I Know What You Did Last Summer

- -

I tell you what.

That's got to be the prettiest girl we've ever had in competition.

I tell ya.

Now let's welcome back our six finalists onstage.

Come on back out, girls.

There they are. They're as pretty as they can be, aren't they? I'll tell you.

We're proud of you, girls. You worked hard. Your mamas and daddies have worked hard.

We're mighty proud of you.

All right!

Whoo-hoo!

God, look at her. I mean, she was born for this.

I had no idea her breasts were so ample.

Dude, she does these exercises that pump 'em up.

Guys, hi. I'm on sexist overload as it is.

Kill the commentary.

Now, in the spirit of mother Teresa,

what will be your contribution to your community and the world at large?

Well, Bob, at summer's end I plan to move to New York City,

where I'll pursue a career as a serious actress.

It's my goal to entertain the world through artistic expression.

Through art, I shall serve my country.

Do you feed her this shit?

Work it, babe.

Man, they're eatin' it up. Look, she's incredible.

And now, this year's croaker queen is...

Miss Helen shivers!

Yeah! Yeah, that's my girl! That's my girl!

That's my girlfriend! Helen!

Yeah, baby, yeah!

how's my hair? Hurricane-proof.

Hey, it's all about the hair. Don't you forget that.

Especially when you become some big hotshot lawyer.

Those professional women types think it's all about brains and ability...

and completely ignore the "do".

So, the "do's" vital. Got it.

Hey, you ridin' with me? Uh, no, tell mom I'll be late.

Uh, is little miss croaker getting sauteed tonight?

Ho, a twit with a wit. Eat me.

Hey, Julie. Brought you a shooter on the house.

Oh, thanks, Max, but you know what, I have this mental block.

I can't get past the slime. How 'bout I take you out before you leave town?

You know, kind of a bon voyage thing.

Oh, uh--

you know what-- I-I don't, I don't think so, Max.

We've been friends since forever.

Now, you can't just leave without a farewell, right? Right.

A toast to us.

To our last summer of...

immature, adolescent decadence.

Somebody's buzzed.

Yo, chum bait, take a hike. Hey! Hey!

Hey, easy! Easy!

Hey! Come on, man. Barry, they're just friends.

Man, this is tired.

Hey, Ray, just taking care of your girl like I promised.

Thanks, buddy. Let's blow.

Yeah, hey, let's beam down to Dawson's beach. Little joyride.

Good-bye.

So the boy and girl are making out, right,

when they hear over the radio that this lunatic killer's escaped from an insane asylum.

He's got this long, sharp hook for a hand, right?

Dude, your tellin' it wrong.

Shut up. So the girl, she gets all scared, right?

She wants to go home. And the boy, all hot and bothered,

he gets pissed and peels out. Wait. No, no, no.

That's not the way it goes. Okay, the boy goes for help,

and the girl stays in the car, and she hears this, like, scratching sound--

it's not a scratching sound. It's a drip. Drip, drip.

No, it's scratching because the guy's been hung...

From a tree and his feet are scratching on the car. No.

He's been decapitated, and it's the blood from his severed neck...

that's dripping on the car, and it's going, drip, drip, drip.

No, he wasn't decapitated. He was gutted with a hook.

That's the way I heard it.

Look, you're all wrong.

They get back to the girl's house, and they find...

The lunatic's bloody hook in the car door.

Now, that's the original story. That's the way it really happened.

Hey, hey. None of it really happened.

- It's a bullshit ghost story to begin with. - No, it's not.

It's true. Yeah, I don't think so, Ray.

I swear it. Please.

It's a fictional story created to warn young girls...

Of the dangers of having premarital sex.

Well, actually, honey--

and you know how terrified I am of your I.Q., but--

it's an urban legend, American folklore.

And they all usually originate from some sort of real-life incident.

So, by that time,

i will just be finishing my two-year contract on guiding light,

coinciding with your first year as starting quarterback for the steelers.

Cowboys. Whoever.

Then, we can elope to Europe, or the Caymans,

wherever, where I'll let you impregnate me...

With the first of three children...

Before you head off to rehab.

And then we can live happily,

blah, blah, blah.

Ray? Ray?

Where'd you go?

I'm gonna hook you!

Hey, Ray, you don't really believe all that crap, do you? That's true.

Please, the hook is really a phallic symbol.

Oh, really? Yeah, ultimately castrated.

God, I'm gonna miss you.

You don't have to. You can always ditch this Boston thing,

and, uh, come to New York with me.

Yeah, well, we can't all sit in a village coffeehouse and ramble esoterically on our laptops.

There just isn't enough room.

See, nobody gets me the way you do. I understand your pain.

Precisely. I hate this. I really hate this.

You're gonna go off, and you're gonna fall for some head-shaven,

black-wearing, tattoo-covered, body-piercing philosophy student.

That sounds attractive.

And I'll never see you again. Hey!

Did you know the success rate of high school sweetheart relationships...

Is higher than any other type of relationship?

Yeah? Cite your source.

Are you sure?

Okay, man, but give me the keys. You're-you're toast.

Whose car is this? N-nobody drives my car but me.

I-I-I know, baby. Um, but the croaker queen has to get home now.

Thank you. Hey, you two.

Give me my fuckin' keys. You're trashed, pal.

All right. Come on. Come ride in the back with me. I'll let you do things to me.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Nobody drives my car but me.

You got that, shit smear? Loud and clear.

Get in the car.

Here. Jesus!

You can't drive for shit, you know that?

- God. - Can you say "alcoholic"?

All right, what the hell is this crap?

Yeah!

- Barry. -

- Hey! - You asshole!

What's wrong with you?

Watch out!

What was that? I don't know.

Is everybody okay?

I think it was an animal.

God, you're bleeding!

It's not mine. It must've been a dog or something.

Jesus Christ, my fuckin' car!

You fuck! Can't you see where you're goin'?

Look, it-it came out of nowhere. I didn't see it!

A dog couldn't have done that. Yeah, well, a fuckin' deer could.

Look, you dropped your bottle. I was just trying to-- my dad is going to freak.

Barry, it was an accident. Leave him alone.

Where is it? If it was a deer, then where is it?

Look, m-maybe it ran off.

I hope so. I hope we didn't kill it. Fuck that. Let's go.

Oh, my God!

- - No way.

Oh, my God. But I thought--

- I didn't see it. - No, there's no way!

Oh, my God, this isn't happening!

You check that side. Yeah.

Come on. Helen.

No!

I couldn't see it! Look, I swear!

Is he dead? I don't know.

Check his pulse. No way!

You're the one who rammed him! Just do it!

I think he's dead.

Shit! Fuck!

Who is he?

I can't tell. His face is all messed up.

What the hell was he doing out here?

We've gotta call the police and get an ambulance out here.