The Goldbergs

Back in the '80s, TV gave us

some of the most iconic friendships ever.

Ricky had Alfonso. Natalie had Blair.

Tattoo had Ricardo Montalban.

But the greatest friendships of the decade came from my family.

Barry had his trusted Jenkintown Posse.

I ran with the badass theater geeks.

And we were kings of the school, kinda.

My dad's crew was our dog, Lucky, and his ratty old chair.

Even my mom found a group of friends.

They were a gang

of busybody yentas

who proudly called themselves the "Frentas."

They were known for their power-walking,

gossiping, and matchmaking.

You are an expert.

Beverly, this match is inspired.

I know.

I dug down deep and pictured myself

being thanked at their wedding.

Hey! We're sharing a private,

supercharged, erotic moment over here!

We've been spotted! Run! Run!

And the height of their Frentaship

was their weekly brunches.

Guess who brought fresh-cut flowers.

And guess who brought bagels n' schmears.

And guess who brought mimosas.

Come on in! Sunday's funday!

I just punished my insides.

- I got to unbutton. - Tummy so full.

I'm a ticking time bomb.

What happened to my eggs Florentine,

crusty sausage puffs, and fluffy Bevcakes?

Oh, that was for you guys?

Yes. Who else would it be for?

We just thought someone abandoned a four-person brunch,

so we were like, "Let's go to town."

It's fine. We can just have the bagels.

- Linda, look out! - They're back!

I don't even know how they got here!

They're like raccoons!

Get! Get! Get!

It was March 28, 1980-something,

and me and the theater geeks

were about to have our worlds rocked.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut your tiny mouths!

Not to be dramatic, but I have mind-melting news

that will change your lives forever!

I am talking about

"Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat."

The national tour starring triple threat David Cassidy

is coming to Philly.

- Did you get us tickets? - Better.

In each city, they hire local kids to be the children's choir

that sings live onstage.

And guess who sent them a tape of last year's Winter Jam

and harassed them until they said yes.

- You? - Me!

Holy balls!

We're gonna tread the boards of the Walnut Street Theatre!

I heard the kids in Pittsburgh

got to have bios in the "Playbill"!

We should dine at restaurants while we can,

'cause soon, we're gonna be mobbed by adoring fans.

All of your expectations are completely reasonable.

Next stop, Broadway!

Dad, I have amazing news!

All I need is for you to drive me to play rehearsal

in downtown Philly during the height of rush hour

for the next three months.

Oh, that was the first time I said that out loud.

- Can I go back? - Wait a minute.

This is every day? What about homework?

Homework is for people who can't do this.

Stop. I'm not gonna have you flunk out

'cause of some goofy play.

Goofy? Okay, let me put this in terms you'll understand.

This would be like if I was asked

to do a hockey thing for, like...

What's the Broadway of hockey?

There's clearly no answer that's gonna work for both of us.

Dad, it's totally unfair if you say no.

I mean, you drive Barry

to his wrestling matches and hockey games.

Well, that's completely different.

- How? - I like those things.

You see the distinction?

While my theater future looked bleak,

Barry and his boys were watching

their favorite movie, "Colors,"

the story of gang life and the friendships that survive.

Man, I always thought "Red Dawn"

was the most awesome movie about colors,

but it's "Colors."

They're a fiercely loyal group or friends.

They're just like us, ya know?

I love you, JTP.

All: JTP.

Oh, man, I feel like I want to hug you guys.

But let's play football instead.

Frentas al fresco.

Does it get any better than this, girls?

That's pass interference!

Essie Karp's big dumb head got in the way!

Sweet! Various cheeses.

Oh, yeah.

Barry! We're having Sunday Funday in the backyard,

so you kids go play in the front yard.

Fine. We'll just play at Andy's house.

His awesome mom is always so welcoming

and makes the best snacks.

It's Barry's new tactic to bend Bev to his will.

Please! I make mine with love and lots of mayonnaise.

She literally can't stand the idea

of being replaced by another mom.

Yeah, but she always makes you feel at home, you know?

My body was your home for nine months.

Yeah, so you claim.

Watch the master at work.

Have fun with your pals... Mrs. Goldberg.

Barry, wait.

Take the backyard.

My real mom's love has brought me back!

Oh!

Ladies, always a pleasure.

- JTP! - JTP!

Close call.

They almost went to another yard for football.

Bev, we're your best friends.

We help each other out through thick and thin, right?

- Of course. - Then it's our job to tell you

that boy manipulates the hell out of you!

- Played you like a fiddle. - Please.

I invented emotional blackmail and guilt.

That's my jam.

Well, then he learned from the best.

Thanks to her friends, my mom realized she was being played.

Meanwhile, a play about Joseph

made my friends divas and me the odd man out.

Last night's rehearsal was amazing.

I love how loose we all get as the night wears on.

Yeah, that's when David Cassidy says the magic happens.

Okay, stop the madness!

None of you actually know David Cassidy.

Adam! David is a colleague.

I can't have this negativity.

I have to perform tonight, and if I'm not 100%,

that's just not fair to the audience.

I'm gonna say something controversial, Adam.

I think you're acting petty 'cause you're jealous.

Of course I am! You're rubbing elbows

with the hottest stars of regional theater

and getting special treatment at school.

Hey, when we're here,

we're just regular students, like everyone else.

Okay! Time for some vocal warm-ups!

Of course, those of you who are in "Joseph"

can come with me for some hot cocoa

in the teachers lounge.

I can't have my stars straining their voices.

Um, what about the rest of us?

Oh. Uh, you have a sub this period.

All right, you musical scrubs!

It's my understanding that you guys are

the theatrical equivalent of bench riders.

So, I'm gonna whip you into shape with some suicide scales

and some voice sprints.

Those aren't real things, Coach.

Also, I should be with the talent,

not stuck here with these dirtbags

who take choir for an easy "A."

Why are you never this fired up in gym class?

'Cause I'm a theater geek, Coach,

not that you'd ever understand.

That's a flag on the assumption!

Really? You like musicals?

Last month, my lady love, Ms. Cinoman, dragged me

to a community college for an evening of theater.

I had prepared myself for a night of misery,

when out of nowhere,

this troupe of cats came crawling down the aisle.

They were singing, dancing,

with their athletic thighs and their gymnastic voices.

I wish I could remember what that show was called.

"Cats."

No. That's not it.

It'll come to me.

The point is, that was the night

my love for musical theater was born.

That's it! If I can get my dad to see "Joseph,"

then he'll turn into a theater geek and finally get me!

All it took for me was seeing one dancing cat show.

I think it was called "Pets."

"Cats"! It's called "Cats"!

All right, smarty pants! Drop and give me 20!

20 what?

Monologues. Stage laps.

No, wait! Vocal tongue twisters! Move it!

Mommy made me mash my M&Ms. Mommy made me mash my M&Ms.