kiss it now. I'm not proud. Bend over.

You can't do no Esther Williams picture. You can't swim.

- How do you know? - You never go near the water because you wear the toupee.

I wear a toupee, you fuckhead?

You know, I love this guy.

- He manages the worst baseball team in the minors. - I'm sorry?

Finishes last three years in a row.

- Four! - Four years in a row!

Now he knows everything about show business.

I know umpires making 20 bucks a month...

- better rugs on their heads. - Mr. Pineapple Head.

- Pineapple head? - Can I say something, George?

You're very boring.

You want to hang out with us, get snappier dialogue.

I don't hear Charley coming up with any snappier dialogue.

- That's different. Charley's rich. - Hey, hey!

I don't mind if Charley bores us. Is this fun?

Is this the best time you ever had in your life?

Going to Vegas with three-and-a-half funny guys who treat you like an equal.

We pretend that we enjoy your company.

Why do we treat you...

like an equal?

- Because I pay for everything. - Exactly.!

You see. The first thing he grabs is his hair.

I always do this.

Hey, buddy.

- How long's it going to take? - You want it fast or do you want it to last?

I'll write the lyrics. Just fix the tire.

Adele, we have a bad connection. I miss you too, honey.

I still say he's not hot for her.

About 40 miles outside of Vegas. I'm going to drop these guys off and head back tonight.

I just miss you too much.

What did he say? Birds were chirping. I couldn't hear that.

I love you. Bye, honey.

He's joking, that's what it is. He's joking. Charley.

Don't tell jokes. You're not funny. We're funny, not you.

It's no joke. I'm going back.

Aw, Charley!

I'll take you there. I'll pay for the weekend.

- I'm going back to L.A. Tonight. - Charley.