The Big Bang Theory

What the hell?

Emergency preparedness drill.

- Oh, no, come on! - Yeah, you know how it works.

Once a quarter, keep our readiness up.

Now, rise and shine, sleepy head.

Half the town is probably dead.

I have to get a lock for my door.

I think you'll like the drill tonight.

I've tried to make it fun.

Each of these cards

contains a detailed scenario of a possible apocalyptic event.

Everything from wild fires

to a surprise invasion by Canada.

Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe.

Sheldon, Canada is not going to invade California.

Yeah, really? You think those hippies

in Washington and Oregon can stop them?

Fine.

All righty!

"An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena,

"reducing mighty edifices to dust,

"engulfing the city in flames.

"The streets flow with blood

and echo with the cries of the wounded."

Oh, excellent choice.

Now, put on your hardhat and safety vest.

Oh, fun.

I get to spend another night in front of our apartment

dressed like one of the Village People.

You make that joke every three months.

I still don't get it.

Leonard... wait.

What are you doing?

I don't know, what am I doing?

Look around you--

there's hypothetical broken glass everywhere.

Really? You're going to face Armageddon

without your orthotics?

Your choice.

Uh-oh, hypothetical aftershock!

Aah!

And that's why we wear hardhats.

The Big Bang Theory 5x15 The Friendship Contraction Original Air Date on February 2, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Check it out-- press release

from NASA.

Um, "Expedition 31 will launch this spring

"to the International Space Station.

"Crew members will include Commander Tom 'Tombo' Johnson,

"Astronaut Mike 'Supernova' Novacelik

and Payload Specialist Howard Wolowitz."

This is going right into my synagogue's newsletter.

D-Dude, if you're going to be an astronaut,

you need to pick a cool nickname.

I don't get to pick it.

The other guys have to give it to me.

Oh. If I had one, it would be "Brown Dynamite."

Are you not listening to me?

The other astronauts have to give you your nickname.

Are you not looking at me?

I am Brown Dynamite.

Why do you put six sugars in your coffee?

Because the cafeteria doesn't offer

little packets of methamphetamine.

Emergency drill night last night, huh?

- Uh-huh. - How'd you do?

I'll tell you exactly how he did.

"Readiness: unsatisfactory.

"Follows direction: barely.

"Attitude: a little too much.

"Overall:

"not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno,

"his incessant whining would most certainly spoil

everyone else's day."

You know what, I can't even think straight.

I'm going home.

Will one of you guys give this nutbag a ride back later?

You can't go home.

You have to take me to the dentist at 4:00.

Oh... can't you take the bus to the dentist?

Of course I can. It's coming back,

under the residual effects of the anesthesia,

that's the problem.

Two years ago,

after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus

but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.

They put you under for a cleaning?

Yeah, they have to-- I'm a biter.

Whatever, Sheldon. I'm exhausted.

I'm not taking you to the dentist.

Wrong, sir.

Wrong. Under section 37-B of the Roommate Agreement--

"Miscellaneous Duties"-- you are obligated

to take me to the dentist.

See? It's right here after "providing a confirmation sniff

on questionable dairy products."

You know what, I am sick of the Roommate Agreement.

It's ridiculous.

I'm your roommate, not your chauffeur.

You know, I had better things to do yesterday

than drive you all the way to the "good" model train store

in Garden Grove because the one in Pasadena

has gotten "too big for its britches."

Well, it has.

Ask anybody.

I don't care.

I'm done.

Hold on.

Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?

I don't know what that is,

but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes.

Think carefully here.

Clause 209 suspends our friendship,

and strips down the Roommate Agreement to

its bare essentials.

Our responsibilities toward each other would

only be rent, utilities

and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition

as we pass in the hall.

'Sup?

Where do I sign?

Right here.

Use your finger.

There. Done. All right.

That's it. We are now no longer companions,

boon or otherwise.

We are not merely acquaintances.

To amend the words of Toy Story--

"You have not got a friend in me."

I'm gonna go home and take a nap.

Yeah, well, tell it to someone who cares.

I got pretty exciting NASA news today.

Next week I fly to Houston for orientation

and zero-gravity elimination drills.

What does that mean?

He's gonna learn to poop in space.

Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

Maybe your nickname should be "Brown Dynamite."

Hello, dear friends.

And Dr. Hofstadter.

'Sup?

'Sup?

My apologies.

I would've been here sooner,

but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.

I saved you a dumpling.

Oh, your concern for me is touching.

It will serve you well

when you take me to the dentist tomorrow.

I'm sorry, Sheldon, I'm busy.

I'm right in the middle of my addiction study.

I've got a lab full of alcoholic monkeys,

and tomorrow's the day we switch them to O'Doul's.

You're my girlfriend

and you're not going to cater to my every need?

Oh, where'd the magic go?

Sheldon, that's not what girlfriends are for.

Although, you don't use them for what they're for,

so what do I know?

Howard doesn't make me do his shopping

or take him to the dentist

or pick up his dry cleaning, right?

Absolutely.

But when Ma's hips give out, you're up, kid.

Well, if Amy's too busy, that gives the rest of you

an opportunity to make my life easier,

thus assuring yourselves

a footnote in my memoirs,

tentatively entitled You're Welcome, Mankind.

All right, then,

just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake.

Uh, dentist.

Okay, w-we can circle back to that one.

Um, well, who wants to take me Wednesday morning

to get new heels put on my dress shoes?

Anyone?

Oh. That one had hoot written all over it.

Um, all right, uh, dermatologist.

Allergist.

Podiatrist.

Supercuts?

Okay, okay, here's a fun one.

Um, I need a new picture frame

and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs.

Who wants to spend the day with me at IKEA?

Their meatballs are pretty good.

What's that?

Nothing, nothing.

Hello, Stuart.

Oh, hey, Sheldon.

Can I help you find something today?

No, no.

I was just sitting at home

thinking about how it might be nice to catch up

with my ninth favorite person.

Ninth?

You moved up one.

My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates.

So, uh... how are you?

Uh... not so good.