Harley Quinn

My fellow Americans, it's been decades

since Gotham City once exemplified American prosperity.

But one week ago, it hit the point of no return

when the Joker seized control

and instituted martial law.

Last night,

his base of operations, the Joker Tower,

came crashing to the ground,

triggering an 8.6 earthquake that leveled the city.

Sadly, Gotham is beyond saving.

So it is with a heavy heart

that I hereby declare that Gotham City

is no longer part of the United States.

It is civitas non grata.

God bless the United States of America,

and God help Gotham City.

Fuck yeah!

Honk honk, motherfuckers!

Home, sweet home.

Good job, my little baby drivers.

I got a treat for ya.

Now, Bud and Lou, don't you fight.

There's one for each of ya.

And for my big babies,

I brought dinner!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Those beasts get steak

and we gotta eat this guy?

Are we living in a mall or a zoo?

I like to think of it as both now.

No, we're not eating him.

This is Takashi, a sushi chef.

He's got a Michelin star!

I gotta admit,

I was excited to eat a person,

especially since I already had sushi,

but I guess it's fine.

Come here!

Takashi, would it be gauche to ask for a spider roll,

or are you strictly omakase?

Ive, are you not jazzed about sushi?

No, no. I mean, I like Takashi's hand rolls

as much as the next gal,

but don't you think it's time

to kinda like wrap up this party up?

You know, it's been three weeks

since you took down Joker.

There's no Legion of Doom.

No Batman.

Gotham is yours for the taking.

I am having a blast!

This is what I've always wanted, Ive.

Anarchy and sushi!

Yeah, I mean, you definitely could've had better sushi

when Gotham had refrigeration

and free trade with the rest of America, but...

Is this a bird?

Trust me. Seriously,

you're gonna be kicking yourself

if you don't take charge.

Ive, the best part of living in an apocalyptic wasteland

is no one's in charge.

Whoo!

It's chaos, baby!

It's like 'Nam after the U.S. pulled out.

I don't think it's exactly like that.

But it is pretty awesome.

Hey! You're on Penguin turf.

Get the hell outta here.

The hell ya talking 'bout?

Penguin called dibs on the mall.

Uh, we've been chilling at the mall for, like, ever!

And dibs? There's no dibs.

The city's in ruins, idiot.

It's a post-dibs world.

Nobody owns nothing.

Except for me!

I own this mall.

It's chaos, baby!

It's like 'Nam after the U.S. pulled out.

Stop, stop, stop!

No flashbacks.

So you go back to the Penguin

and tell him to go screw himself.

Hey, Takashi.

Can you incorporate this into a rainbow roll?

Light on the rice.

I'm watching my figure.

Harley, this is what's going to happen

if you don't take control.

Every one of these assholes has an army of goons

that they're just gonna keep sending until they take over the city.

I think you may be catastrophizing.

Hey! You're on Two-Face's turf.

Don't make that face at me.

Fine, I'll deal with it.

Listen up, goons!

Excuse me, I identify as a hench.

Listen up, goons and henches,

the world we know has ended.

The Justice League is kaput, the Legion of Doom is doomed,

and Joker's had his last laugh.

This is our chance to even the playing field.

You! Who do you work for?

The Riddler. Obviously.

Seriously? Two-Face. Come on.

But why?

What have those assholes ever done for you?

Joker treated me like shit,

until I decided I'd had enough

and took him down.

And look at me now.

It is time to rise up!

Everyone should be their own villain.

Don't work for the Penguin,

be the Penguin.

Over here, the hench...

I've got a two part question for ya.

Are you saying we should become the Penguin,

or that we should do stuff like him?

Up to you, goo...

...hench.

This is New Gotham.

The power isn't held by the few,

it's up for grabs.

So everyone should go get some.

Everybody on the floor!

No, yous get on the floor.

Phil, the fuck is going on?

Hi. Hey, I'm Steven,

I'm the shift manager.

Uh, are we being robbed, or are you?

Plus also, the bank was just robbed 15 minutes ago

by someone who said he was, quote,

"Penguin like."

Two-Face double crossed by his own goo--

Citizens of New Gotham, riddle me this...

Citizens of New Gotham...

Craig? What the hell are you doing?

Who is this Craig you speak of?

I am the Inquizitor-or-or--

Craig, get off the air!

Here's a quizzy quiz.

Who's not my boss anymore?

You!

We're cutting in live from Penguin's casino

and looks like I'm the big winner today.

Come and get it, New Gotham!

Are we all here?

We're missing one.

Your door is inoperable.

It's a pull!

Uh... My bad.

This guy... Gentlemen,

thank you for coming.

Let me cut to the chase.

Harley Quinn's goon rebellion

...is destroying our way of life.

Stupid coffee machine!

It's impossible to figure out!

We need goons!

Well... well, I loosened it up.

Can I ask you a serious question?

Why are you so stupid?

Incredibly, Bane is right.

Not about the coffee maker, but we need goons!

Now they all think they're us.

If everyone's a villain, then no one is.

And we need to get them back in line.

We need structure. Right fellas?

We can't run organized crime...

Uh... I'm not in organized crime.

I'm actually trying to find a cure

for my wife's terminal illness.

And how are you funding that?

Uh. Through organized crime.

Exactly... which we can't do with Harley leading this insurrection!

We need to get her on board and get our goons back!

Uh... one note, one small note.

Maybe we should have invited her to this?

What? Shut it, Bane.

Come on, come on. I know you're out there, buddy.

Robin?

No! This is the Bat-Signal, not the Robin-Signal.

Get out of here! Shoo, shoo!

Will you stop shooing me!

Batman is missing.

What?

He was in the Joker Tower when it fell...

And I haven't heard from him since.

Oh, my God!

Did you try texting him?

Of course I tried texting him.

What am I, 40?

Course! Could...

you share that contact info with me?

Yeah. He wouldn't like that.

Plus that would mean you have my info, too.

C'mon! The city's falling apart!

We need Batman, damn it! Whoa, whoa...