The Upshaws - Third Season

Hey, I demand my damn rights.

Or at least a little time in the yard, like the one in front of my house.

Quit crying like a prison bitch. It's only been an hour.

It's your stupid fault we're in here.

All I did was buy some cheap parts.

How was I supposed to know they was hot?

By thinking, dummy.

Good Lord. Luanne, is that you?

I know. I'm sorry.

Damn, what you in here for, gassin' people?

No, ma'am. I'm in here for unpaid fines.

I asked for the bathroom a while ago.

Don't know how much longer I can hold it.

It's like a pot of cabbage ate a pot of chitlins,

and then took a flight to France and ate a block of cheese.

Guard! Guard!

Uh-huh, Lucretia, they finally breakin' you.

She asked for the bathroom a while ago. You need to take her now.

I can't keep holding my breath.

Thank you, Miss Lucretia.

Hey, guard, I gotta go too. But the only one I can use is at my house.

Hey, y'all got some air freshener?

Y'all got a Glade PlugIn? Or a Jamaican we can just spin around?

They smell delicious.

Lucretia Turner. Congratulations, you made bail.

About damn time.

Aw, shit. We outta here.

Later, fellas, all right?

I'mma be thinking about each and every one of you.

Stay strong. They can lock your body up, but they can't trap your mind. I'm out.

Hey!

Excuse me.

Hello, can I get some help?

Am I invisible?

I need to report a kidnapped white woman.

No, no, she good. They found her.

But while you see me,

can I please get some information on Bernard Upshaw, Sr. and Lucretia Turner?

Please, Officer, sir?

Let's see.

Receiving and selling stolen goods is a Class 4 felony.

Bail's set at $10,000 each, ma'am.

Ten thousand...

Can I get 'em on layaway?

Is there a Groupon?

That's a new one.

There's nothing I can do for you until you're ready to make bail.

Unless you got smokes.

Why? Do they need to trade 'em for protection?

No, I'm just on my break.

Whoever invented the patch is the real criminal.

Hey! Oh, thank God you're out. Are you okay?

Wait a minute, where's Bennie?

In the Bahamas.

Where the hell do you think he is? Locked up with his dumb ass.

How'd you get out?

On my own recognizance.

What about Bennie?

Bennie ain't got no damn recognizance.

So you just bailin' yourself out?

No, Regina, I wouldn't do that.

Miss Lucretia, God bless you!

I can't thank you enough for getting me out.

I'll never keep a library book that long again.

Oh, I get it.

So, just 'cause you mad at me, you're gonna leave my husband in jail?

Yeah, we got some shit.

But I'm leavin' him in there because it's his fault. But don't worry.

Your man's real chipper.

I'mma die in this bitch!

Stay strong.

They can lock your body, but they can't trap your mind.

Where'd you hear that dumb shit from?

Look, you just need to come up with 10% bail.

That's still $1,000.

Wow. Most people who come in here can't do math in their heads.

Even if I could do math with my feet, that's still a lot of money.

I need to save that shit for emergencies.

Like gettin' your husband out of jail?

Can I at least split it, huh? Over four credit cards?

Well, wait, five. I still need a little left on my Visa.

For my baby's insulin shots.

Unless you wanna watch her lose a foot.

Ma'am, you can have the foot or your husband.

You can't have both.

I do everything by the book.

Damn! You are the most scrupulous man I ever met.

With a gray tooth.

Indiana law requires I verify your employment.

You can't cosign bail without it, so...

Oh, I'm employed.

I work at Mercy General. I've been there for 20 years.

I wouldn't just up and quit something like that.

Well, I just need whatever number to call and verify that.

Oh, shit, I can verify that shit right now.

What?

I got my name badge. Hey!

Uh... Hospital, uh, memo pad.

And, like, eight different pens.

I know they don't say "hospital" on them.

But that's where they came from. Trust!

So, the number?

How I'mma have all this shit if I ain't work there? Come on, baby.

I know it's frustrating.

But if you want your husband out, I have to do everything by the book.

Oh, hell no. Is that that deadbeat Jimmy?

He's just gonna jump bail

and then come push his little taco cart right in front of me? Uh-uh.

I thought you did everything by the book.

This is the book.

Bring you back a taco.

Get your big Teddy-Pendergrass-lookin' ass up off of me, man.

Dear God, why do you keep lettin' me do this shit to myself?

Can you just get me out of here?

- Hey, Bennie. - What's up, Monique?

Bennie? Oh, damn.

How's my grandbaby?

Maybe I should get that paternity test.

What are you doing in here?

Uh, they got me on some dumb shit. Said I was sellin' some stolen car parts.

- Were you? - A little bit.

You do know how crime works, right?

I thought the parts was legit.

Well, if what you're saying is true, I'm sure it'll get cleared up.

I'm a Black man in a Indiana jail.

You right. I didn't believe that shit when I said it.

Five, six, seven.

Aw, man!

Your little doggie going directly to jail.

Runs in the family.

Wait, what?

I was just clearing my throat.

With a whole sentence?

Hey, hey, I'm home...

What are you two still doin' up?

Get to bed, both of you.

But I'm still in jail.

Jail? Who said what about jail?

My doggie went to jail.

Oh. Okay, well, lights out!

And hopefully we can bail him out in the morning. Come on, scoot.

Thank you for watching your sisters while your dad and I were... at dinner.

Oh, no problem.

I hear the jail cafeteria has a great peach cobbler.

Who told you?

- Monique's a cop. - Damn it.

She already thinks we're crazy. Now she thinks we're a crime family too.

This whole thing is a big mix-up, all right?

Your dad is innocent.

Cretia too.

Although screw her for not bailin' him out.

Why didn't you bail him out?

Uh...

I... I tried, but I couldn't. You gotta show proof of employment.

Uh, you work.

I quit my job today.

Wait, what?

Long story.

Hold up, so you're unemployed,

Bennie's locked up and Aunt Lucretia's out on bail?

Now, a few days ago, you were dancin' around, flushed with cash.

Now, we hood rats.

Shit happens.

First thing in the morning, come with me to the bail bondsman.

I got the money. I just need you to show proof of employment.

I can't.

Oh, hell, you quit your job too?

No.

Bernard, your father is in jail.

I'm surprised it's taken this long.

Scuse you?

Come on, Ma. We both know the kind of man he is.

I'm stayin' out of Bennie's mess.

Good morning!

Didn't she quit?

Everyone, I got somethin' for you.

- We've done drills for this, people! - What?

I ain't crazy! Come on, now. It's just some donuts.

Enjoy.

So, hey there, not-so-busy bee.

Well, not yet, but I'm gonna be 'cause I got a shitload of work to catch up on.

So, let's chat at lunch.

Uh-huh.

You do know you quit, right?

Okay, I can see the disconnect, right?

I can understand how it may have sounded that way.

You said, and I quote, "Eff this place, I'm out."

I was on a cleanse.

That was hangry me talking, okay?

Now, scoot-scoot, let this busy bee get to buzzin'.

Oh, that's how it is, huh?

Twenty years I bust my ass for this place, and I can't have one bad day?

Billing.

Yes.

No.

I'm sorry, Regina Upshaw no longer works here.

Uh-huh.

This some bullshit.

Zo, I sang at your wedding, man.

Go on, get to steppin'! Get to steppin'!