Jeff Foxworthy: The Joke's On Me

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- thank you so much. Thank you.

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The moment a comedian finishes a special

Can only be celebrated briefly

Because of the realization

That the cupboard is once again bare

And it's gonna take years to fill it up again.

I'm not saying this so anybody will feel sorry for us.

I'm telling you this as a love letter to comedians

Because when you watch a comedy special,

You're watching the harvest of years of hard work.

There's no formula, there's no textbook.

It's just trial and error

And the joyful grind.

But for those that are willing to put in the work,

The payoff makes it all worthwhile.

- ladies and gentlemen,

Please welcome to the stage jeff foxworthy.

- You never have to get a real job.

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Wow.

Thank you.

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Thank you very much.

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Too kind. Thank you so much.

That is awesome.

Everybody doing good?

yep.

- Well, we gotta start this somewhere.

This is as good as any place.

So y'all, this has happened to me

Like 12 times in the last two or three months

And it happened again Saturday.

I'm in the airport. I'm in the airport a lot.

Lady comes up to me, she goes, "excuse me."

She goes, "do you know who you look like?"

And I said, "I think so."

And she said, "sam elliott."

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Which I guess if you have to look like somebody,

You could do a lot worse, right?

The ladies, ladies like sam.

She could have said danny devito or something,

But it, I think it's, I never used to get that.

I think it's the gray hair and the gray mustache

And the fact that I walk around

And say, "coors, the banquet beer."

Might have something to do with it.

But I'm good with that. I'm cool with that.

The only thing that bothers me is I'm 67

And sam is 82 years old, so.

Maybe I need to moisturize or something, but.

And if he was here tonight, he would tell you

Both of us have passed the apex of our splendor.

It's a new season of life

But I love this season of life.

This is my favorite season of life ever.

And I tell my kids that all the time.

I said, I miss my 30-year-old body,

But boy, I would not trade my 67-year-old

Mind and soul to get it back.

I love this season of life.

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And you do, when you get to this age,

You do for the first time you start thinking about

What might lie ahead.

And science has taught us this.

Like, we know now if you eat junk food

And you sit in the recliner

And you watch tv, what's going to happen to you?

You're gonna die, right?

Conversely, if you will eat healthy

And work out every day, you're going to die.

You just get a few years tacked on at the end

And I have seen the years that get tacked on at the end

And it ain't a great advertisement for it.

You got the wheelchair posse

In the lobby of the nursing home.

Everybody looks like they're about to get their teeth clean.

They're like.

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And you know, they're thinking,

I ate kale and bean sprouts for this.

Yeah, extended checkout is great at a hotel,

Not so much in life, man.

And you know they don't want to be that way

And they'll tell you that.

They're like, "man, I don't wanna be a burden."

And usually by the time they say the word burden,

You're so far past burden,

You can't see it in the rear view mirror, you know?

But they're like, "oh honey, I'm sorry I'm such a burden."

Like, "mama, you not a burden."

Now, lean over just a little bit so I can wipe your ass.

And you know how to tell when somebody has been a burden

Is when they pass away,

When you see their relatives at the funeral home

And you go up to them and go,

"oh, we're so sorry about your mother."

And they go, "it was a blessing."

Oh, was it a blessing.

B-l-e-s-s-I-n-g. Blessing.

Listen, after the service,

If y'all like to come back to the house,

We're gonna have a little food

And a dj and some fireworks.

So hopefully I got a few years

Before I have to worry about that.

And in the meantime, I'm just trying to age gracefully,

You know, be age appropriate

'cause a lot of people do not age gracefully.

A lot of people fight it like crazy,

Like with cosmetic surgery.

Now I have a cousin, y'all.

I don't know what she has done to her lips.

Her lips look like the business end of a plunger.

Seriously, like you could push her face

Against the sliding glass door

And she couldn't get off, you know?

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And she has had so many facelift,

Her face is stretched so tight,

Her ears are on the back of her head

And you can't sneak up on her.

It's impossible.

Out of all the procedures she's had,

This is the craziest one though.

She, at the age of 60 for her 60th birthday,

Her husband bought her a boob job

And they got their money's worth.

She did not puff up the empty mittens.

I mean these things are zeppelins.

Like, you know how some women will stick their cell phone

In their cleavage, she puts her laptop in there.

And I'm like, you know,

I don't care if somebody gets a boob job.

I'm just thinking if you were going to do it,

Why wait till you're 60?

That's like building a giant deck

Onto a condemned house.

Some people just get mad about getting older.

I had an uncle joe that was like that.

It just made him mad that he was old.

And a few years ago at thanksgiving

He announced to the table, he goes, "listen."

He goes, "before y'all put me in a nursing home,

I'd rather you just kill me.

Take me out in the woods,

Make it look like a hunting accident."

What?

Like the detective's not gonna be out there going,

"so will somebody explain to me

How he got into the deer staying in a wheelchair?"

But god bless my cousins.

When it came time to put him in a home, they didn't do it.

Nope, they just all flew to Spain

And let him run with the bulls.

Boy, he was in the chair.

It was more like rolling with the bulls,

But they didn't have to commit murder

And he went out tiktok famous so everybody was happy, so.

And some people just surrender to it.

They don't fight it at all.

We've all seen those people that

They they're walking down the driveway

To go get the mail wearing nothing

But a pair of boxer shorts

And their kids are running out of the house going,

"mother, come back in here!"

Hell, some people get so desperate to look young and cool,

They agree to do another comedy special, that that.

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Crazy.

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This is a different kind of show tonight.

So, you're gonna be glad you came eventually.

So, what I'm doing, I got a couple of people that offered me

To do another comedy special

And I said, "how long do you want it?"