Family Guy

Aw, this is one of those weird third-verse-nobody-knows songs.

Glad that's over. Oh, God, there's four.

And now, Adam West High School Choir's

original Christmas song, "Die Hard."

I see those looks.

Yes, the movie was originally released in summer,

but it took place on Christmas Eve,

which makes it a Christmas film.

I guess we don't need this for anything.

Chris and Meg alert.

Oh. We have to go, uh, call our congressman.

- What are they...? - Hey, Mr. Quagmire.

Getting ready for the birth of Christ?

Which happened!

Chris. Megan.

- Gross. - So, how did you like the show?

I-I didn't love it.

H-Hey, have you guys seen that mom

who wears a swimsuit for a bra?

She can't come to these.

Her ex-husband has a restraining order against her.

Boy, her stock just keeps going up.

So, Christmas, huh?

- You guys must be excited. - Ugh, not at all.

It's always disappointing.

Just a reminder of how truly lonely I am.

- Hey-hey! Seamus, my man! - Oh, hello.

Allow me to introduce you to my son, Woody.

- Hey, Woody. - Hey.

He's gonna be a new character on the show.

You're barely a character on the show.

More than Woody!

Meg, there's a lot I have to get done here,

so I need you to take Stewie to the mall to meet Santa.

- Okay. Sure. - Great.

Now, why don't you go warm up the car for your little brother?

She's gone. Quick!

Let's take the picture for the Christmas card.

I sent the wrong picture to Walgreens.

Oh, look, there's all the Jewish kids

sitting on the rabbi's lap,

where he asks them for something.

I want a new TV, and it can't be a Vizio.

Sony or Samsung only.

And I need it all set up before I turn it on.

I don't want to have to do any of the things!

Okay, little guy. You're up.

So, little boy, what would you like for Christmas?

What's wrong, little boy?

Don't be scared of Santa.

Come on, Stewie. It's okay.

Just sit on Santa's lap.

Ugh. Some people push their kids to do stuff way too soon.

Do you agree, Doctor Baby-Violin?

I really do.

Is it okay if I just hold him for the picture?

Ho, ho, ho. Of course.

Sit right here, young lady.

Here you go, Stewie. Santa's no one to be scared of.

He's kind and warm. He loves unconditionally,

and... and he makes...

everyone feel so... so...

Meg, what are you doing?

You look like Mom when she sits on the washing machine.

Now, what would you like for Christmas, little boy?

Shut up, everyone! Shut up! Shut up!

Just shut up!

What, uh... Wh-What just happened?

I'll have what she's having.

Okay. She had six well-done hamburger patties

jammed into a hard taco shell.

Oh. I just want to feel like that.

Okay. I mean, I can get it for you, but it's a weird order.

The chef was not happy about it.

Are you ready for me, Meg?

- Are you ready to get up? - Huh?

I said it's time to get up.

It's 2:00.

I've never seen you sleep so soundly.

What's going on?

Mom, I think I met someone.

Oh, Meg, that's amazing.

I want to know all about him.

What's his name?

Let's just call him "Beard Boy."

Oh! It's like I'm in Sex with the City.

It all happened so quick, but I really feel something.

Am I crazy?

No. Trust your instincts.

You've got to chase this feeling.

Go find Beard Boy.

I will, Mom. I will!

What was going on in here?

The windows are steamed up

like when Subway's making the bread.

Hey. What's going on in here?

We're making the bread, sir.

Good. Now get back to making sandwiches

with the shiniest turkey on earth!

Subway. Have it your way.

If your way is very wet.

Can you pass the milk?

Stewie? Can you pass the milk?

Shut up! Shut up!

Just shut up!

Hey. Pass the milk.

What the hell's going on with you?

I-I haven't slept in two days.

Is this still that Santa thing? Get over it.

You didn't see the things I saw.

I mean, Santa Claus was bouncing us on his knee.

And it got a little faster,

then faster, and the more he bounced,

the bigger Meg's eyes got.

It was... it was... Just look at the picture!

Wow. Okay.

Uh, Stewie, I think I know what happened.

I can't tell you explicitly, since we're owned by Disney,

but let me just say that

Santa made her "Little Mermaid" "Moana."

- Oh. - Exactly.

Brian, would you hand me the Fat Man's fancy puking hat?

God, this hat is deep.

Now, there's my hat. Kids, I'm off to the opera.

This opera stinks.

It was awful, Rupert.

And worst of all, I didn't even get to ask Santa

for the Vitamix.

Blender? It's more than a blender.

Stewie. I'm gonna take you back to the mall

to sit on Santa's lap.

Oh, my God, I've got to hide!

How did she find me? That's my best hiding spot. No!

Oh, and by the way, Rupert, after what I saw,

I know you've been faking it this whole time.

Meg, please don't.

Listen, I've got seven dollars in my piggy bank.

It's yours. No?

All right, uh, I'll kill Chris.

You want me to kill Chris?

Who do you want me to kill? Chris? No?

Okay. I got it.

Next road show, Stewie and Meg. Promise.

High in the middle and round at both ends!

Meg, I love our road show.

- Next. - No!

Huh. Something's different.

Hey, uh, Meg? Uh, can you cut that out?

- Dad?! - Please don't tell your mother about this.

I took an extra job.

I don't make much money, and Christmas is very expensive.

Dad? I'm gonna ask you one question,

and how you answer it will determine the rest of my life.

Were you the Santa at this mall yesterday?

- No. - Oh, thank God.

Now, Meg, I got a question for you:

Is there really a weight limit for the escalator,

or did I just meet some mean kids?

Hey, Peter, let's keep it moving.

Some stockbrokers are gonna throw me into a gong later.

Excuse me. Do you remember the Santa from yesterday?

Lady, I've been thrown head first into so many gongs,

I don't remember my own name.

I think he was just a temp. I'd try the Warwick Mall.

Thanks. Stewie, come on.

We're going to the Warwick Mall.

Stewie?

Chocolate sample.

Again.

Just leave the carton.

- Santa's the best. - I'm gonna ask for a bike.

I'm also enthusiastic about Santa.

All hail the great Santa Claus.

Yeah. This guy gets it.

Wait a minute. That noise seems negative.

Santa's a good guy 'cause he keeps a list?

You know who else kept a list? Hitler.

My uncle who moved to the Idaho wilderness

says Hitler was a great man.

There you are. Come on.

We've got to visit Santa at another mall.

I can't go back to Santa, man! I can't!

- Hello again. - Hi.

That's the guy that was peeing in the women's bathroom.