I Love You, Stupid (Te quiero, imbécil)

NETFLIX PRESENTS

This is me,

and this is Ana, my girl.

We've been together for 8 years and I just asked her to marry me.

But apparently she has other ideas in mind.

I'm sorry, but this relationship is going nowhere.

We're stuck in a rut and marriage would only make it worse.

And now, I think she's going to dump me...

I don't know. We should just...

take a break.

So yeah, she dumped me and I'm done listening.

It looks like I am because I look like an idiot, but I'm not.

I guess I should listen to know why she's dumping me.

Instead, I'm thinking back to our third date.

When I told her it felt like I already knew her

because every love song that played reminded me of her.

It's a little cheesy, I know, but I meant it.

And Ana kissed me for the first time.

And then a practical thought hits me, like:

"Who's paying for this dinner?"

She's just said every cliché about breaking up except one.

If you'd like... we could still be friends.

We're taking a break?

A break...

How long is that?

A week, a few minutes, a lifetime...

8 years is plenty of time for sure.

So you're going to go out there and win her back.

Getting Ana back, just watch!

What's this?

What's left from the shop. We're selling it off online.

We didn't realize it was going so bad with Ana.

I mean, it didn't go that bad.

We were together for 8 years and now we're on a break.

What is this "break" business? How long?

Like a week, a year, a month?

Time is a fun thing, Dad, you never know how long it will last.

- Everyone knows that. Here. - I knew that girl wasn't...

Wasn't what?

We were together 8 years and no one here said a thing.

If you hadn't gone to live at her place...

That was to save on rent. I've said it a thousand times.

But she gets to stay at her place

and you have to come live here at 35 years of age.

Guys nowadays are idiots.

Relax. This will only be for a couple days.

And besides... let me finish. My life hasn't fallen apart!

My boss called me in, okay?

And I think he's going to promote me.

Not so dumb after all.

This is my office. Here we make a ton of TV commercials.

Honestly, my work is just checking over other people's work.

What I'd really love is to be a sports journalist.

But in the meantime...

You're firing me?

But John, John... Juan...

I know what I do is easy, but I'm good at it.

Layoffs.

So fire Luisma. He's a recent hire.

Luisma. Good point. I hadn't thought of him. Thanks.

No, that Luisma thing was a figure of speech. Don't fire him.

Sure, but you reminded me and we're cutting back.

- Right. It's all good, but... - No.

Right... Could you call in Luisma, please?

My girlfriend dumped me and I was sacked all within 48 hours.

There is no one more pathetic than me on this continent right now.

- I'm sure not. - You know what Ana said?

"I don't think we were made for each other." Clearly not!

I wear earplugs to avoid hearing that Melendi shit you like!

And sorry, you can't dump your boyfriend at dinner

on the day he proposes. He'll never get over it.

You say, "Let me think."

Then you go home and text him the next day

just like everyone else does.

What am I supposed to do with myself now?

She did you a favour, dude. What's this same girl for years shit?

Monogamy doesn't exist.

Do you realize the time you've lost? Look.

UNIVERSITY ORGY COME GET WILD

Is that even for real?

This and much more! Give me your phone.

- Come on, life is moving on without us. - I'm not...

Shut up. You need updating, young Marcos.

- What's your profile? - Left side. My nose looks smaller.

Clearly you are no stud.

Check it out, though... if you make an effort...

- What's that? - Friends with benefits.

I don't know...

- We'll start with some sexy emojis... - Sexy what?

- An eggplant, a peach... - So, vegetables.

You're going to make this difficult, aren't you?

Don't download a virus. What is all this?

I added a few sweet hookup apps.

Tinder, Raya, Boompi, Happn, Saken...

I know Saken. It's that Japanese drink, right?

- Oh God. - I'm going home, man.

Is your mommy waiting for you?

I'm not in the mood. I don't want to be...

Young Marcos, your new life starts now.

I know.

- Seize the day, man... - Right. I'll check it out.

That's it, check it out. Trust me!

At this very moment I just found out what my profile is:

I'm 35, I live with my parents, I am but a shadow to women,

Ana dumped me and now my life sucks.

And I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want.

Diego has good intentions, but they don't help me.

I have to look for help from reliable resources.

HOW TO GET OVER A BREAK UP

Thanks for choosing the greatest self-help channel

in all the Hispanic world.

Because when you need help, who can you turn to?

Family? Friends?

No...

You go to Google, and here we are.

- Listen up. - Okay.

You want to get out of the hole you're stuck in?

Want to look in the mirror and not be ashamed of what you see?

And most importantly,

do you want to get over your ex and start with your new life?

Exactly.

Good.

Here is my first piece of advice.

Stand up and scream.

Free yourself of all that anger and hate...

Actually, I'm more sad than angry.

Go for it...

That's it!

Say it: "Motherfucker!

You are a motherfucker!"

You are a motherfucker!

Motherfucker!

Motherfucker!

Ah... Motherfucker... Uh... Motherfucker...

Can't do it.

Motherfucker!

Don't you feel better?

Much better.

Of course, all that weight off your shoulders.

Now, I want you to take a pen and paper

and write down

what it is that you want with all your might.

Don't be a moron and put down "get back together with my ex".

What the hell.

So, in order to get what you really want,

the first thing you have to do is become financially independent.

To have money and not depend on your parents.

Of course, yeah, that's fine...

You are 35 years old, have some balls.

What are you doing still living with your parents?

Stop leeching off your parents and get out of there, you idiot!

It's just how things have been.

You big idiot! Get out of your parents' house, moron!

- Don't insult me... - Get to work!

- Get to work! - Okay, I'll give it a try now.

Idiot.

- What's up, dude? Why are you here? - What's up, Diego...

Give me a job, I mean, I want a job, I need a job. Give me a job.

- What are you talking about? - Give me a job here. Give me a job!

A job? As if I could give anyone a job.

No, young Marcos. Things are really bad now.

You don't understand me. I'm not giving you a choice.

I'm not telling you "Here, let's see if you can give me..."

- No. Give me a job or I'll tell. - You'll tell what?

I'll call your exes and tell how you cheated on them,

I'll call our friends and tell you fucked their girlfriends.

But why are you such an asshole?

It's not just to be an asshole, it's to survive.

I can look to see if there is anything in the Internet department...

- You see? - You son of a bitch,

- you could kill me any other day. - Champ, you are a champ.

Hey, stupid!

- I'm the stupid one? - Marcos!

- Yes... - It's me, Raquel!

Oh... Which one?

- From 1 B. - You're Raquel from 1 B?

Wow! How's it going?

Well, you caught me right in the middle of a lot of changes.

Lots of work, lots of projects... What are you up to?

I'm going to a funeral.

Oh, well, great...

How long has it been since we last saw each other?

Since high school... or like more than 15 years.

What've you been up to all this time?

Thinking about you.

Of course.

It's a joke, stupid!

I moved to London, remember?

- What did you want to play? - Gypsy music.

Oh yeah, you played the accordion at the year-end party.

- You were playing barefoot. - Yes!

I remember, you sang great, but you were a freak.

Well of course.

You told me you were gonna record a tape for me with that track I liked.

The Proclaimers, remember?

I recorded that tape! Didn't I give it to you?

No.

Why didn't I give it to you?

I don't know. But, if you sing it now, I'll forgive you.

- Sure, right now. - No, seriously.