Der Rebell

Come on, come on, make the-

Oh, you-

You motherfucker, you!

You... You fucking...

You fucking-

You can't make a simple shot? Just put it in!

Oh, my man.

Hey, you shut your mouth, Carl.

Shut your fucking mouth. This fucking shit ain't funny.

This shit's hilarious, absolutely funny, look at you.

Getting your blood pressure all up for what?

'Cause you're losing your hard-earned money?

Why? 'Cause of a young rich brother

who can't hit a foul shot.

And you can't call him nigger 'cause I'm sitting at the bar!

Carl, shut up, I'm gonna get mad now, I'm serious.

Oh, don't get mad, Uncle Pete, you know I love you.

I'm just gonna laugh harder.

Yeah, the only part he got wrong

is that his money's hard-earned.

Yeah, get the phone, you fuck.

Horace & Pete's.

Yeah.

No, no, we don't.

You all right?

So far so good.

Why?

Nothing.

You want half this?

What bothers me is that women want to just ignore the fact

that there is some responsibility to the person

that's growing inside them. - I know, but imagine if you had

a guy growing in your stomach, you know?

It's not the greatest thing going on in your life.

Wouldn't you want to have some say

of whether or not you can get it out of there?

Yeah, but I don't have those parts, okay?

I wasn't born to have babies.

I didn't draw that straw.

At a certain point, isn't there an obligation

to live by what you are?

What you happen to be?

I mean, I know everybody's rights are the most important thing,

but does nature have any rights ahead of you?

Even when- Actually, especially when-

it comes to your own body?

Like, if I get cancer, I don't just go,

"Oh, well, it's my right not to have it,

so, just, cancer, get out."

You're a woman. You have a womb.

And if a sperm gets up there and fertilizes an egg,

you have the baby. Is that ever a thing?

I don't know, eyebrows.

Let's say I ate a meatball sub

and some chocolate and a bunch of cheese.

It's my right to eat some prunes, liquidate that shit

and piss it out of my asshole.

I don't have to pass it fucking solid.

Hey, that's my right. - Hey, hey, watch your mouth.

That's God's children

you're talking about there, you motherfucker.

No, it's not. I'm talking about a big,

hard shit Id' rather be diarrhea.

- Same thing. - It is?

You were making an analogy. Don't act stupid.

You're talking about these baby-killing broads.

So you think abortion is murder?

Think ain't any part of it. It is murder.

and it don't matter, because whoever does it,

the baby and the mother go straight to hell.

Wait, they both go to hell?

The mother because she's a murdering whore

and the baby because he ain't been baptized.

Well, at least they're together.

Yeah, that's right. That's kinda nice.

Well, it is a bit awkward.

She did try to kill the little guy.

Now they're together? Eww.

Yeah, but they're not together right away.

I mean, you don't just go, like, straight to hell.

I mean, you have to be dead, you know?

It's not like you commit a sin and then you go straight there.

You have to live your life and die first.

That's right, yeah. Then you get down there,

you're like, "What the Hell am I doing here?

"Oh, right. I had that abortion.

Fuck me."

Plus, a baby doesn't automatically go to hell

just because it ain't been baptized, so...

Man: So where does it go?

Well, it used to go to limbo, but that's been disbanded.

Not disbanded, um...

Nullified, by the church.

That's what I don't get.

So the church just decides what goes on in heaven and hell.

So all these aborted babies are just in limbo,

then the pope makes a declaration

and then what- Like, an angel goes,

"Okay, uh, listen up, you damned babies.

"Limbo's closing.

"We no longer exist in the church's fucked up imagination,

so kindly, single file line into those buses to hell."

That's what you're telling me?

All right, well, so where do the babies go now?

Is it purgatory?

Nah, purgatory's different.

That's- That's where they weigh your sins.

It's like, uh, triage for the afterlife.

No, the kid goes to hell.

That's it, just like the scumbag mother,

whenever the fuck she dies.

Yeah, but it's not a kid if it's aborted.

It's- It's a fetus.

I mean, it could be that big.

So are you saying there's a bunch of aborted fetuses

all over the place in hell?

People are just stepping on 'em, like, oh!

It's like hell's version of dog shit.

It's not- It's their souls, you dumb fucks.

You don't get it.

It's not- not real, like- like real is real, there's...

When you die, you're just your idea of yourself.

You don't take your fucking face and your arms

and your legs and your torso down to hell.

It's just your soul that goes

and it gets fucked in the ass forever.

I wonder if God was a baby.

What if he was aborted. Where would we be then?

Wait a minute, who would have been around to abort God?

God's mother's doctor.

You think God was the first rape baby?

No, that would be Jesus.

You know, you're making my point for me.

Abortion is murder, it ain't up for debate.

That's it. It's a sin, it's a sin, Pete.

All right? - Okay, it's a sin.

Um... Do any of you have any interest in what a woman

has to say about this?

Like, I know you're all doing super fine without me,

but just- Are you maybe curious, at all?

Not really.

You know what? I actually am a little curious.

What are your thoughts on this?

You white knight fuck.

Hey, what the hell does that mean?

You don't care what she thinks.

You're just trying to white knight so you can fuck her.

That's not true, we're talking about a woman's issue.

I'd like to hear a woman's point of view.

It's not a woman's point of view if the baby's a boy.

We're talking about a woman's body.

She has the right to choose what to do with it.

Yeah, and inside of that body, there's the baby's body,

and that's the body we're talking about.

- But it's inside the woman. - She doesn't even come into it.

It's inside a woman's body. That's her call.

Yeah, fine, it's not any less alive.

'Cause she's the baby house.

Hey, you know, Ralph's is closing.

Ralph's on Atlantic?

Yeah, the guy who's in there now, I think his name is Abel,

he had a heart attack,

and I think one of those Hasids from Williamsburg

bought the building he's in

and he's missing this month's rent, so he's out.

That's cold.

That's life.

But I was thinking that they probably have

a lot of shit there that we can use,

you know, chairs and stuff.

Chairs?

Well, half our chairs are shot.

You know, so we could pick some up for cheap

and some bar hardware, other stuff.

Okay.

- Okay? - Yeah, fine.

All right, fine. How about...

How about, "That's a good idea, Pete."

I mean, how hard is that?

What's the matter?

You all right?

Are you crying?

No.

Hey, I know both you old ladies are retired now,

but you feel like doing some work?

Both my kegs are empty and they need to be changed downstairs.

Yeah, I'll get it, I'll get it.

What's wrong with her?

Nothing, she's- He's all right.

Hey, what are you, down in the dumps or something?

What's wrong with you? - There's nothing wrong with me.

How long's he been acting like this?

I don't know. Just, today.

I know what's wrong here. This guy needs to get laid.

What's the last time you got laid, Horace?

Well, he kicked Rachel out a month ago.

Probably since then. - There, you see?

You see, you got all that cum backed up to your brain.

That's why you're- That's why you're all depressed like this.

Am I right?