Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story (A Cock and Bull Story)

You look good with a big nose, actually.

You could become a great classical actor

and be taken seriously.

I got a little crevice, can you see that there?

See?

- Yes. - That's fizzy drinks.

- Yeah. - And I don't think the color is great.

What do you think? Have a look at the color.

I saw the color last time I looked.

It registered.

It's what I'd call "not white."

- Well... - What color would you call it?

I would... I'd concur with "not white."

I'd go further.

I mean, it's not yellow.

I, you know...

it's a sliding scale, isn't it, you know.

- Yeah. - I think you're...

- you're a... - Hint of yellow.

- Closest to... - Barley meadow.

- If you wanna give it... - Tuscan sunset?

If you want...

You're getting laughs

but it's not making your teeth look any better.

No, you know, so...

Pub ceiling?

The elephant man.

Mmm.

I think if your teeth are too good,

you get bogged down in the leading-man thing,

and I don't want that to happen.

I think you can sleep easy at night...

about the prospect of being cast as a leading man.

Now I haven't got any teeth at all there on the bottom.

Thanks for that.

That was pleasant.

Have another look. Do they still look that color?

- It's okay... - Let yourself adjust...

It's seared on my retina.

I think once people get used to them,

you actually... actually, it's a nice color.

I think you could decorate a child's nursery in this color.

Quite soothing.

But you could have saved them a few bob If you'd been cast as Dr. Slop.

Yeah, but that's very much a supporting role.

- This is... - Yeah, and? The point being?

This is a co-lead.

Well, we'll see after the edit, shall we?

Do you not think so?

Featured co-lead?

It's not a cameo.

It's not a cameo, no.

It's a supporting role.

It's not a supporting role. I mean, all the way through.

Yeah.

It's a co. It's a co, it's an "and Rob Brydon."

- It's us. - It's not an under.

It's Steve Coogan, Rob Brydon.

In fact, if we went alphabetically,

which I think is the only fair way,

it would be Rob Brydon, Steve Coogan.

Yeah, but that would just be ridiculous.

Ahem...

Groucho Marx once said

that the trouble with writing a book about yourself

is you can't fool around.

Why not? People fool around with themselves all the time.

I'm Tristram Shandy,

the main character in this story,

the leading role.

Susannah! Susannah!

Susannah!

There are those who say

this is a cock and bull story.

That's the bull,

my father's bull,

and I'll show you the cock in a minute.

Susannah!

Susannah!

- Is it started? - Yes.

- Yes, I... I think it is. - Oh ma'am!

- Shall I fetch the midwife? - Yes.

These two gentlemen are my Uncle Toby and Corporal Trim.

They're recreating the Battle of Namur

where they both fought.

Get them forward!

Colonel Ingoldsby's orders, sir. The flag is to advance

to the ditch behind the 50-pounder.

What?! The ditch?

There's no such thing as a ditch out there.

The ditch behind the 50-pounder, sir!

That is a ravelin. A ravelin.

A farmer digs a ditch!

- And so... - Sir, get down!

when I said this was a cock and bull story,

it was my cock I was talking about,

not Uncle Toby's.

After all, am I not the hero of my own life?

- Where's my chamber-pot? - Master Tristram, where is it?

What have you done with it? Is it hidden under the bed?

- Where is it? - You'll have to let out of the window...

I need to pee!

Lift your nightshirt up.

Poke your little pecker out the window.

Do you think the time might come when you don't make much of a fuss

about passing your water? That's it.

That is a child actor pretending to be me.

I'll be able to play myself later.

I think I could probably get away with being...

18, 19?

Until then, I'll be played by a series of child actors.

This was the best of a bad bunch.

He's unable to convey the pain or shock

of such an event.

I think I can.

Susannah said I was doing it exactly how you did it.

It may be the same noise,

but it doesn't have the emotion.

Go on, then. Show me how to do it.

I was doing it with a comedy,

not a pantomime.

Master Tristram!

Come here, let me fix it all better.

Just about murdered you.

Oh my darling.

My dear darling.

Yes, there...

there, what happened?

This is my beautiful, lovely mother

Elizabeth.

How did this happen?

It was my fault. I removed the weights

- from the sash window... - What?

At Mr. Toby's request to make mortars for the Siege of Namur.

I wish now with all my heart I had cut off something else.

My poor little Tristram.

So both my uncle and myself were victims

of the Battle of Namur

even though it took place years before my birth.

I was not unmanned, by the way.

I was circumcised like a lot of men...

manly men.

I can't speak for my uncle in that area,

although even as a boy I was curious.

Sir, where were you injured during battle?

- This stretch of wall... - This one looks quite like me.

The front of the curtain is the breast.

- None of the men... - There's a ravelin below this fosse.

- I shall dig it now, sir. - There was indeed, Corporal, yes.

I tumbled into it just... in the course of the afternoon.

Where exactly were you injured?

I will show you the exact spot.

Soldier, quick march.

I received my injury at nine of the clock

- just here. - In the...

in the ditch.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

I am not yet born.

Mrs. Shandy's took bad, sir,

with the pangs, sir.

They're coming thick and fast. On my way to fetch midwife.

- She's doing badly? - Yes, sir.

With the pangs.

When I was born, my father was four years older than I am now.

So, given the family resemblance,

I thought I should portray him

as well as myself.

Walter! Brother Walter!

Brother, Elizabeth isn't well, Brother.

- She's suffering from pangs. - Pangs?

I believe she was referring to the birth pangs, sir.

She's gone to fetch the midwife

- and fast... - The midwife?

No no no no.

Obadiah! Obadiah!

I want you to ride like the devil to Dr. Slop's

and tell him my wife has fallen into labor

and I desire him to come immediately.

I will not have the midwife deliver my son.

Come on! Come on! Get up!

You may find it surprising that the method of my birth

had yet to be decided.

The cause was not too little planning, but too much.

"I, Walter Shandy, undertake to arrange for any confinement

of Elizabeth Shandy in London,

and further undertake to pay all expenses

arising from that confinement."

Hmm.

What is the smaller writing here?

That's just small print. You always get that.

This is the beginning of all my woes.

I should have to stay in Yorkshire?

Yes, only if you once

already made the journey to London by mistake.

In the September before my birth

my mother, being pregnant... or so she thought...

insisted my father take her to London.

- You all right, my love? - I'm fairly comfortable.

Not long now.

Just another two days.