Alienators

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

I'M MITCH STOVER, INTERNATIONAL DIRECTOR

OF THE CIVILIAN DEPARTMENT OF UFOLOGY.

WELL, AFTER THE AIR FORCE TERMINATED THE PROJECT BLUE BOOK,

THERE WAS NO FORMAL GROUP DEDICATED TO THE ALIEN AND UFO PHENOMENON.

SO IN SEPTEMBER, 1970,

I FORMED THE CIVILIAN DEPARTMENT OF UFOLOGY,

A PRIVATELY-OWNED AND OPERATED

UFO RESEARCH AND INVESTIGATION ORGANIZATION.

THE C.D.U. RECEIVES OVER 5,000 UFO REPORTS A YEAR.

90% OF THEM ARE MISIDENTIFIED NATURAL PHENOMENON,

MAN-MADE ACTIVITIES, OR CLEVER HOAXES.

10% OF THEM ARE UNEXPLAINED,

AND THAT'S WHERE OUR UFOLOGISTS COME IN.

TYPICALLY THEY WILL HAVE A BACKGROUND IN MATH, SCIENCE, OR PSYCHOLOGY,

AS WELL AS A PROFOUND DESIRE TO VOLUNTEER THEIR TIME

TO INVESTIGATE UFO REPORTS.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

VIC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU KNOW YOU COULD GET ARRESTED FOR THAT.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE, SKOT?

WHOO!

COME ON.

UNBELIEVABLE.

WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY?

UH, MY NAME IS SKOT WIMBY,

AND I WAS THE INVESTIGATOR TRAINEE

UNDER VIC VAN SINGE

ON CASE NUMBER CA-163115,

OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE SKYFOREST INCIDENT.

OKAY, SO TELL ME ABOUT VIC SINGE.

OH, YEAH, WELL, VIC IS, UM...

HE'S A VERY INTERESTING GUY.

AND, UH, YOU KNOW, HE, UM, WELL...

WE'RE ACTUALLY FRIENDS NOW.

-OOH. -

CALL CIVILIAN DEPARTMENT OF UFOLOGY.

- - CALLING CIVILIAN DEPARTMENT OF UFOLOGY.

YES, HI. MY NAME IS SKOT WIMBY,

I'M A TRAINEE WITH YOUR ORGANIZATION.

COULD YOU LOOK UP VIC SINGE, AND-- SINGE.

COULD YOU TELL ME IF HE'S A REGISTERED UFOLOGIST WITH YOU GUYS OR NOT?

HE IS. OKAY, GOOD.

WELL, HAS HE EVER BEEN ARRESTED FOR ANYTHING?

WELL, I'M DOCUMENTING A CASE WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO INVESTIGATE,

AND I ASKED HIM TO PULL OVER SO I COULD GET SOME B-ROLL SHOTS,

AND AS SOON AS I GOT OUT OF THE CAR, HE JUST TOOK OFF!

I, UH, FIRST BECAME AWARE OF MR. SINGE

ABOUT EIGHT YEARS AGO

WHEN IT WAS BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION THAT A NEW MEMBER HAD TAKEN THE UFOLOGIST EXAM

FIVE TIMES BEFORE FINALLY PASSING IT.

IS THAT UNUSUAL?

IT'S AN OPEN-BOOK EXAM YOU TAKE AT HOME.

OKAY, WELL, IT'S BEEN ALMOST AN HOUR.

UM, I'D BETTER CALL A CAB BEFORE MY BATTERY DIES.

- -OH, WAIT, THERE HE IS!

OKAY, I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I GET TO THE CLIENT'S HOUSE.

BYE, MOM.

HI, HONEY, I'M HOME!

HOW DID VIC SINGE END UP WITH THE SKYFOREST CASE?

UH, WELL, HE CERTAINLY WASN'T MY FIRST CHOICE FOR THE CASE--

ANY CASE, REALLY.

BUT THE C.D.U. 24-HOUR HOTLINE

RANDOMLY SELECTS FROM A LIST OF INVESTIGATORS

THAT HAVE VOLUNTEERED TO TAKE UFO REPORTS AFTER HOURS.

REGRETTABLY...

MR. SINGE WAS ON THAT LIST.

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?

HI, YES, IS THIS THE UFO HOTLINE?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

00 IN THE GODDAMN MORNING.

IT'S BEEN COMING AROUND FOR THE PAST FEW MONTHS

-WATCHING ME. - WHAT?

THE THING, THE UFO.

I'M LOOKING AT IT THROUGH MY WINDOW RIGHT NOW.

LADY, IF YOU THINK THERE'S A UFO OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW,

WHY AREN'T YOU VIDEOTAPING THE FUCKING THING?

I DON'T OWN A VIDEO CAMERA.

YOU'VE HAD A UFO WATCHING YOU FOR MONTHS,

AN OPPORTUNITY THAT COULD HAVE EARTH-SHATTERING HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE,

AND YOU DON'T OWN A GODDAMN VIDEO CAMERA?

I DON'T WANT TO VIDEOTAPE THE DAMN THING.

-I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY. - OH, CHRIST.

PLEASE, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME.

I'VE TRIED CALLING THE POLICE,

BUT THEY WON'T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.

- NO SHIT. -

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF HOTLINE IS THIS?

ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME OR NOT?

OH, CHRIST. HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?

EXCUSE ME?

ARE YOU THIN, FAT, WHAT? COME ON.

WELL, THIN TO AVERAGE, I GUESS. WHY?

OH, GOD.

OKAY, FUCK IT. WHAT'S YOUR ADDRESS?

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

OKAY, I GOT IT.

YOU CAN COME BACK AND GET ME NOW.

- -COME ON!

OH, SURPRISE. HE ACTUALLY CAME BACK.

OH, LOOKS GOOD, VIC.

BUT CAN YOU PULL UP JUST A LITTLE BIT FURTHER?

OH, OH, OH, OH! TOO FAR, TOO FAR, TOO FAR.

OKAY, BACK UP, BACK UP.

NEVER MIND.

THIS GUY'S IMPOSSIBLE TO WORK WITH.

HELLO. SKOT WIMBY VIDEO DIARY

FOR THE CIVILIAN DEPARTMENT OF UFOLOGY,

CASE NUMBER CA-163115,

LOCATION-- SKYFOREST, CALIFORNIA.

LEAD UFOLOGIST IS VIC VAN SINGE,

AND I, SKOT WIMBY, WILL BE DOUBLING AS THE UFOLOGIST TRAINEE

SLASH TECH MANAGER.

NOW WE'RE HERE AT THE CLIENT'S HOUSE,

JESSA GWILLIAMS,

WHO-- SHE CLAIMS THAT UFOS HAVE BEEN WATCHING HER

FOR THE PAST SEVERAL MONTHS,

-AND WE PLAN TO-- -

OH, OKAY, I GOTTA GO.

I'LL TALK TO YOU SOON. OKAY, BYE.

OH, JESUS. OH, FUCK.

HELLO? MRS. UH-- FUCK, WHAT WAS IT?

-MRS. UH... - GWILLIAMS. JESSA GWILLIAMS.

RIGHT, YEAH. MRS. WILLIAMS? MRS. WILLIAMS?

-HELLO? - IT'S GWILLIAMS.

-MISS GWILLIAMS. -HUH?

MY LAST NAME IS GWILLIAMS WITH A "G"

-AND I'M NOT MARRIED. -OKAY, YEAH.

I DON'T REALLY GIVE A FUCK.

I'M WITH THE C.D.U. WE TALKED ON THE PHONE.

COULD YOU TAKE OFF YOUR SUNGLASSES?

-WHAT? - YOUR SUNGLASSES. I DON'T LIKE THEM.

-CAN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? -IS SHE FUCKING SERIOUS?

THERE, HAPPY?

AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PUT OUT THAT CIGARETTE, TOO.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT, LADY? IT'S BEEN A LONG-ASS DRIVE

AND I REALLY NEED TO TAKE A SHIT,

SO EITHER OPEN UP THE GODDAMN DOOR

AND LET ME USE YOUR FUCKING TOILET,

OR I'LL EVISCERATE YOUR LITTLE FLOWER PATCH,

GET IN MY FUCKING CAR, AND LEAVE.

WHAT'LL IT BE?

- VIC, COME ON. -SHUT THE FUCK UP.

- -THAT'S A GIRL.

-YEAH. -HEY, NO, NO. I NEED SOME ID.

I AM THIS CLOSE TO COMMITTING A FUCKING HATE CRIME.

GODDAMMIT.

FUCKING DOESN'T ANYBODY TRUST A FUCKING...

THERE YOU GO.

YEAH. ARE YOU FUCKING DRUNK?

-NO. -OKAY, SO WE'VE ESTABLISHED

OUR CLIENT'S A FUCKING LIAR.

-I AM NOT A LIAR. -BULLSHIT.

-GET OUT OF MY WAY. - VIC!

LIKE IT SAYS ON THE CARD-- SINGE, VIC SINGE.

THIS GUY HERE, HE'S, UH...

-WHAT THE FUCK'S YOUR NAME? -UH, SKOT.

YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT. SKOT WIMPY.

HE'S MY MILDLY-AUTISTIC INVESTIGATOR TRAINEE.

WIM-BY. SKOT WIMBY.

-NICE TO MEET YOU. -OKAY, LISTEN UP, EVERYBODY.

I'M ABOUT TO LAY A MOUNTAIN OF TOXICITY IN HERE.

SO NOBODY LIGHT A MATCH FOR THE NEXT 45 MINUTES.

WHEN I'M DONE, I WANT TO SEE ALL

YOUR LITTLE FUCKING EVIDENCE, OKAY, BABE?

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

OH, OKAY.

HERE'S MY ID.

THIS IS FUCKING GORGEOUS. YOU LANDSCAPE THIS YOURSELF?

NOTHING'S GROWN HERE IN A WHILE.

I MEAN, AT LEAST NOT SINCE I FIRST SAW THE... YOU KNOW.

- THE UFO. -YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, WHATEVER.

SO THEY WATCH YOU. WHAT ELSE?

WELL, THE LAST TIME I SAW IT, I WAS, UM--

I WAS LOOKING OUT THAT WINDOW

OVER THERE AND IT WAS RIGHT HERE.

YEAH, IS IT THE SAME UFO THAT'S WATCHING YOU EVERY TIME?

YEAH, IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME ONE.

WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?

YOU KNOW, IT'S BIG AND IT'S BLACK.

SO'S MY FUCKING COCK. WHAT ELSE?

-I DON'T KNOW. -OKAY, DID YOU SEE THE GODDAMN THING?

YES, I SAW IT. IT HAS, UM, LIKE A--

IT HAS A BLUE LIGHT THAT SORT OF SPINS AROUND THE MIDDLE,

AND IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE A HAT.

YOU KNOW, LIKE ONE OF THOSE BOWLER HATS?

-A FUCKING HAT. -YEAH.

THAT'S THE BEST DESCRIPTION YOUR LIMITED VOCABULARY CAN COME UP WITH?

WOW, YOU GETTING THIS?

WELL, IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A PLANE

OR A BLIMP OR A BALLOON

OR ANYTHING ELSE I'VE EVER SEEN BEFORE, YOU JERK.

-WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? -

THIS? OH, IT MEASURES UNCOMMON

OR ANOMALOUS ENERGY SIGNATURES.

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY NEWEST INVENTION.

THIS DEVICE CAN DISTINGUISH COMMON FORMS OF ENERGY

FOUND HERE ON EARTH FROM MORE UNCOMMON SIGNATURES