The Man

Hello, Detroit.

What a pleasure to be here.

Ladies and gentlemen, we in the exciting field

of dental supply sales

are here in the Motor City for a reason--

To provide quality, precision tools

to professionals

who demand the very best.

Thank you.

Whoa-ho-ho, thank you very much.

Please be seated.

Oh.

I was just going over my speech.

You've been going over it for two weeks.

Honey, you know your speech. I know your speech.

- The kids know it. - It's a big one, Susan.

It's a speech for every sales rep in the Northeast United States.

It is a big one.

You've done very well for yourself, Andy Fiddler.

Now get dressed. Your plane leaves at 7:00.

You know, Detroit's quite a sports town, honey.

Maybe I'll bring you back a Piston.

Do me a favor. Just bring yourself back.

Detroit ain't Wisconsin.

60 AR-15s,

30 M-4s, 6,000 rounds of 5-5-6 ammunition

and three dozen M-16s, all of it stolen from the vault

in this building.

But that's not why I rolled you out of bed at 5:00 a.m., Agent Vann.

You wanna tell me how your partner winds up a speed bump

on the 94 Freeway? I'll tell you how.

Your partner was the inside man on the job.

Once they had the guns, he became a loose end.

I'm gonna tell you something else,

something I've learned in 20 years with Internal Affairs--

If a cop's dirty, nine times out of 10, his partner's dirty too.

Wouldn't surprise me if you were the one who popped him.

You got a bug up your ass about me?

Well, let's get it out right now, right here, you and me.

No, huh?

So step off, stop wasting my time.

You don't seem too upset about your partner.

You want to charge me with not being upset, go right ahead. Be my guest.

Hell, I'll write a full confession about how I don't give a shit.

If he was dirty, he got what he deserved.

I'm not finished with you.

Well, I'm finished with you, and let me tell you

what I learned in all my years on the job--

Don't trust anyone.

That includes partners

and especially Internal Affairs skid marks.

I'll be seeing you, Vann.

I tried to keep I.A. off your back.

Booty. Mmm, don't get into this.

I'm already into this.

You know those weapons will be out of the city within 24 hours.

Yeah, well, you can't set up a buy in 24 hours.

- Watch me. - Vann, nothing stupid.

Yes, Lieutenant.

Bye-bye, enjoy your stay. Bye, hope you had a nice flight.

I had a wonderful flight, and I'm wondering if you can do me a favor.

I was talking to one of the stewardesses back there,

and we were discussing tongue scrapers. I found one in my bag.

I'm wondering if you can pass this along.

- I'm a dental supply salesman. - Yes, I will.

Sir, you might have to step aside.

Just tell her it's daily tongue-scraping

and anti-bacterial conditioning

which will assure her the freshest breath.

See this right here?

This is a nickel-plated Ladysmith nine Mary-Mary chrome inlay. Go on,

- feel that. - It's got a nice weight to it.

- Yeah, so do you, baby. - What?

- Oh, shit! - Oh, hold up-- that's a cop car!

Get your ass off my car, Booty!

Come on!

Your ass is still on my car, Booty!

Run faster, Booty! Pump those arms! Get those knees up!

- Your form is all jacked up, dawg! - What you want, man?

- I want to buy some guns! - I don't know

- what you're talking about! - I'm talking about a telephone pole.

What?

Why do we have to do this every time?

It's these repetitive ass-whippings that cause guys like me

- to burn out on the job. - Du-- ah-ha-- ah!

Somebody wiped out our vault last night. Who was it?

- How the hell should I know? - I'm gonna check the front of my car.

If it smells like ass, I'm gonna beat you like a runaway slave.

No no, all right, all right, all right.

- All right what? - Maybe I heard something.

Tell me what you heard.

Something about a lot of merchandise in play. That's all.

Ooh. You know how I can tell you're lying?

I can smell the bullshit coming out of your mouth.

No, all right! Maybe I know one of the guys, huh?

Well, hook me up. Tell him you found a buyer.

Oh, man, he already got a buyer. You're too late.

Tell him I'll double his price. I can get 20 grand cash right now.

20 grand? Man, that'll only get you a taste, dawg.

A taste is all I need.

Hook me up. Now.

- $38.50. - That was very nice drive in, Mr., uh--

- Is it Bedwetter? - Bedwe-teer.

I see you're from Turkey, Mr. Budweeder.

I've got $20, $40. There you go. Keep the change.

I was in Turkey recently, uh...

Santos, what's cracking, dawg?

- Yo, I need 20 grand. - Yeah, don't we all?

I need that in non-sequential unmarked bills, and I'm in a hurry.

I'm not your personal ATM, man.

Come on, Santos.

You know you're gonna give it up, so cut the bullshit.

Hey, I don't have that kind of cash down here right now.

Nuh-uh. See? You're lying. Now I personally logged a million in cash

into that vault right over there just last month

on a case we both know hasn't gone to trial yet,

so you're still holding.

What happened between us, Santos?

Where the love, dawg?

You realize it's my ass if you come up short again.

It's just flash money. I'll have it back this afternoon.

Come on, now go and get that.

I'll have the paperwork done by the time you get back.

All right, but I need that money back here by 4:00.

You can trust me, man.

Come on now. I'm in a hurry. Chop-chop.

Work that combination, baby.

Look, man, they'll give you a taste, then they'll tell you

where to bring the money. They don't want the goods and the cash

- in the same spot. - Booty, I do this for a living.

Look, I don't know these guys. They're from out of town.

What do you know, Booty?

This is the place, man. He'll give you a gun and a phone now

and call you later for the money.

Take the corner seat at the counter

and be carrying a "USA Today." A "USA Today," the newspaper.

Look, man, I did what you asked me to do. I'm done with this.

You better hurry up, man.

By this time tomorrow, the guns will be gone.

- You want a taste? - Pardon me?

- There's your taste. - That's my taste?

Wait for our call.

Hey!

What?

He's got a gun.

No no, this is not-- No no no, it's not my gun.

It's the man that was sitting here he j-- he just left.

Oh oh! He's got a gun, man!

It's going back in the bag. Back in the bag.

- Drop the gun! - Ah!

- Drop the gun! Now! - Yes.

- Yes, the gun's going down. - Drop it!

The gun is going down. Gun is down.

- Gun is down. - Just shut up.

All right. Ah!

You picked the wrong day to pull a stick-up, dickwad.

It's not my gun. Some guy gave it to me.

- What guy? - Some guy. He gave me a bag,

- and he said, "Taste it. Taste it." - He said what?

- Something about a taste. - Tell me what he said,

exactly word for word what he said.

He said, "That's your taste," but there was nothing to taste,

just a phone and a gun. Look, I just went in for a cof--

- Oh shit. They think you're me. - They think I'm black?

No, they don't think you're-- A.T.F.

You're coming with me.

What? I have done nothing wrong!

- Well, Simon? - It's coming.

All right, I got him.

"Fiddler, Andy. Milwaukee, Wisconsin."

He's not federal, he's not local, no law enforcement.

- No sheet. He's clean. - Yeah, he's too clean.

- Screw him. - No, wait a minute.

"Istanbul, Turkey. Customs.

- Trafficking." - Turkey? He do any time?

- Interpol shows an outstanding warrant. - He got away from the Turks?

No shit. This guy's gotta be smarter than he looks, huh?

Well, he can't be any dumber than he looks.

So what's this guy look like?

Well, he, uh... he had very good teeth.

- What does he look like? - He looks good. He looks good.

He had a very nice face, very handsome face.

He was a very attractive man.

N-- not to me.

Uh, I mean, I am married to a woman.

And even if I wasn't married,

I don't mean that kind of attractive. Personally,

- he was not attractive to me. - Describe him to me.

Short hair. Short hair

which made his head look smaller than it actually is,