Two and a Half Men

English Subtitles. Two and a Half Men S12E09 (720p) Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey - HDTV

Previously on Two and a Half Men...

I'm not gay. Does Alan know?

Can we kiss again? Yeah.

Do you want to go up to my... Let's go.

Oh...

Walden, can you come here?

It's fine. I-I've waited for two years.

I can wait a little bit longer.

Walden?

Parenting rule number four: sleep is better than sex.

let's go over the rules again.

We don't talk to strangers.

Don't climb the rock wall alone.

And?

We don't eat anything we find in the ball pit.

All right, now, go have fun.

All right, Alan,

let's go over your rules.

Uh, if I find a wallet, I have to turn it in.

Uh, no haggling over the corn dog prices.

And?

No standing underneath the moms

on the rock wall. The rock wall. Yes.

Oh, great.

What?

Laurel's here.

Oh.

So go talk to her.

What am I supposed to say? "I'm sorry about our date.

"It's just that I prefer sleeping with a six-year-old kid

to sleeping with you."

Oh, oh, it's okay. I'm-I'm talking about my own son.

You know, maybe I'll just avoid her.

If I wanted to avoid every woman I ever embarrassed myself

in front of, I'd never leave the house.

I'd even have to steer clear of the UPS lady.

She looked in the window and caught me...

handling my own package.

You know, it's not the things that you do,

so much as the way that you say them.

No, no.

It-It's also the things that you do.

Okay, you know, I just wish there was a way

to, like, jump over the awkwardness

and get right into the conversation with her.

You know what, I think I can... I can help you with that.

Laurel!

Look who's here! And awake!

Hey, guys.

I'll, uh... I'll leave you two lovebirds alone.

I'm gonna go check on Louis.

Hey, remember how we used to have to pretend to be gay?

Crazy, right?

I'm sorry I didn't call.

And I'm-I'm sorry

I fell asleep instead of having sex with you. I...

Will you stop walking by?

I really am sorry.

I'm not mad.

Though you are now in my phone as Rip Van Walden.

I'm sorry, what was that? I just nodded off.

So, what you been up to?

Oh, you know, not much. Just...

training for a marathon,

developing an international photo sharing app,

and I'm writing a young adult novel.

Wow. Really?

No, I have a six-year-old.

All I do is come here and eat food on a stick.

Well, do you want to... maybe...

schedule another playdate?

I would love that.

I mean, Lily would love that. Oh.

Louis would also love it.

Imagine

all the... games

that they would play together.

Yeah. And all the, uh, toys they would play with.

Toys? I-I hope none of them are...

a choking hazard.

Wouldn't matter to me.

I don't have a gag reflex.

.

Sync, corrected by elderman @elder_man

Morning.

How's the neck?

Not good.

Yeah. Well, I told you not to stand under that mom

on the rock wall.

That's why we have rules!

Yeah, well, wearing underwear on the rock wall

should be one of those.

Hey, Louis, are you excited about your playdate with Lily?

I guess.

"I guess."

You got a cute girl coming over here.

You should be popping in the...

Kidz Bop Slow Jamz and putting some Sunny D on ice.

Do I have to share my Legos with her?

Of course not. It's a playdate. You're not marrying her.

Alan.

Yes, we should share everything we can...

Our toys, our books, our...

sausage links.

If I could move

my neck, I'd give you such a look right now.

The lesson is that we should all share.

Okay. I got to poop.

Whoa! Whoa, what are you doing?

Sharing.

No. No, that's taking!

That's my job in this house!

So what's the deal?

Pinched nerve? Slipped disk?

The official diagnosis? You're old.

Very funny. I'd like a second opinion.

All right, you're also out of shape.

Come on, I'm in decent shape for my age.

Eh...

Look, Alan, when you get to be our age,

you get a little more fragile.

You-you don't bounce back as easily.

The only thing that bounces back is that belly

when I poke it.

Stop it.

I used to be in the same boat as you.

Then I found this awesome new gym,

put myself on a regular workout program.

Now I'm in the best shape of my life.

Surprised you didn't notice.

Oh. Oh, yeah. You, uh... you look great.

It's too late, Alan. The damage has been done.

You should come down and work out with me.

It's, uh, nothing but hot women in yoga pants

as far as the eye can see.

Sure, it's a little creepy if you look right at 'em,

but, uh, there are mirrors everywhere.

Yeah. I guess I could break out

the old headband and leg warmers.

Great. Hey, uh, since I got you here,

it's, uh... it's been a year since your last prostate exam.

Oh, no.

If it makes you feel any better, you get a lollipop afterwards.

Well, I've done a lot more for a lot less.

Aw. Aw.

It's like the eye of a hurricane.

It's eerily quiet now, but in an hour

everything will be broken and wet.

Well, at least I'm not the only one who falls asleep

when cute girls are around.

Aw. Thanks so much for having us.

I'm very impressed with this spread.

What kind of cheese is this?

Uh...

okay, I have to confess.

They're Lunchables.

That's the yellow cheese,

but I also have the orange and the white.

No. No, thanks. I'm gonna save room for the Fruit Roll-Up.

So tell me,

how is it that a guy like you is not already married

to some... I don't know... Gorgeous swimsuit model?

Okay, you obviously haven't seen Alan in a Speedo.

I'm-I'm serious.

You're sweet, you're good-looking, you're successful.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Okay. I've been told...

that I listen too much.

Which is a common problem

among men whose penises are too large.

Uh, well, I-I also have this...

this teeny, tiny quirk where, uh,

I screw up relationships as soon as they start going well.

Oh. That's encouraging.

Oh, oh. No, no, no. But don't worry, uh,

'cause this isn't going well at all.

Well, I'm glad to hear you say that

'cause... I was about to leave.

Oh.

Mmm, okay. That-that kind of behavior

can get you put in time-out.

Time-outs don't work on me.

I need to be spanked.

Looks like someone needs to be sent to my room.

Wow. Look at the Lululemons on her.

Did I tell you or did I tell you?

Yeah. Be cool, though.

Getting tagged as a lurker is a hard label to shake.

So I've heard.

Oh, oh, check out the redhead.

Her shorts say "Juicy."

If our garments are being honest,

mine would say "Aroused."

Ooh, look at the blonde on the yoga ball.

Mmm, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy...

Lyndsey?

Alan.

How did I not recognize her?

I've got to look at more faces.