Friends

Coffee.

- Thank you. - Cappuccino.

And a nice hot cider for Monica.

Aw, thank you.

- Rach? - Yeah?

Why does my cinnamon stick have an eraser?

Oh.

Oh, heh.

That's why.

Sorry.

Chandler?

Miss Tedlock, you're looking lovely today.

May I say that is a very flattering sleeve length on you?

Yes.

Well, Mr. Costilick would like you to stop by his office at the end of the day.

Oh, listen, if this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them.

Really, nothing at all. Really.

Nothing.

Hey, you guys. You guys.

Chandler's coming, and he says he has this incredible news.

So when he gets here, let's all act like, you know...

Hey. GROUP: Hey.

Never mind. But it was gonna be really good.

What's going on? RACHEL: What's up?

It's a typical day at work. I'm inputting my numbers...

and Big Al calls me into his office...

and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor.

- That is great! - Congratulations.

So I quit.

Why?

Why? This was supposed to be a temp job.

Yeah, Chandler, you've been there for five years.

I know, but if I took it this...

it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do.

So was it a lot more money?

Doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys...

that's in his office until 12:00 at night worrying about the WENUS.

"The WENUS"?

Weekly estimated net usage system. It's a processing term.

Oh, that WENUS.

So, what are you gonna do?

I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know.

I'm not gonna figure it out working there.

Oh! I have something you can do.

I have this new massage client. Steve.

Anyway, um, he's opening up a restaurant...

and he's looking for a head chef.

Um, hi there.

Hi.

Oh, yeah, I know. You're a chef, I know, and I thought of you first.

But, um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so...

Yeah, I just don't have a lot of chefing experience.

Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Well, what kind of food is he looking for?

He wants to do something eclectic, so he's looking for someone...

who can, you know, create the entire menu.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah, I know.

So, what do you think?

Thanks, Pheeb. I just don't really see myself in a big white hat.

Okay.

Oh, Monica. Guess what?

Can you see my nipples through this shirt?

No, but don't worry. I'm sure they're still there.

Where you going, Mr. Suit-ey Man?

Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pilman...

career counselor-a-go-go.

I added the "a-go-go."

Career counselor?

Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.

I don't.

Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do.

You know, you have goals. You have dreams.

I don't have a dream.

Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.

Oh, I love my life. I love my life.

Brian's Song.

The meeting with that guy went great?

So great. He showed me where the restaurant's gonna be.

It's this cute little place on 10th Street.

It's not too big, not too small. It's just right.

Was it formerly owned by a blond woman and some bears?

So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. Kind of like an audition.

And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which will be great for me.

Because you can make yummy noises.

- What are you gonna make? - Yummy noises.

And, Monica, what are you gonna make?

I don't know. I don't know. It's just gotta be so great.

Oh! I know what you can make. I know.

Oh, you should make that thing, you know, with the stuff.

You know that thing with the stuff?

Okay, I don't know.

Hey, guys, anyone know a good date place in the neighborhood?

Uh, how about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.

Okay. Ahem.

Hey, does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

- Who are you going out with? - Oh, is this the bug lady?

I love you, Ross.

Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady.

She's curator of insects at the museum.

So, what are you guys gonna do?

Well, I just thought we'd go to dinner, then bring her back to my place...

and I'd introduce her to my monkey.

And he's not speaking metaphorically.

- So back to your place? - Uh-huh.

You thinking maybe, heh-heh?

Ahem, well, I don't know, heh-heh.

I'm hoping heh-heh.

I'm telling you, that monkey's a chick magnet.

She's gonna one look at his furry, cute little face and it'll seal the deal.

Aah! ROSS: Celia, don't worry.

Celia, he's not gonna hurt you. Soothing tones, Celia, soothing tones.

- Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - Aah!

- Here, here. Marcel? Marcel? - I can't stand this.

- He's got his claws on my... - Yeah, all right.

Okay, try this salmon mousse.

Mm. Good. MONICA: Yeah?

Is it better than the other salmon mousse?

It's creamier.

Yeah? Well, is that better?

I don't know. We're talking about whipped fish, Monica.

I'm just happy I'm keeping it down, you know?

God, what happened to you?

Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests...

intelligence tests, personality tests, and what do I learn?

"You're ideally suited for a career in data processing...

for a large multi-national corporation."

That's so great, because you already know how to do that.

Can you believe it?

Don't I seem like somebody who should be doing something really cool?

You know, I just always pictured myself doing something...

Something.

Oh, Chandler, I know, I know.

Oh, hey, you can see your nipples through this shirt.

Here you go. Maybe this will cheer you up.

Ooh, you know, um, I had a grape about five hours ago...

so I better split this with you.

It's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-appetizer.

The French call it an amuse-bouche.

Well, it is amusing.

Hello? Oh, hi, Wendy.

Yeah, 8:00.

What did we say? Ten dollars an hour?

Okay, great.

All right, I'll see you then. Bye.

Ten dollars an hour for what?

I asked a waitress at work to help me out.

Waitressing?

Uh-oh.

Ha, ha. Of course I thought of you.

But... - But... - But, but?

But, you see, it's just this night has to go just perfect, you know...

and, well, Wendy's more of a professional waitress.

Oh.

I see. Yes. And I've sort of been maintaining my amateur status...

so that I can waitress in the Olympics.

You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in '76.

Amuse-bouche?

Talk to me.

Okay, uh, ahem, a weird thing happened to me on the train this morning...

No, no, no. Talk dirty.

- Wow. Here? - Come on.

Come on.

Say something... hot.

- What? - Uh... - What? - Ooh.

- What? - Um... What?

- What? - Vulva.

"Vulva"?

All right, I panicked, all right?

She took me by surprise.

You know, but it wasn't a total loss. I mean, uh, we ended up cuddling.

Whoa, you cuddled? How many times?

Shut up. It was nice. I just...

I just don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know?

What's the big deal? Just say what you want to do to her.

Or what you want her to do to you.

Or what you think other people might be doing to each other.

Look, I tell you what. Try something on me.

Please be kidding.

Why not? Come on.

Just close your eyes and tell me what you'd like to be doing right now.

Okay, I'm, uh...

I'm in my apartment...

Yeah, what else?