New Girl

Welcome, everyone, to Big Dinner, where the news is big,

and the dinner is regular size.

Not to be confused with Big Supper,

where we eat dinner and we watch the movie Big.

The movie about a grown woman who has sex with a little boy? What?

- She didn't know. - Tonight we gather

to celebrate Jess and I's final weekend inside the chrysalis

of professional mediocrity before Monday,

when we burst forth in fully pupated positions.

Principal Day. Director of...

Non-Television, Non-Radio West Coast Marketing.

And Principal Day.

Sorry. I should have waited till the end.

What's "pupatated"? Okay.

It's time for the rites of passage.

Ding, ding, ding. I have some Big Dinner

- news of my own. - Winston, sit down!

The topics for Big Dinner have already been decided.

As you all know, Aly and I have recently become engaged.

I receive all that love, and then I give it right back.

Anyway, as we were saying... I got to finish this. It's really important.

In order to get married,

I have commenced divorce proceedings

with my wife...

Rhonda, yeah. Rhonda.

Ding, ding, ding, ding. Real quick.

I hate Rhonda.

Hey, that's my wife!

Such a good Harrison Ford.

Who you married as a prank.

Which, for the record, no one gets.

Ding, ding, ding, ding. What the hell is going on here?

If everybody's jumping in, I'm gonna jump in.

Reagan says my room looks stupid,

like a teenager lives there. She's correct.

No one's authorized to ding, ding, ding except for Schmidt and I.

And you you're not supposed to say "ding, ding, ding"

when you ding, ding, ding.

Guys, please.

These are all common topics.

This is why I proposed Common Lunch, but nobody showed up.

Don't yell at us 'cause you guys are freaking out

about your new jobs. I am not freaking out.

I have been preparing for this job

ever since I was young enough to believe.

Leprechauns were real.

Leprechauns are real.

Yeah, I caught one. He caught one.

We're not having the freaking leprechaun debate

right now; We'll be here for hours.

Leprechauns are real.

Now, it's time for the rites of passage.

Finally.

Oh. Schmidt,

I present to you a new set of business cards.

All right.

So proud of you.

Okay.

That took a lot less time than I thought it would.

All right.

And now the donning

of the principal's blazer.

Oh, the principal's blazer.

I remember when you got that ten years ago

and promised you would never wear it

till you were actually principal.

Principal Day.

You okay? I don't think it fits.

No, no, you look great. Everything looks perfect to me.

Looks great. Are you okay, honey?

I'm okay.

It's the middle of the night.

Yeah, just making a few, uh, minor adjustments.

Have you seen my scissors?

Never mind. I have 32 seam rippers right here.

Are you okay?

It's gonna be fine.

Hey, Schmidt. Can I get a second opinion on something?

Oh, about your room? Reagan's right. You need to redecorate.

It looks like you live in an abandoned day care.

: That is not what an abandoned day care looks like.

You can trust me.

Hello?

Can I take a nap now?

Okay, we need to talk about that a lot more later.

I'm worried about Jess.

I think she is freaking out about work

and she's channeling all of it into her blazer.

She's got a real "cat in a bathtub" vibe.

Hey, guys!

I'm just blasting some Jock Jams,

getting my fashion on!

What's the problem? This is Jess at a six.

Sorry there, Jess. Mm-hmm.

Nick here says you're freaking out.

What's going on, girl?

I am so good.

I am "saw" good.

I am so "gawd." So "gawd."

We can't let her go to work on Monday like that.

Remember what I used to do for you in college

when you'd get nervous about exams?

What did I do for you? What was that thing called?

Boy ride! Rumspringa!

What? Rumspringa.

I said "Rumspringa."

So did I. No, you said "boy ride."

No, I said "Rumspringa." What's a boy ride, dude?

Rumspringa, boy ride. Boy ride saved my life.

I would be freaking out, and you would take me

on these wild adventures.

Bio exam?

Casino time. Yeah.

Intro to environmental feminism?

I remember. Corn maze.

That was the day we found out that corn is maize.

Do we take Jess on a little Rumspringa?

Can you just give me, like,

a five-minute warning before Rhonda gets here?

I'd like to be... not here.

Look, Rhonda shows up when Rhonda shows up.

I know. That's the problem.

There's nothing I hate more than women talking about

their rings in a high-pitched voice,

But, oh, my God,

I love my ring so much! I love it!

Aw.

I love that ring on your finger.

I just want to bite it off

and swallow it,

and then digest it properly.

And then give it back to you in a day and a half.

Oh, my God, I think I'm gonna cry.

You guys have such a weird dynamic.

Hello, Winston.

Hey, Rhonda.

You wanted to sign the divorce papers,

and-and I thought this was...

this was a good a time as any.

But I know it's a shock, but...

meet your son.

Oh, my God.

Um...

Now, you listen to me, baby.

My father walked out on me, and I swear

I will never do that to you.

That's so sweet.

You just got Rhonda'd.

Rhonda'd.

No...

Oh, my God!

Did you just prank me with a baby?

A human baby.

What the hell?

That is amazing! Oh, my God.

Oh, I can feel my heartbeat through the back of my head!

You just took years off my life!

You are the master!

Where'd that baby come from?

Oh, he came from Dave.

Who's Dave? Hi-yo!

Dave, take a bow.

Thank you. Uh, thank you.

This is my cousin.

I'm staying with him while I'm in town.

So he's your baby?

Oh, no.

I'm an obstetrician.

I just borrowed this little guy.

Rhonda, I'm Aly, Winston's fiancée.

It's so nice to meet you, I think.

All of us are coming down from this a little too quickly,

'cause what that guy did is a felony.

Congrats on your engagement.

- Thank you. - No one cares.

But you can't do it without... these.

Thank God.

They 'bout to be "soined"!

The end to one of my best pranks.

Oh, this feels good.

Yeah.

That's it.

That's it. All right.

Well, I better go.

I really hope you two are happy.

No prank.

So until we cross paths again...

Rhonda!

Rhonda.

She's a lot.

Understatement of the year.

She is, but, you know,

the good news is, is we never, ever

have to see her again.

Son of a bi...

She used disappearing ink.

What?

Girl pranked us.

I'm not doing anything!

I'm going to bed soon! Uh...