Kevin Can Wait

Hey, did we get new towels?

'Cause the one I just used

was like drying off with a wicker basket.

No. No, I got new fabric softener.

It's supposed to be good for the environment.

All right, we got to go through this again?

"Good for the environment" means it sucks.

"Recyclable"... It falls apart.

"Organic"... You pay twice as much, and it tastes like crap.

- That's a nice run, Dad. - Yeah.

Yeah. That's right up there with your, uh,

"you burn more calories driving than walking" theory.

It's about adrenaline.

Sweetheart. Our results are here.

- Results? - Yeah, we took one of those DNA tests.

With just a little bit of saliva,

they can unravel your DNA

and solve the mystery of your ancestry for generations back.

I'm 98% English.

- Whoa. - Wait.

According to this, I'm 16% Viking?

Viking? Hold the cheese.

Let me see that thing.

Whoa. This is incredible.

If you're 16% Viking, that makes me, uh...

I guess... I mean, you double it up for the parent, right?

So you'd be... Double it up. That would be, uh...

You just bang it up twice. You go, "Boom, boom."

Why... I'm totally blanking on this.

Why am I blanking? I don't e...

It's 32%. 32%.

32%. That means I'm 1/3 Viking.

Great. I've already played three sports, and now I'm a Viking?

Boys will never talk to me.

Yeah. It's 'cause you're a Viking.

Hey, be proud of your Nordic heritage, all right?

We're Vikings. We're brave,

we're strong, and we are fearless.

Do you still want me to pick up new fabric softener?

I do. Uh, and get the one with the little teddy bear

that rolls around in the towels. Thanks.

Snuggles. That's what all the Vikings used.

Vanessa: Morning, Rootger.

Listen, a, uh... A local magazine is doing a story on me,

and they're gonna be coming by,

taking pictures of me in the office.

- Oh, great. Yeah. - Yeah.

But if Kevin calls, you don't need to mention it to him.

I'll handle it. Just tell him I'm busy.

- Got it. - Okay, great.

- All right. Kevin! - Thanks.

Yeah. What's up?

- Vanessa's busy. - Huh?

Hey! Uh... you're here.

I thought you were tailing Mr. Martin all day today.

I did. Uh-huh.

Uh, it turns out he's cheating with the FedEx lady.

I didn't even have to get out of the car,

which is great 'cause I had a bagel sandwich going.

Nice, nice. Little...

Th... The thing is, I...

- Hey, Vanessa. - Hey...

uh, Kristen.

Um, this is Kristen from Long Island Insider.

She wrote a story about Monkey Fist.

So, this is Kevin, and this is Rootger.

So, do you want to just set up?

Yeah. I was thinking we could shoot you on the couch

- with the logo in the background? - Great.

Photo shoot. Heads-up would've been nice.

Not loving what I'm wearing, but let's do it.

Let's make it happen.

There you go.

Uh, okay.

I guess you can just stand next to Vanessa.

Yeah, right? This will be good.

Maybe I'll go, like, arms folded or something.

Really pop the biceps out. A little Superman style, huh?

Yeah. Very cool.

Hey, uh, Kristen, call my name.

Old photography trick. Watch this.

- Kristen, call my name. - I'm sorry?

You got to call my name... When I...

When I'm back, like, this way, you got to call my name.

He's not gonna shut up until you do it,

- so you just might as well do it. - Yeah.

- Okay. Kevin? - Yeah, what's up?

Take it. Snap it.

Snap that shot.

You got it? Shabang!

And... And, Kevin, let's do one

where you move back just a little bit.

Sure, absolutely. Let's make it happen here.

Just move back one more step.

Sure, no problem.

Perfect.

Hey, Kristen, call my name again.

- Do it again. Yeah. - Kevin.

Oh. Hey, babe.

Can you remind me what we're doing tomorrow night?

Oh, that's right... "Dear Evan Hansen" on Broadway.

Rhetorical question. Boom!

Actually, I just read a bad review,

and I was thinking we should skip it.

- What? - Joke from Chale! Boom!

Actually, it's not a joke. We do have to skip it.

I, um you remember I said my Aunt Tracy was coming to visit?

Yeah, you said that was next week.

I might've got the dates mixed up.

So we have to miss the hottest show on earth

because you have to babysit your aunt?

Yes, and... How do I say this nicely?

She's not quite right in the head.

So unless we can find someone to look after her,

we're stuck.

All right. Fixed the dryer. Dove right in.

I took the whole thing apart.

Turns out it was just unplugged, so you live, you learn.

Hey, Uncle Kyle,

how would you like to go on a date with an English lady?

I'm in. So, give me the lady deets.

Well, she's my aunt, Tracy.

Yeah, the whole "aunt" thing doesn't work for me.

I, uh, took my buddy's aunt out once.

They said she was fun,

which apparently meant she had skin like a lizard.

Okay, you know what, Uncle Kyle?

I didn't wanna have to do this,

but if you don't help us out, I will never hem

your fireman pants again.

But I'm odd-shaped.

With my wide hips and my crazy inseam,

I can't go to a regular tailor.

Well, that's not my problem.

Fine.

When are we talking?

- Tomorrow night. - Ah, can't do it.

- Oh, crap. - Oh, sorry.

I was looking at 2014.

I'm back in.

Hey, Rootger.

Okay, you caught me.

I was trying to read the magazine.

Wh-Wh-What magazine?

Okay, you beat it out of me!

The article they did on us.

You're not going to like it.

"Vanessa Cellucci, the gutsy, street-smart former cop

who runs Monkey Fist.

She's charming, she's sassy as"...

Is this... Is this whole thing about Vanessa?

No, you're in there. Halfway down.

"Vanessa has a motley crew of assistants.

There's Kevin Gable,

the husky, hyperactive guy who never stops talk..."

Husky? What am I, 12?

Hey, guys. What's up?

Oh, nothing.

Just playing a little game

called "Find Kevin in the Magazine Article."

I don't seem to be in here at all.

Hey, maybe I'm in a picture.

- Oh, yeah, there I am. - Nope. That's the printer.

Look, she wanted to do an article about me.

I didn't know what to say, okay?

Here's what you say... We're partners, okay?

I'm not your "husky assistant."

And by the way, I've lost weight.

I don't know if you noticed at all,

but I've been hitting the gym like three, four times a week.

Not this week, 'cause I tweaked my back,

but next week, I'll probably hit it four or five, maybe,

depending on how busy Thursday is.

Did you even read the article?

I mean, look.

"Forty under Forty:

Up and Coming Business Owners of Long Island."

- "Forty under Forty"? - Yes!

40 entrepreneurs that are under 40.

So obviously I had to leave you out.

But you're over 40.

Right, yes.

Okay. By a couple of years.

You're over 45 by a couple of years.

By the way, people mistake me for being under 40 all the time.

Oh, really? Name one.

Uh, how about Freddy at the car wash?

Just this morning, he was like, "What are you"

like 38 0r 39

And I'm like, "No, but thank you, Fred."

Mm.

These eye crinkles that you got going on?

Dead giveaway.

- My eye crinkles? - Yes.

By the way, what do you got going on the side of your eyes?

'Cause if you're done using 'em,

I'd like to rake the leaves.

That's what I like to do with those.

Okay, before this turns ugly...

Or just after...