Zero Effect

IT'S AN UNCOMPROMISING STANDARD OF HIS PRACTICE.

HE NEVER MEETS ANY OF HIS CLIENTS.

HE DOESN'T SPEAK WITH THEM,

OR, FOR THAT MATTER,

COMMUNICATE IN ANY DIRECT FASHION.

IT'S HIS POLICY.

BUT I AM HIS SOLE REPRESENTATIVE,

AND HE IS MY ONLY EMPLOYER,

AND, AS SUCH, I HAVE FULL AUTHORIZATION

TO SPEAK ON HIS BEHALF ON ALL HIS MATTERS OF BUSINESS.

I HAVE WITH ME A SIGNED LETTER TO THAT EFFECT.

HE DOESN'T NEGOTIATE HIS FEE.

HE WORKS AT A FLAT RATE.

UNDER SOME UNUSUAL CIRCUMSTANCES,

HE'LL WORK PRO BONO.

NEVER IN BETWEEN.

Man: I SUPPOSE I DON'T QUALIFY FOR THE LATTER CATEGORY.

I HAVEN'T HEARD YOUR PROPOSAL YET.

WELL, I HAVE A FEELING

THAT MINE IS NOT A CHARITY CASE.

MOST AREN'T.

MISTER ARLO, YOU REALIZE THIS IS ALL VERY STRANGE.

I MEAN, NOBODY IN YOUR FIELD...

ASKS THE KIND OF MONEY YOUR EMPLOYER DOES,

AND NOBODY COMMUNICATES VIA A, UH...

A MESSENGER.

IT'S ALL VERY UNUSUAL.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE CASE

OF THE MAN WITH THE MISMATCHED SHOELACES.

THIS WAS MANY YEARS AGO

WHEN I FIRST CAME INTO HIS EMPLOY.

HE WAS CONTRACTED TO FIND A MAN...

I'M AFRAID I CAN'T GIVE MUCH

IN THE WAY OF DETAIL...

BUT BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY

THAT IF THIS MAN HAD NOT BEEN LOCATED,

OUR COUNTRY'S GOOD DIPLOMACY

WITH A CERTAIN ECONOMIC SUPERPOWER

MIGHT HAVE A DISTINCTLY DIFFERENT FACE TODAY.

FEDERAL, STATE, LOCAL AUTHORITIES

ALL OVER THE WORLD

WERE SEARCHING AROUND THE CLOCK FOR A FACE

WHOSE SIGNIFICANCE IT COULDN'T FATHOM.

HE'D VANISHED WITHOUT A TRACE.

ON THE EIGHTH MORNING OF THE SEARCH,

I WAS CONTACTED BY A NONPOLITICAL THIRD PARTY

WITH AN UNRELATED PRIVATE AGENDA.

PRIOR TO THIS DAY,

MY EMPLOYER HAD NEVER HEARD OF THIS MISSING MAN,

KNEW NOTHING ABOUT HIM.

AFTER JUST ONE HOUR OF DESK WORK,

JUST AN HOUR AFTER ACCEPTING THE CASE,

HE PICKED UP THE TELEPHONE

AND PLACED A CALL.

GUESS WHO ANSWERED THE PHONE?

THE MISSING MAN?

THE MAN WITH THE MISMATCHED SHOELACES.

WITHOUT EVER LEAVING THE HOUSE.

I'M TELLING YOU,

HE NEVER EVEN LEAVES THE HOUSE, OK?

I MEAN, HE'S LIKE SOME KIND OF RECLUSE,

COMPLETE FREAK.

NO SOCIAL LIFE.

IN FACT, NO SOCIAL SKILLS.

IT'S A STRANGE FUCKING THING.

WHEN HE'S WORKING,

SMOOTHEST OPERATOR YOU'VE EVER SEEN...

BRAVE, SLICK, CUNNING.

CAN DO ANYTHING.

AS SOON AS HE GETS OFF WORK,

IT'S ALL GONE.

AFRAID TO GO TO THE DRY CLEANERS.

LITERALLY.

TOO UNCOMFORTABLE IN HIS OWN SKIN

TO GO OUT AND EAT.

TACTLESS.

AND INEPT.

RUDE, TOO.

JUST AN ASSHOLE.

YOU COULD MEET HIM 5 TIMES

WITHOUT EVER REALIZING IT'S THE SAME PERSON.

HE CAN TELL YOU WHERE YOU WERE BORN,

HOW OLD YOUR MOTHER WAS AT THE TIME,

AND WHAT YOU HAD FOR BREAKFAST...

ALL WITHIN 30 SECONDS OF MEETING YOU.

HE CAN ELICIT A CONFESSION FROM A CRIMINAL

WITHOUT THEIR REALIZING THEY'RE BEING QUESTIONED.

HOW DOES HE DO IT?

HE HAS A DEEPLY NUANCED AND THOROUGHLY FUNCTIONAL

UNDERSTANDING OF HUMAN BEHAVIOR

TO RIVAL THE GREAT PSYCHOANALYTICAL MINDS

OF OUR TIME.

HE UNDERSTANDS THE CRIMINAL MIND

AS WELL AS THE INNOCENT MIND,

THE STABLE MIND

AS WELL AS PSYCHOTIC, SOCIOPATHIC MIND,

THE MALE AS WELL AS THE FEMALE.

I DON'T THINK HE'S EVER KISSED A GIRL.

HE'S, LIKE, 30-SOMETHING YEARS OLD.

WHAT DOES HE DO WHEN HE'S NOT WORKING?

WHAT, DOES HE JUST SIT AROUND THE HOUSE?

WHEN PRIVATE INVESTIGATION WON ITS MOST WORTHY CHAMPION,

ACADEMIA AND THE ARTS SUFFERED A LOSS,

A GREAT LOSS.

IN ADDITION TO HIS MANY SCHOLARLY GIFTS,

HE'S ALSO A TERRIFICALLY TALENTED MUSICIAN.

HE WRITES SONGS.

HE'S TERRIBLE.

HIS METAPHORS ARE THIN,

HIS IMAGERY IS CLICHáD,

AND HIS THEMATIC MATERIAL

IS TRITE AND HEAVY-HANDED.

WHY DO YOU DO IT?

I LEFT THE FIRM,

DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS GONNA DO...

AND I GET THIS MESSAGE ON MY MACHINE.

HE WATCHED ME ARGUE A CASE IN COURT.

SAID I WAS THE ONLY PERSON FOR THE JOB.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW, THE GUY'S NUTS, OK?

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

THE MYSTERIOUS AND BRILLIANT DARYL ZERO.

HE CERTAINLY DOES TAKE HIMSELF SERIOUSLY,

DOESN'T HE?

ALL RIGHT, MR. ARLO.

I'M SOLD.

WHAT HAPPENS NOW?

YOU TELL ME HOW IT IS

THAT MY EMPLOYER CAN BE OF SERVICE TO YOU.

THEN I FLY BACK HOME AND SPEAK TO HIM.

WHERE IS HOME?

NOT TO BE COY, MR. STARK, BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT.

OF COURSE NOT.

YOU KNOW, MR. ARLO,

I'M NOT USED TO BEING IN THIS POSITION...

BEING NEEDY.

I UNDERSTAND.

YES.

YOU KNOW, IT'S OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE

WHAT I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU

NOT LEAVE YOUR CONFIDENCE

OR THAT OF YOUR, UH...

INACCESSIBLE EMPLOYER.

THAT I CAN GUARANTEE.

MR. ARLO, I HAVE LOST MY KEYS,

AND I NEED TO FIND THEM.

I'M BEING BLACKMAILED, MR. ARLO.

SO FAR, IT'S COST ME A GOOD DEAL OF MONEY

AND MANY NIGHTS SLEEP.

I NEED THE MATTER RESOLVED.

I NEED SOME QUESTIONS ANSWERED,

AND I NEED TO KNOW WHO IT IS

WHO HAS STOLEN THE KEY TO MY SAFE DEPOSIT BOX.

MR. ARLO, GOOD TO SEE YOU, SIR.

THANKS, RAY.

KEEP IT CLOSE, WILL YOU?

I'll ONLY BE ABOUT 20 MINUTES OR SO.

YOU GOT IT. WE'LL KEEP IT UP TOP.

GREAT. HI, JOE.