American Backwoods: Slew Hampshire

MAJOR GENERAL JOHN STARK.

REVOLUTIONARY WAR HERO, NEW HAMPSHIRE NATIVE,

AND THE MAN WHO COINED THE STATE MOTTO

"LIVE FREE OR DIE.

DEATH IS NOT THE WORST OF EVILS."

WHERE IS MY RAINBOW TROUT?!

WISE MEN TALK BECAUSE THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.

FOOLS, BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING NOW--

PLATO, RIGHT?

HOW'S YOUR HONCHO?

I DON'T SPEAK MEXICAN.

IT'S PORTUGUESE, YOU IDIOT.

IN REGIONAL NEWS TONIGHT, AUTHORITIES IN MAINE ARE

RELEASING MORE GORY AND EXPLICIT DETAILS

SURROUNDING THIS WEEK'S GRISLY DISCOVERY

AT A REMOTE LOCATION NEAR ALLAGASH LAKE.

ON TUESDAY, LAW ENFORCEMENT

IN NEARBY MILLINOCKET

WAS CALLED TO THE SCENE AFTER A PARK RANGER

STUMBLED UPON HUMAN REMAINS.

ACCORDING TO THE MAINE STATE POLICE,

THE RESIDENTS OF THIS TINY COMMUNITY

WERE MEMBERS OF AN ENVIRONMENTAL RESEARCH GROUP

AND HAD BEEN LIVING THERE FOR NEARLY TWO MONTHS.

WHILE PARTIAL REMAINS OF TWO MALE VICTIMS

HAVE NOW BEEN IDENTIFIED,

25-YEAR-OLD HOLLY ANN MICHAUD,

A GRADUATE ASSISTANT STUDYING ENDANGERED PLANT LIFE

IS STILL CONSIDERED TO BE MISSING.

HER DISAPPEARANCE FOLLOWS A STRING OF

MISSING PERSON REPORTS ALONG THE MAINE-CANADIAN BORDER

DATING BACK TO MARCH

WHEN FIVE MEMBERS OF AN ICELANDIC

WILDERNESS SURVIVAL GROUP

VANISHED IN THE MOUNTAINS OF NEW BRUNSWICK.

EERILY, THIS WEEK'S TRAGEDY

ALSO BEARS STRIKING SIMILARITIES

TO A HORRIFIC DISCOVERY MADE JUST SIX WEEKS AGO

AND ONLY 100 MILES NORTHEAST

OF ALLAGASH LAKE.

IN THE WAKE OF THESE RECENT FINDINGS,

INVESTIGATORS ARE NOW FACED WITH

THE FRIGHTENING POSSIBILITY THAT

THESE ATTACKS MAY BE CONNECTED.

AND EVEN WORSE?

THAT THERE MAY BE A PATTERN DEVELOPING.

OH, SHIT! OH, YOU FUCKING SEE THAT?

BUDDY, A FUCKING REAL DEAD BITCH

RIGHT IN HER FUCKIN' GARDEN. OH SHIT, YO.

BACK TO THE ORCHARD, MOTHERFUCKERS?

NO, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

WHAT?

WHO THE FUCK DIED AND MADE YOU KING SHIT, HUH?

OH.

GUESS I RUINED THE LAST WEEKEND TOGETHER, ALREADY, FUCK.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THIS AIN'T GONNA BE OUR LAST WEEKEND TOGETHER.

OH, BULLSHIT, IT'S THE FIRST TIME

I SEEN YOUR ASS SINCE YOU WENT AWAY TO COLLEGE.

ABOUT TO FILE A MISSING PERSONS REPORT.

I STARTED SCHOOL A MONTH AGO.

YOU'RE GUILT-TRIPPING ME OVER ONE MONTH?

AND I'M GONNA BE GOING TO COLLEGE NEXT SEMESTER MYSELF.

HE'S GOING OVER TO THE VO-TECH

TWO BLOCKS FROM HIS MOTHER'S HOUSE.

I DON'T SEE YOU GOING AWAY.

I'M STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL, YOU FUCKING PRICK.

YOU'VE HAD A FUCKING HARD-ON FOR ME EVER SINCE

I GOT A PROMOTION AT THE MUFFLER SHOP.

YOU DON'T EVEN WORK THERE.

AND I GOT BETTER USES FOR MY HARD-ONS.

YOU GOT NO CLUE

WHAT TO DO WITH A HARD-ON.

FUCK YOU.

OH, DID I TOUCH YOU IN A BAD PLACE, HUH?

IS THAT WHAT I DID, HUH? HOW ABOUT RIGHT HERE?

HOW 'BOUT FUCKING RIGHT HERE, HUH, HOW ABOUT HERE?

COME ON! ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH!

HOW ABOUT RIGHT FUCKING HERE, HUH?

KNOCK IT OFF-- DON'T DO IT,

ALL RIGHT, BOTH OF YOU--

UH, KID?

MAYBE APPARENTLY YOU NEVER READ THE OWNER'S MANUAL.

BUT THE ALBINO RHINO NEVER BREAKS.

GET THE FUCK OUT, WALK HOME.

ALL RIGHT, KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF.

KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!

ALL RIGHT, DOG, JUST FUCKING HIT ME, I DESERVE IT.

NO, NO ONE'S HITTING YOU.

OH, YOU LITTLE FUCKER!

ARE WE DONE YET?

HEY! OH.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING IN HERE?

WAIT, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

YOU USED TO PLAY ON A BASEBALL TEAM

WITH MY BROTHER, CHARLIE GOSSARD?

CHARLIE GOSSARD? YEAH.

HEY, THERE'S A WICKED HUGE PARTY

AT THE PIT TONIGHT.

YOU GUYS SHOULD COME.

WOULD YOU QUIT BEING SUCH A HO-BAG?

NO, BABY, DON'T QUIT.

WHOA, WHAT THE F--

WOW, HE'S A VIRGIN, YOU'RE A FAGGOT.

I PLAYED BALL WITH CHARLIE GOSSARD

THREE YEARS AGO.

HIS SISTER WAS OUR BAT GIRL.

SHE WAS, LIKE, NINE.

YOU'RE NOT MAJORING IN MATH AT THE VO-TECH, ARE YOU?

NO, GUN REPAIR.

IT'S A CERTIFICATE COURSE.

WELL, SINCE YOU THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY MAN

THAT KNOWS HOW TO PROPERLY USE HIS GUN,

YOU'LL GET YOUR CHANCE TO PROVE IT TOMORROW NIGHT.

THOUGHT WE'D GIVE YOU A PROPER INITIATION.

INI... INITIATION?

YOU SURE? I MEAN-- WHAT INITIATION?

I AIN'T GONNA SIT AROUND AND CRY ALL WEEKEND.

YOU CAN IF YOU WANT, OR YOU CAN COME WITH ME.

NO, NO, HOLD-- NO, CAN I COME TOO?

YEAH, I GUESS SO. UNLESS YOU WANNA GO

AND JOUST WITH THAT JUNIOR HIGH HYMEN.

NO, NO, FUCK THAT, DOG, I'M GOING WITH YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE, BUT YOU CAN'T FUCKING STOP ME.

YOU GOTTA ADMIRE HIS CONVICTION.

YEAH, WHICH ONE? (CHUCKLING)

ALL RIGHT-- FUCKING DRIVING ME.

YOU'RE FUCKING DRIVING!

OPEN UP!

CAMPUS POLICE!

LONG TIME NO SEE.

OH, YES, BRO! OH, SHIT!

AAH!

AH, YO, SO THIS IS IVY LEAGUE, HUH?

GOT BOOKS AND SHIT,

LOOK AT THIS.

WHAT BRINGS YOU GENTLEMEN TO DARTMOUTH?

WE'RE HERE TO RESCUE YOU FROM THIS WAYWARD LIFE

YOU'VE CHOSEN FOR YOURSELF, DOG.

UH, THANKS, BUT THIS WAYWARD LIFE

COST ME A LOT OF MONEY SO I THINK I'LL KEEP IT.

BULLSHIT, YOU GOT ALL THEM NEGRO FUND SCHOLARSHIPS

AND SHIT, RIGHT?

WELL, I GUESS THEY GOTTA MEET THEIR QUOTA.

OH, YEAH, LIKE McDONALD'S WITH THOSE RETARDS.

OR THE MUFFLER SHOPS.

YOU SEE THIS, BUDDY, THIS FUCKIN' HARD-ON.

OH, DAMN, DID YOU SEE THAT?

HEY! WHERE YOU GOING, BABY?

YOU GOTTA RUB IT IN?

HELP! OH, MY GOD.

WHAT DO WE DO? CAN WE GET SOME HELP?

I'M SORRY, BRO.

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP US!

WELL, NOW YOU JUST LOOK LIKE THE COVER OF

A PUBLIC ENEMY ALBUM, BUT IF THAT'S WHAT

YOU'RE GOING FOR...

SO WHERE IS IT THAT YOU'RE GOING?

SALEM STATE. YEAH?

YOU'RE GONNA PLAY BALL THERE, RIGHT?

THAT'S GREAT, MAN.

YEAH, NOT REALLY, IT'S DIVISION THREE.

YOU KNOW, YOUR KNEES ARE THE ONLY REASON--

THAT I DIDN'T GET DRAFTED, THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY SAYS.

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING AN ADRENALINE JUNKIE.

NO, MAN.

WHAT I GOT WAS LUCKY.

GET FUCKED, YOU CUNT.