Joey

What? What? What? What are you doing here? What time is it?

It's 3:42 in the morning.

Do you wanna have sex?

I turn 30 in two minutes.

Oh, you want me to get you pregnant. All right, come on in.

- No, no, no. I'm freaking out. - What?

I'm about to turn 30 and my life is just one huge disappointment.

When I was 12, I made a list of things I wanted to do by 30...

...and I haven't done one of them.

- Okay, okay, okay. - I don't even know...

Okay, calm down. All right, I got it.

We'll do one thing on your list, then you can cross it off before you turn 30.

- We have two minutes. - Don't worry. We can do this. All right?

Let's see. "Have four kids. " No.

"Be happily married. " No.

- You remember Eric? - Yeah.

Okay. How about this one?

"Call Nick Sullivan and tell him that he hurt me"?

Maybe I could do that. Nick Sullivan was my junior-high boyfriend...

...who dumped me for that slut, Shea Hamilton, right before Homecoming.

I think he lives in Pasadena.

Shea Hamilton? She sounds blond. No, brunette.

- Just give me the phone. - Okay. Here, here, here.

Yeah, Pasadena. Do you have a number for Nick Sullivan?

- Please connect me. - 15 seconds. We're gonna make it.

Hello, is Nick there? Oh, your daddy's asleep?

What should I do? I'd like you to give him a message.

Please tell him that Alex Garrett thinks he's a chump because he hurt me...

...and that I hope he got herpes from Shea Hamilton.

That's right. I hope he got herpes from Mommy.

Hey, you made it. Okay, you can cross that one off your list.

Oh, my God. Alex, you just turned 30.

- Happy birthday. - Thank you.

- See, this is why I came to you. - All right. Hey, we should celebrate.

You know what's really nice? Birthday waffles. You wanna make me some?

That sounds really great, but I should get back. Dean's asleep, so...

Oh, right. Yeah, Dean. Yeah. Gotta get back to Dean.

- Thank you. - Yeah. Hey, happy birthday.

"Lose 60 pounds"? Maybe we give Nick Sullivan a break.

Wow, my man's really doing his job on the vinyl over there.

DJ'ing. You know, I'm thinking of getting into spinning wax.

You know, doing my thing on the ones and twos.

Why don't we know another third guy? I'm gonna grab some more drinks.

- You want one? All right. - Yeah.

Guys' Night Out is just what I need. This Alex thing has me all screwed up.

I just keep waiting for things to fall apart with Dean, but it's just not happening.

Great, just what I need. God, I hope they don't see us.

Hey, Alex, Dean. Joey's here.

Hey, hey. Hi, how are you?

- Hey, happy birthday. - Oh, thank you.

- What are you gonna do? - Dean's gotta go out of town.

We're getting take-out and driving him to the airport.

That doesn't sound like much of a birthday.

I wish I could be here, but I got this business thing. It's terrible timing.

On the bright side, he's letting me drive his Porsche.

I've never driven a sports car before.

Yeah, don't worry, honey, we'll just replace the clutch when I get back.

- Replace the what? - Oh, God.

- See you guys later. - Bye.

- Bye. - Take care.

I hate seeing them together. I mean, he's obviously into her, right?

But then she comes over to my house at 3 in the morning.

Yeah, but, Joey, she came to you. That's what we DJs call sniz-nificant.

No, we don't.

No, no. Michael, her coming to me was a bad thing, okay?

When a girl comes over in the middle of the night to talk...

...that means she sees you as a buddy. - And you don't want that.

You gotta remind her of when she saw you as more than just a friend.

- How am I gonna do that? - Dean's going out of town.

Why don't you do something special for her birthday?

That's a great idea. All right. Gentlemen, I have a night to plan.

You make it happen, buddy.

- What? What's going on? - I was out shopping for Alex.

And I ran into Marci, that crazy girl you made me go on a date with.

- She's, like, totally obsessed with me. - Here she comes.

I cannot deal with this. She's so annoying.

Knocking, knocking.

Looking for you. Seeing you.

Hey, Marci. What's up?

Standing here with you. Feeling my heart beating.

Kidding. Kidding.

Okay, bye-bye. Closing the door. Genuinely afraid.

Okay. Little freaked out by your power.

I got some wine, some flowers. I'm gonna call Alex and have her come over in a while.

So I'm gonna need you to clear out.

If you want the place to yourself, tell Mom and Jimmy.

They've been on the patio all day trying to figure out which plants they can smoke.

Hey, well, you know what? If they find that little one in the back...

...maybe that'd be a good time to tell him he's your dad.

All right, I'm gonna go and tell them to get out of here.

Hey, guys, I'm gonna need the apartment to myself tonight, okay?

- Oh, yeah. No problem. Hey, Jojo. - Yeah. Thanks. Yeah?

We kind of got a little announcement to make.

Things between us have been good, and there comes a time in a relationship...

...when you're ready to take it to the next level.

Oh, are you guys...?

That's right, Jojo. We're getting matching tattoos.

I'm gonna get mine right where you belong. Between my heart and my boob.

I wish I could get one on my eye so it hurts extra bad.

- I want you so much. - Oh, kiss me, you inked-up bitch.

- Oh, God. Yeah. - They can't keep their hands off each other.

They're gonna make another one of you. And I'm gonna have to live with it.

Yeah, could we do this later?

- I'll be around. - Okay.

Hey, Alex, it's Joey. Hi.

Listen, can you come over here for a second?

No, I'm not gonna tell you. It's a surprise. Just get over here. Okay, bye.

- Hey, gorgeous, that was quick. - Were you expecting someone else...

...or is this like the night I learned I had to get a new college roommate?

Hey, Dean. What are you doing here? I thought you went out of town.

See, I did, but I got to the airport and I thought:

"What am I doing? Here's this great girl that I'm crazy about...

...and she's turning 30 tonight. I should be there for her. "

Good for you. Listen, now's not really a good time. So if you could...

What's going on? You got a girl coming over?

No. It's no one really. Just me. Hanging out. You know, treating myself right.

Fine, keep it to yourself. I'll ask Alex who you invited over.

No, no, no, I'll tell you who it is, okay? It's this girl. Marci.

Did I hear my name? Thanks again, Miracle Ear.

Oh, my gosh. Is this for?

- Surprise. - Oh, this is so beautiful.

I knew you weren't just avoiding me. I'm allergic to lilacs, but a little... and I'll be...

Wow, she seems like fun. I'll bet she's crazy in the bedroom.

She's crazy in every room, Dean.

Well, I'll get out of your way. But listen...

...I'm gonna throw a little party tomorrow night for Alex. You two should come.

Well, we were planning on going to my parents', but okay.

- Hey, Joey... Oh, my God, Dean. - Happy birthday, baby.

Oh, my God. What a great surprise.

- I thought those people would never leave. - You know what? I will...

- I'll follow them, make sure they stay gone. - Joey, forget about them.

What do you say you take me upstairs and get me out of this back brace?

So Dean just showed up out of nowhere?

Yeah. He totally ruined my plan with Alex. Now he's throwing her this big party.

- Tough to compete with that. - Yeah. But I did set up this really cool gift.

On Alex's list of things to do before she's 30...

...she had "singing with The Pips. " So I hired this cover band.

So she wants to be like Gladys Knight. That's cool. That's one of my dreams too.

Seriously, Joey, how would you feel about a Russian third? Because I know a dude.

Speaking of music at Alex's party, let me ask you a question, Joe.

How do you feel about sexy beats?

- You are not DJ'ing the party. - Oh, I know I'm not. But Tribby-izzy is.

All right, Zach, call the Russian. Set up a meeting.

- You're such an idiot. - I'm through with you.

Your sister's unreasonable. We decided to get tattoos...

...she said I had to get her name. - I was gonna get your name.

He didn't have to use English, he could use Chinese.

I told you, no more Chinese letters. I'm starting to look like a takeout menu.

I just thought it'd bond us.

Hey, nobody tells me how to ink myself. Okay?

Besides, what if we're not together anymore?