Silent Bite

Merry Christmas!

KQNY3.

Upstate New York Radio.

This is Randy McChatten,..

...with more news and weather updates.

But first, it's the holiday season.

Looking for that perfect stocking stuffer?

Well, today's show is brought to you by...

Snake Bite Cologne, from Eccentrip.

Put a little bite in your bark.

Tonight's forecast, snow, snow, and lots more snow.

Bundle up, stay warm,..

...and get ready for some serious winter.

Details still coming in, but early reports confirm,..

...five men robbed the Wisconsin County Bank and Trust...

...at 3:35 this afternoon.

At gunpoint, they held locals and staff hostage...

...for about 90 seconds,..

...before speeding away in a four by four Jeep style vehicle.

Police and mayor's office offering a $50,000 reward...

...for any information that may lead to an arrest.

Police are investigating links...

...that the clearly foreign team of armed robbers...

...had help from somewhere in this small and peaceful town,..

...as they seemed focused and knowledgeable about...

...local procedures and security protocols...

...on the inner workings of the bank.

Police are referring to them as the "Santa Hat Bandits".

They're dressed in the Santa Claus attire,..

...and said to be armed and extremely dangerous.

This broadcast is brought to you by...

...Mr. Beaver's Hardware Store.

For all your home improvement and gardening needs.

Checking in.

And don't forget to celebrate Christmas...

Right.

Yes.

Uh, you're...

Well...

Uh, wat name is the reservation under?

Scrooge.

Of course.

Ah.

Yeah, I have you here.

You're a day late.

I assume you need our IDs and credit cards...

...for incidentals.

Well, yeah. Normally we like to have...

I'm joking.

Where's the room?

Oh.

Of course.

It's down here.

Is now a good time to ask for the Wi-Fi?

Or hardwire connection ethernet?

Okay, forget it.

It's this way.

Oh, what the fuck is this?

I'd love a drink.

Take this.

Where's our rooms?

Uh, Mr. Scrooge reserved a room...

...that you wouldn't be disturbed in.

Something larger.

Not for five.

Yeah, our fifth man is on the way.

He'll be here.

Yes, but you can't have five in the room.

It's against the fire regulations.

Yeah.

God forbid we do anything illegal, aye, boys?

Why can't we have a room each?

Well, you can.

That you can't. We're staying together.

Okay? We arrive together, and we're gonna leave together.

That's the plan, Grinch.

I want to take a shower, and a shit.

And jerk off and relax.

And I can't do that with Blake staring at me...

...like a lost puppy.

They said that we'd use our code names.

I'm Prancer.

Shut it, Blake.

I didn't hear that.

Uh, I can get you some more bedding, sir.

Can you give me a sponge bath too?

Stop.

This is fine. Thank you.

And please, help yourself.

Yeah, way ahead of you, pal.

Uh, anything else?

Food.

No, we're fine.

Who's got a knife?

Yeah, mate.

Right here.

You want it?

Bloody hell, you're not Rambo.

It's a knife, mate.

We gotta talk.

Right.

We're not to be disturbed, at all.

Yes, sir.

Night.

I am hungry.

Is there anything behind the bar he can eat?

Yeah, peanuts.

And we're not paying peanuts,..

...so stop acting like a monkey.

Settle down!

Fine.

I'll just waste away here.

Aku...

I actually have an extra protein bar.

I thought I told you to shut up.

I don't want your protein bar.

Okay.

Prancer.

Set up the radio.

Right. On it.

See if anybody's coming our way.

Grinch, make yourself useful.

Do the walk around, place the sensors.

Snowman! Stop drinking.

And do the weapons check.

And everybody, before you do anything else, strip.

Oh, I knew it was gonna be that kind of party.

What the hell are you so happy about?

Beer?

Yeah.

Too right, beer.

And $1 million richer!

No wonder you got the code name "Grinch".

Hey, you said that was because I stole Christmas!

Yeah, it was.

That's what I believe what happened. Yeah.

Well, I want a new code name.

No, we're not switching.

You got the names you got, and we're sticking with them.

Well, that's okay for you, Father Christmas.

I like Prancer.

Shut it, Blake!

Why can't I be Snowman?

Snowman is cool.

Like he's some ice cold hitman.

So why the fuck does Dumbo get that name?

Fuck.

I don't know why he got the name he got. He just did.

Well, no switching names!

End of discussion.

Whatever.

Let's just get this over with, huh?

I got a wife and a dog I gotta get home to.

Lucky bitches.

What'd you say?

Oh my God. Stop!

Hey!

Everybody shut up and strip.

Now!

Come on. Let's go!

Go on then.

This belt!

God, I love Christmas.

Hey, what the fuck, Santa?

Ooh.

Why don't you guys go out back...

...and jingle each other's balls?

That's a cool costume.

It's more of a uniform, really.

Oh, right. Right.

I can see that.

Look, can we hurry this along?

I got a lot of places I gotta be tonight.

You're killing me.

Seriously.

Hurry up.

Okay.

Okay. It's 19.28 for the gas.

Merry Christmas.

911. What's your emergency?

Hai, this is Becky over at Islands Gas.

Okay. I have your location pulled up.

What's your emergency?

Yeah, I don't know if this is an emergency or not,..

...but Santa came in here and...

Yeah, I think he killed someone for sure.

All right, ma'am.

I've got the police on the way.

They're here.

Thank you for joining us out there.

We're playing all of the Christmas hits...

...from yesteryear and today.

Now we go to Debra for the weather.

Uh, yes, Ted.

It's a frosty 12 degrees outside, so,..

...keep those chestnuts roasting on the open fire,..

...or else you'll get some frostbite in some unexpected places.

Well, that would be mildly inconvenient.

That's probably why I'm wearing four pairs of pants tonight.

Bad dreams?