Big Shot's Funeral (The Funeral of the Famous Star / Da wan)

Do you know who Tyler is?

Yeah. He's a da waar director.

What's a da waar?

A big shot.

Did you know he's in China?

Yeah. He's remaking The Last Emperor.

What's wrong with your nose?

Don't be nervous.

You're not auditioning for a part.

What's your name?

Yo Yo.

I used to be a cameraman.

As fast as you can, load the film and start shooting.

You sure are pretty.

Who are you?

You may call me Lucy. I'm Tyler's assistant.

What's the job?

To shoot a "making of" documentary.

This is an important film about one of the world's greatest directors.

Why not hire an American?

Why not cut the 20 questions?

Do you speak English?

No.

Good. You won't need it.

Look over this contract.

We'll notify you tomorrow.

You pay me how much "mar-nee"?

Not "mar-nee." It's "money."

Then what's "mar-nee"?

Money.

My pronunciation sucks but you understand?

You will shoot everything.

Wherever he goes, you go.

It's 24-7. Mind your own business.

No talking to the press.

You are just a pair of eyeballs.

Just recording events.

You have no copyright, no final cut and no creative control.

The last thing we need is your creativity.

Do I have the right to quit?

Only if we say so.

It's a boy!

A perfect little baby.

Attention!

Everybody sit down!

Yo Yo, do you think the emperor was a tragic figure?

No. He had all these beautiful babes.

A different one every night, all state-subsidized.

I've only had one, who divorced me.

I'm a tragic figure. Tell him exactly what I said.

Good. Very good!

No money, no woman. That's a tragedy.

I also "I love you" too!

Stand up!

What are you doing?

Following orders. What are you doing?

Trying to finish this movie, not stroke his ego!

What?

If the director isn't ready, the film will be crap.

You... Here... Not clear...

No good, movie also no good.

Money. You're wasting your time.

- I love you. - I love you, I love you, I love you.

It's a wrap!

Should he kill him?

The Buddhist believe every cause there must be an effect.

I need to reload.

What does Jing Jie mean?

I don't know how to translate it.

"The level one can attain."

Could you be more specific?

$20 and I'll tell you.

Why are you treating me this way?

What, are we friends now?

I'm just an employee.

Just a pair of eyeballs, remember?

Over there.

This is you. This is me.

This is Tyler and this is Buddha.

You can see this far. I can see this far.

Tyler can see this far.

And Buddha can see for eternity.

That's Jing Jie.

Buddha is the highest,

then Tyler,

then me, then you.

Like the saying, "A rat can't see past her nose."

Consider that a freebie.

I'll give you a freebie too.

- What's that mean? - Go to hell!

Do you believe in reincarnation?

Nope. It's all a big hoax.

After you die, that's all she wrote.

He's depressed.

Can't you say something more cheerful?

We Chinese have a saying.

"If this life is bad, it doesn't matter.

The next life will be better."

A happy funeral. How do you say "funeral"?

Pay up.

What are you trying to say?

I'm trying to say:

If a person dies after 70,

it's a "happy death."

A comedy.

"Funeral."

It's ok.

No problem! I'm waiting for your news.

Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?

Hello? Hello? Somebody help!

Somebody help!

My bag.

I just wanted my bag and helmet.

Hey, man. Thanks.

Be cool!

Comedy funeral! A comedy funeral, no problem!

Help!

Is this his will?

You're responsible for his funeral.

Princess Diana's casket...

is adorned by flowers from her sons...

and a handwritten card from her mother.

Thousand of mourners line the route...

Over here!

Out drinking again?

Yellow hair doesn't suit you.

- You should dye it red. - Why?

You look inbred.

You disappear for five years!

Now there's some big mystery!

I'll tell you.

But only if you promise to keep it a secret.

Just because I drive a Cadillac, doesn't mean I'm rich.

Concerts rely on sponsors.

I don't make a cent off the box office.

And no fires or floods this year.

So no benefit concerts to profit from others' suffering.

You bonehead!

I don't need your money. I've got a big job for you.

I don't have any to give you anyway!

On the way over, I thought:

"If he needs 20,000, I'll just give him 2,000."

My treat.

So, what's up?

You're a big time promoter, right?

I'm the best.

How about a funeral?

A funeral?

If we're talking John Doe, forget it.

But, say, that Russian sub...

- What's it called? - The Kursk.

Right, the Kursk. Now that's a show!

I'd definitely be able to pull it off.

Center stage. A huge replica of the ill-fated sub.

Top models strutting back and forth in sexy navy outfits.

We'll get Celine Dion to sing "My Love Will Go On."

Really! Why didn't I think of this before?

I'm being serious.

- All right. Whose funeral? - Someone in the arts.

Well, that depends. It's got to be a big shot.

And he can't be an asshole.

Or a child molester.

There are limits to what we can do.

Akira Kurosawa, for instance.

There's a death you could make some money on.

Bigger than Kurosawa.

Who? Couldn't be Chinese.

- Tyler. - Which Tyler?

That Tyler!

Oh, that Tyler?

Of course, that Tyler.

We're in business.

Welcome.

What happened? I am very upset!

Cut that light. No backlight.

Soon as I roll, start pouring. And make sure it bubbles.

Hi, I'm not in, and I'm not telling where I went.

Leave a message.

Hi, Yo Yo. It's Lucy.

I need to rent a car and find a place to stay.

I had no one else to turn to.

- I'll do it. - Stay in the car! Get back in the car!

Cold?

I've got a three-point plan.

First, dry clothes.

Second, hot soup.

Third...

- What? - I'm working on it.

What's your plan after Tyler dies?

Go ahead and cry.

You've been holding it back too long.

Thanks.

You can sleep with me if you want.

No, that's not what I mean.

I mean, hotels aren't cheap.

Not that you don't have money, because I'm sure you do.

It's not the money, it's just...

So if you don't care about, you know...

If you're not afraid... What the hell am I talking about?

Could you come here and hug me?