Carry On Screaming

Aaaargh!

Aaaargh!

Aaaargh!

Aaaaargh! Aaargh!

- What's the matter? What did I do? - Well, what was that funny noise?

W-W-What funny noise?

I don't know. Sort of...

I can't help being a bit passionate, can I?

Oh, Albert, I didn't mean what you were doing.

- What are you shivering for? - I don't know!

A funny feeling, it come over me all of a sudden,

like... icy fingers down my spine.

Lumme, Doris, I did keep my gloves on. I can't do more than that, can I?

Oh, I didn't mean your icy fingers, Albert.

Well, whose, then?

I don't know, but...

I've got a feeling someone's watching us.

Good luck to him!

I've been courting you a year and there's been nothing worth watching so far.

- Albert! - Well, I'm sorry, Doris, but...

after all, I'm... I'm only flesh and blood.

And if something doesn't happen soon, well...

somethings going to happen - that's all.

Aren't you funny? I never thought of you being like that-

you know... flesh and blood, and that.

Well, it's time you started thinking about... that.

- Oh, Albert... - Oh, Doris!

- Aaaaargh! - What now?

There is something in those bushes.

For Pete's sake, we're never going to get anywhere if you go on like this!

Albert, there... there must be somebody in those bushes,

because I saw them move.

All right. Anyone there?

No. There you are, see? Nobody. Come on!

Oh, you don't expect them to say so, do you?

Couldn't you...? Couldn't you go and look?

Oh, all right!

Who's there?

Come on. Who's there?

It's not a peepshow, you know.

Come on. Buzz off, or there'll be trouble.

Come on out, you Peeping Tom!

For the last time, I'm warning you. Come on.

Get out. Go home!

Nah, there's nobody here.

She's just trying to put me off, that's all.

What did I tell you? There's nobody...

Doris?

Doris!

Come on, Doris, stop messing about.

Where are you?

Doris?

Well, answer me.

Well, if that's all you have to say, Mr Potter, I'll telephone my superior.

W-W-What's the matter?

That noise! What's that noise?

Noise... what's...?

It's only the telephone bell! Aren't you ever going to get used to it?

I'll never get used to it.

The invention of the devil - that's what it is!

People talking through wires, waking respectable people at all hours.

It's like someone walking in when you're in the bath.

It's an invasion of privacy. That's what it is!

You in a bath - that'd stop any invasion, that would.

Well, I'm not having it in my house a moment longer - do you hear?

And if it doesn't go, I will. I can promise you that.

Promises, promises. Always promises.

Slobotham here, Sergeant. Sorry if I'm disturbing you and Mrs Bung.

That's all right, Slobotham. We weren't doing anything.

I thought you ought to know, Sergeant: it's happened again.

- What's happened again? - Another disappearance, Sergeant.

Did you get a description?

Naturally.

It's a Miss Doris Mann.

Aged about 20, medium height, average-colour hair,

ordinary eyes, wearing clothes.

Well, it should be a piece of cake finding her, shouldn't it?

Where did it happen?

Hocombe Woods. Again.

Again!

That's the sixth woman who's disappeared

on the same spot inside of a year!

Exactly, Sergeant.

Do you think there could possibly be some connection?

It's possible, Slobotham.

But we mustn't jump to any conclusions.

No, no, of course not, Sergeant.

- Who reported it? - He's here now.

Calls himself Albert Potter.

Medium height, brown hair, beady eyes...

Never mind a description! You just keep him there till I get there.

- Move over. - What did you say?

Move over to my side of the bed.

Certainly not. You're not getting round me like that, Sidney Bung.

Oh, please, Em. Just this once. I've only got a few minutes. Up!

I'll say this for you - you make a very good trouser press.

You're not going out?

No, I'm putting these on to take a bath.

And where are you going at this time of night?

- To find another woman. - Don't lie to me!

You're going to that wretched police station of yours - I know!

- Well, you've caught me out. - Huh!

You haven't any time for me, let alone any other woman.

- I wouldn't bet on that. - Police! That's all you ever think about.

Never mind about me. Oh, dear, no.

Do you realise you haven't taken me out for years?

Oh, don't exaggerate. We went out a couple of months ago.

We had a lovely time.

You call that lovely?

To my poor, dear mother's funeral?

- Well, I enjoyed it. - Oh, yes, you would.

I should have listened to her.

"Never marry a policeman," she said.

"You can't trust 'em," she said. "Unreliable," she said.

"He'll lead you a dog's life," she said.

- She was right. - I should have listened to her.

So should I. Where's my other boot?

That's right, off you go! Never mind about saying goodbye, even.

Goodbye, even.

That's it, knock my poor mother down.

Now look what you've made me do!

- Oh, excuse me, Sergeant. - In my chair again, eh, Slobotham?

Just warming it up for you, sarge.

- Right. Is this him? - Yes.

A Mr Potter, window cleaner. 33 Hogsmere Road.

"Friend" of the young lady that disappeared.

Right. Get out your notebook, Slobotham.

I want every word of this taken down.

As I understand it, you took this girl up to Hocombe Woods, right?

- That's right, yes. - For what purpose, Mr Potter?

- Eh? - What did you take her out there for?

Well... I dunno. We just sort of felt like it.

- "Felt... like... it." - Felt like what?

- I wouldn't like to say, Sergeant. - I'm asking him!

Well, Mr Potter?

Well, we... we just felt like getting a bit of fresh air... and that.

I see.

- Getting a bit of what? - Fresh air and that.

- What's that? - Same as the other.

- Oh, I see. - Well, Mr Potter,

you took her into the woods.

How far did you go?

Oh, not very far, cos I've only known her a year.

Don't put that down!

No, what I meant was, erm... how far did you get... into the woods?

Oh! Oh, not very far. Just to this little clearing I know.

Do you happen to know what Doris was wearing?

Yes. Erm... a sort of erm... white, frilly blouse,

with a... a dark-green jacket, and a long green skirt.

- Did you get that down? - No. As I said, I've only known her a year.

I'm talking to my assistant!

Don't worry, Sergeant. Got it down.

Good.

So, that's all you can tell us, Mr Potter?

There is one thing.

I found this where she'd been sitting.

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! What have we here, then?

- I'd say it was a finger, Sergeant. - I know it's a finger!

Is it... one of... hers, Mr Potter?

No! What sort of girl do you think I'd go outwith?

Right. Take that down to the lab. I want a full report first thing.

Yes, Sergeant.

On your way out, stop off at the desk and enquire:

has anybody reported the loss of a finger this evening?

Yes, of course, Sergeant.

Why didn't I think Of that?

Now, Mr Potter.

I want you to show me exactly where you and the young Lady were.

- Through here. - Slobotham? Slow?

- Sergeant? - You stay here.

- All by myself, Sergeant? - Yes, Slobotham, all by yourself.

If I shall require any assistance, I shall give three sharp blasts. Got it?

Yes, Sergeant. Blast, blast, blast, sir. I beg your pardon.

On my whistle.

Immediately on hearing that, you will surround the entire area.

But I can't surround the entire area by myself, Sergeant.

Excuses, excuses. Always excuses!

Why don't you young fellas get married? It's much easier.

That's where we were.

A-ha!

Is that you, Sergeant?

How do you do?

- Do you notice it? - What?

It smells as if something's been dead too long.

Well, don't look at me.

Peculiar. Very peculiar. Was it here before?

- I didn't notice it. - Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes!

What could it be?

I don't know. Let's get back to the station.

Slobotham! Where are you?

Slobotham, where are you?

Look!

Aaaaargh!

What's the matter with you? It's me!

Oh, I'm sorry, Sergeant. I thought it was that horrible thing again!

What horrible thing?

I don't know. It was something unspeakable.

- Unspeakable? - Yes. Never said a word.

It came out of the woods, straight at me. Great big, glaring eyes.

Long, pointed teeth. Ten feet tall!