Shameless

Oh, God.

You seriously don't remember

what happened last week on Shameless?

Roll the tape.

My God's a faggot.

My God's a dyke, a whore!

If I pass out, keep going.

Do not stop until you cut off all three.

Two left.

But I hope you tire out soon.

Here.

- The fuck is this? - This is a piece of shit

that you're gonna turn into not-a-piece-of-shit.

I've always wanted to ride a Jet Ski.

Dylan said I could use the yellow one.

What does Dylan's father do

that he has a yacht and a private plane?

Wanna grab breakfast?

Gotta get to the crib. My niece is getting dropped off.

Freelania, you have everything.

Vera made this for me.

How did you make this all happen?

Jesus.

What do you got in there, a dead body?

I do not believe she's dead yet.

Don't forget dinner at The Grill.

I wanna show off my beautiful bride-to-be.

Yes, I'll marry you!

Fucking hell yes!

What the fuck? You cut up all my uniforms?

been okay with me going back to school now

- 'cause we're married! - I will never be okay

with being away from you, bae! Never!

I let you stay in my apartment and you sue me?

So what's the worst case?

You're gonna be lucky if they don't put you in jail.

Rusty!

They are going down.

Where are you going?

I'm going to work. Go back to sleep, all right?

I'm proud of you.

- What? - This last year...

you're strong.

I didn't know that before.

Thanks.

Can we stay at my place tonight?

Uh... yeah.

Yeah, sure. That'd be good, all right?

I love you.

I love you too.

Get some sleep.

Close the fucking door!

What the hell are you doing?

I gotta run some errands and she's already downstairs.

I gotta get clothes and a new duffel.

- She tore up all my old shit. - Hm.

When you go down, tell her I'm in the shower, okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, how long...

Morning!

Hey.

Oh, uh, Carl's in the shower.

I'm whipping up waffles. Hmm.

Oh, um... Liam is asleep out in the backyard.

Is that normal?

Hey. Hey

Hey, Liam.

Hey, buddy.

I think you were sleepwalking again.

- Really? - Yeah.

Hey, are those my keys?

I don't know.

What is it with you and keys, huh?

All right, come on.

Let's get you inside.

There you go, Papa Frank.

- Thank you, favorite daughter-in-law. - Um.

Only daughter-in-law.

Liam. Sit.

Hey, uh, would you save Lucas a waffle?

I gotta go to work

and he and Sierra spent the night.

- Yeah. - Thanks.

- Mm-hmm. - I met your friend Dylan's dad.

You tell him I can go on

the yacht vacation with them tomorrow?

I looked the man up.

He makes nothing. He creates nothing.

He buys businesses, tears them apart,

sells the pieces,

and then discards the employees like trash.

He's a legal thief.

Here you are, Liam.

- Thank you so much. - Mm-hmm.

He wants the companies to fail.

The world's not just, Liam.

No one's gonna take care of us in our old age.

We have a moral duty to rip this asshole off.

You know how to take photos with this?

- Mm-hmm. - What is keeping Carl?

His bacon's getting cold.

What's with the boot? I cauterized the stumps.

They were still bleeding,

so I went to the ER.

Waste of money.

Cauterization has been used

since the Egyptians were building pyramids.

- Are those waffles? - Yum.

So can I go on the cruise with Dylan's family or not?

Well... are we partners?

Yeah.

Okay, good.

I'm very proud to be your partner.

And your job, partner,

is to go to the Caribbean and have a great time.

After you get the code.

- The code? - To turn off the alarm.

And pics of their valuables

and of the security system.

One more big score, I can retire in style.

Carl! You motherfucker!

What the hell was that?

Marital bliss.

- So now what? - Well,

I steal her wedding dress, I take her place at wedding

and marry rich old man with saggy diaper.

You don't think he's gonna notice the difference?

He thought I was her. He is weak in the head.

What about the wedding guests?

I wear a veil. No one will see.

- Kev. - What?

- Get her phone. - You get her phone.

I get it. Hold machete.

She tries anything, you cut her face, okay?

No way. I'm not slashing her face

if she tries to make a run for it.

"Zlata"?

Shit.

***

Her mother is coming to the wedding.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

She's gonna know Svetlana isn't her daughter, right?

You yell one more time, I will shave your head,

I will cut off your nipples,

and I will sell you to the Mexican cartel

for big fun, okay?

When is Zlata coming?

Today.

I am supposed to pick her up at airport.

And I need to pee.

Get a bowl.

What?

Use it for her to pee.

Through her pants?

Take the pants off! Get a bowl.

- You know her mother? - Ah, Zlata.

Scary old Soviet.

Survived Stalingrad as a young girl

by eating human flesh.

She was a cannibal?

- Oh, hey, Fiona. - Hey.

Just back for a shower and a quick change of clothes.

Jesus.

What happened to your toes?

Frank cut 'em off.

He what?!

It's no big deal. I asked him to.

You get rid of the squatters yet?

Ah... no.

Uh, Ford and Nessa are watching the building

while I go to a lawyer thing.

Burn 'em out.

It's the oldest trick

in the slumlord's handbook: Arson.

You set a good blaze, they got two choices:

run out of the building screaming

or burn to death,

and you get to the collect the insurance.

Has anyone seen my other boot?

I'm not gonna burn my building down, Frank.

Why not? Being a landlord sucks.

Tenants who won't pay their rent,

toilets clogged with...

massive after-Thanksgiving turds...

oh, there it is.

You need to get in touch with Pyro Paulie.

- Who? - Paulie Paterniski.

Best firebug on the South Side.

I think he works at the Handy Mart now.