Modern Family

Look at you, dressed like a girl. Why the change?

Did the roller-derby team try to recruit you again?

No. I have a date with Ben.

You don't seem too excited about it.

Well, I mean, he's really nice, and...

Got it. You're bored, and so am I.

Break up.

I mean, I just want to see what else is out there.

- Does that make me a bad person? - Oh, my God.

Are we still talking about this?

I solved your problem. Today.

Crowded restaurant so he doesn't make a scene.

Just deep breath and say it.

Fantastic news! Someone TP'd our house!

Halloween fun is afoot.

Dad, I really want to be excited for you,

but Halloween?

We're almost old enough to vote.

- Aaaaaahhh! - Whoa!

Ha, ha, ha, ha hah! Got me!

Worth it?

Oh, what, you're too old for a little scare?

The scariest thing is you could be a cheap pick-up line,

two beers, and nine months away from being a grandparent,

and you just risked asphyxiation in the fridge.

It's not like we're taking you trick-or-treating.

There are grown-up ways to enjoy Halloween.

How about pumpkin-boat racing?

Cam used to do it in Missouri.

Take a giant pumpkin,

cut the top off,

gut it, hop in, sail away.

Let's do it.

I'm so married to this idea,

it rolls its eyes when I make jokes in public.

Take notes... This might help you out with Ben later.

Mom, Dad?

You and Halloween have had

some great times together.

- Mm. - But it's over.

You're way too old, and it's hard to look at.

Wow, it really lines up.

- I see what's going on here. - Thank God.

I haven't communicated how big

this pumpkin's gonna be.

You guys know Clifford... the Big Red Dog?

- We're not doing this. - Plus, we all have dates.

- But... - I think they're past it.

That was kinda harsh, huh?

Oh, honey, don't take it too personally.

Me? That was directed at you, fridge monster.

You're the one who's obsessed with Halloween.

Honey, you were the one who suggested

getting a giant pumpkin

and having us sail away in it

like a family of cartoon mice.

All pumpkins are giant to mice.

There is no use in us arguing over who's more obsessed

with a holiday that's behind us already.

Way behind us.

- All right. I got to get going, honey. - Yeah, have a good one.

- Mwah! - Mwah!

- Great. Buh-bye. - Mm-hmm, bye.

Change of plans, fellas.

Hop in the car.

*MODERN FAMILY* Season 09 Episode 05 Title: "It's the Great Pumpkin, Phil Dunph"

Well, well, well. You city folk sure are late risers.

I guess your rooster has a snooze button.

It's funny how you say the exact, same thing every morning.

Since our contractor took a break

from rehabbing kitchens

- to rehab a gambling problem... - Yeah.

Jay took over, and we've been staying here.

It's been a lot of Dad,

but it... it just became too impractical

to continue living at home.

We're gonna use another coat of varnish.

The fumes shouldn't be too noticeable.

- Okay. Okay. - Oh, boy. Lily.

Oh, gosh! Okay, she's down!

It's been hard on us, living without a kitchen.

It's been, uh, six weeks now since it burned down.

Since you burned it down.

Since I burned it down.

And then maliciously made me think I did it

and leveraged my guilt for your own selfish gain.

Then maliciously made you think

that you did it, and leveraged...

Honey, you got to stop beating yourself up.

Okay.

I was going to make Joe's oatmeal.

Do you really have to use all five burners?

Well, it is called Five Burner Meat Pie,

and it's the traditional dish

back at the Halloween festival,

so it kinda makes me feel like I'm there.

Mm.

No oatmeal?

Guess I could put my beard on now.

Come over here!

Ow!

Look, I'm sorry, but the God I worship

does not let his roots show, so...

Two weeks ago,

we invited Mitch and Cam to stay here.

You invited them.

It's been hard on us,

but it's part of our Colombian heritage...

Your heritage.

To welcome family

and to never kick them out,

even when they might have some boundary issues.

I'm heading back to the job site.

Gonna let the guys knock off

for a little liqu-or-treating.

Well, that is how you manage...

to stretch a job until Christmas.

Okay, you need to go over there,

find out how long this is gonna take.

I want my kitchen back.

Okay, uh, Dad?

W... we appreciate all your hard work,

but we're running a little past schedule.

The job is done when the job is done.

You want it faster, next time, burn down a bookshelf.

Well, clearly, he doesn't know what he's doing

- and he's too proud to admit it. - I know. I know.

My breakfast is a LUNA Bar for women.

Do something.

They're family. What do you want me to do?

You need to fire your father.

Don't worry. I'll take care of it.

- Mitchell. - I swear to God.

Promise me you'll get rid of them.

Okay.

Make me believe it.

I swear to you.

I didn't have a date with a guy,

but rather a date with Destiny.

Destiny was the name of the casting director

I was auditioning for. I saw an ad,

for backup singers on a cruise ship,

and I knew it was fate.

I have a killer voice, I love karaoke,

and I'm great at partying on boats.

Haley Dunphy?

Ahoy!

I speak "ship."

Bon voyage, mateys. I crushed it.

I even crushed the modesty after.

"No, thank you for the chance to sing."

Beth and Jessica...

- Bye. - You guys stay.

Haley, we'll be in touch.

I had a good feeling about you two

when I found out you were fellow Kappa sisters.

Wait.

You're all in the same sorority?

Only the best sorority.

Kappa Kappa Theta!

- Ooh, I wanna take ya... - Okay, okay.

This is why everyone hates college graduates.

I will walk out that door,

but at least show me enough respect to admit

that this decision had nothing to do with talent.

Because everyone knows that I was the best.

Well, that took a lot of guts.

Come with me.

Let's take a second look at your audition.

See? I'm fantastic.

Mm. Keep watching.

- Okay. I've seen enough. - Oh, no, no, no.

I had to sit through this whole thing.

You will, too.

You got to remember, this was the '60s.

Competition in the closet game was fierce,

everybody chasing after the next big storage idea.

Historians remember this period as the "space race."

- Oh, Mitchell. - Uh, Dad?

Uh, I would like to see the kitchen.

I'd like to think that drinking beer makes my hair grow back,

but life ain't fair.

Okay, uh, then w... we need to talk.

You guys want to take it outside?

I need a couple minutes with El Rojo.

Mm-hmm.

- Rojo means "red." - Yeah.

I put things together quickly, unlike your workers,

which is, uh, why I'm here.

Um, Dad, if this is too much for you...

Now, wait a second.

- You're not here to fire me, are you? - What? No.

Pfft! That's a strong word.

I've done enough axing in my time

to recognize the look.

Just do it.

See, now, I was... I was hoping this would be more of a conversation.

Never been much for confrontation.

You weren't engaged to a woman six months in law school

because you were good at dropping the hammer.