Please Like Me

Oh, what are you doing?

- Gnawing on your face. - Why?

It's Christmas, and I wanted to gnaw on my boyfriend's face.

John used to do this, but now he's too old.

Ok. Um, gnaw on my face.

Yeah?

- It's good, yeah? - Hm. It's alright.

What can I do to make today less shit for you?

- Love me. - Yeah, done.

Nailed it.

Have you ever seen a vagina as out as mine?

Pardon?

Well, I've watched porn, and there are never any outies.

- Mine is so out. - It's not that out.

Fuck you, it is out. It's really out!

Well, I really, really like your vagina and all of its work.

I'm not saying that's a bad thing.

I like outie vaginas. They're really friendly.

They're like, 'Hey, how's it goin'?'

Well, I think you have a beautiful vagina.

Does Claire have an outie?

Well, this feels like a trap.

Hey, hey! Take a look at this pimple for me.

- Ooh. - This one.

- Do you think I should pop it? - Mm, what do you think, Gracie?

Should she pop it or should she leave it till tomorrow?

Tomorrow.

Cool. I try tomorrow.

Hurry up, you bastards!

Oh, Hannah! We're gonna be late now!

Oh, fuck!

Fuck!

Christ! Fuck!

- No! - Oh! Oh, it's...

I should have knocked. I'm sorry.

Yeah. Everything would be great if you'd knocked.

Oh, phew... Er, are you ok?

Think we're beyond that question now.

Do you still wanna do Christmas?

May as well.

- We'll talk about this later. - Yeah.

Between mains and dessert?

Hello! It's Santa!

No, I'm just kidding, it's Mum and Hannah.

Hello, yes, please go sit.

Sorry we're late. It's not Hannah's fault.

- Ok. - And I made my shortbread.

It just isn't Christmas without my shortbread.

That's just not true.

- Hi! - Hi.

I made my shortbread. It isn't Christmas without my shortbread.

- Here you go, Alan. - Oh! Yum. Yes, please.

- Hi, I'm Ella. - Hi.

- Mae? - Oh, no, thanks!

Oh! Mae, Mae, have some shortbread.

Oh, ok.

I'm going to go try to convince Grace to go to sleep.

- Ok. - Oh, yeah!

Thank you.

Eugh!

Come on, Gracie.

- I dropped the gravy. - Yep.

Uh, does... does your family like gravy?

Yeah!

What you're gonna do is,

you're gonna take these paper towels and clean up the gravy

and we're just never gonna tell anyone there was ever gravy, alright?

Christmas really lost its sheen

once I started being able to afford my own toys.

- Beans! Beans! - Oh, my gosh.

Grace is down. I hope she sleep for long time.

- I hope till she's 18. - 18!

Got any ice, Josh? The punch is warm.

- Tom? - I forgot to get ice.

Um, everyone eat, please. It's going cold.

No, no, no! Hey, just not before the crackers, you idiot!

We've got to do the crackers first!

- Yeah, you idiot. - Lame idiot.

Yeah, you look like Ellen DeGeneres if Ellen DeGeneres was a candle.

I think you're ok. Fine. Thanks.

Oh, don't hold so much of it!

Did I ever tell you that I'm Jewish?

This is properly thrilling.

Here we go.

- Oh, why didn't that bang? - I usually make it bang.

Some time today, I need you to take some shortbread,

and say, 'Jeez, Rose, this is delicious shortbread.'

- Ok, now? - No, not now! It's too obvious.

Why do you keep cheating? Why is it so important to you?

- I'm not friggin' cheating. - Oh, let's not talk about cheating!

Oh, no, Stuart! I meant Stuart, Mae. Not you.

Not you. Or Alan. You, for that matter.

Why didn't you tell me you were Jewish?

- So that you'd get me a gift. - Guys!

Oh, no, Claire has no-one to do her cracker with.

Oh, maybe Claire has to do it by herself.

- I don't wanna do it by myself. - I'll do it with you.

Ok! No, Dad, she has to do it by herself.

Yeah. 'Cause she has no partner.

- No-one in the world. - 'Cause she's alone.

Oh, maybe I won't do the cracker, then.

Oh, it's because of that attitude you don't have anyone to do it with.

Josh, Christmas is about charity. You do it with her.

- Yeah, Josh! - Yes, I'll do the pity cracker.

Thank you.

- Oh, you f... - I won.

Oh, shall I go get ice?

No. Not now. We've just started eating.

There's red wine there.

- Where's the gravy? - Oh, so, guys?

I forgot to make gravy.

What?

Joshua! Oh, what a shame!

Yes, it is a tragedy, I agree, and I'm very sorry,

but perhaps we can just forgive and forget

on this holiest of days, yep?

- Mmm, great shortbread, Rose. - Mmm!

Here we go. Ah... What did the zero say to the eight?

- Nice belt. - I don't get it.

Ok. Why did Santa's helper go to the doctor? Huh? Huh?

Herpes!

Telling me to eat the shortbread was so harsh!

She loved it. It was adorable.

She watched me eat the whole thing like I was a cat taking medicine!

Yeah.

- Hannah, where's your hat? - What?

Why aren't you wearing your hilarious hat?

You think you're too good for your hat, Hannah?

Oh, yeah. Put your hat on, Hannah! King Hannah!

She hasn't clocked that I'm a girl?

It's Christmas. You have to wear the hat.

- Claire's not wearing one. - I don't have a hat.

'Cause she lost. She can have mine.

- I'd really like to see you in it. - I'm not wearing the fucking hat!

Oh, ok, guys, um...

Hannah's been a bit depressed lately so just go easy, alright?

Fine, fine.

I guess a novelty hat on a depressed person

would just highlight how depressed they are.

Like how it'd be weird to see a depressed person on a jetski.

Mm.

Um, I think you'd look hot on a jetski.

- Who is that? - This is new.

Yes, I was wondering about that.

That's vegetarian nut roast, and it's for Arnold.

Nice of Josh to make it for me. Yes.

Oh!

- Tastes like blended cardboard! Ugh! - Does it?

Rose, just put some salt on it.

ok, what is the worst present that everyone's ever received?

I'm gonna go first because, obviously, I want to say mine,

that's why I asked the question.

My dad once gave me math tutoring.

Oh, I bet he felt as bad as the two wise men

that brought frankincense and myrrh

when they saw the other bloke brought gold!

- Did you just make that joke up? - Yup.

- No, you didn't. - I did!

- I'm thinking of taking up the flute. - Oh, yeah?

Mm, 'cause I was really musical when I was young,

but I just wasn't pushed enough.

Right. Hannah, turkey?

Yeah. Sure.

What's this? What's that made out of?

It's cotton. Feels really nice.

- What about yours? - Oh, it's cotton too.

- Oh, high five! - Yeah!

Sorry, we are having a bit of trouble getting her to sleep.

Hopefully she will calm down.

- Well, she sounds very distressed. - Yes, yes, I know. I can hear her.

I know how she sounds.

Maybe I should go and check on her.

No!

I am not going to be the mean parent.

You bought me the book. You made me read the book.

You agree with what's in the book.

So, we have 11 minute and 38 seconds, ok, before we can check on her.

It's Christmas, Mae.

But Grace doesn't have a concept of Christmas, does she?

- I will not be the bad guy. - Alright.

- She will stop crying. - Alright.

Mae, I think you're doing a really good job.

Thank you, Claire.

We didn't have to do this with Josh.

Please, Rose.

I have this under control.

Maybe I could sneak in there and have a nibble.

- Josh, please! She's fine. - No, I'm not worried about her.

I just wanna go in and have a little nibble, you know?

Just a little... a little nibble.

Sorry, is no-one gonna make a joke about Josh?

Yeah, how no parenting techniques that are used on him

should ever be used again.

- 'Cause he's shit. - Big nostrils.

- You? - I'm trying to be part of the family.

I don't think big nostrils are a result of bad discipline.

- You wouldn't stop picking your nose. - Oh, my mistake.

Remember when we told Josh that if he kept on picking his nose,

his nostrils would get huge

and then everybody would know that he picked his nose?