The Nutty Professor

Miss Lemmon! Miss Lemmon!

Miss Lemmon!

What?

Doctor Warfield!

Miss Lemmon, get Professor Kelp in here immediately.

But, Dr Warfield, I think Professor Kelp has a class right now.

He had a class. Can't you hear?

Now, get him!

Fire's up here.

Get the axe! Get the axe!

All right, men, all together at the door.

Look out! Look out! Look out!

Oh, oh... I beg your pardon.

Oh, but this is terrible!

Oh...!

Oh... Oh...

Oh, my...!

Professor Kelp?

Are you all right? And if you are, where are you all right?

Oh, my...

Dr Warfield wants to see you in his office.

- Dr Warfield? - Yes, right away.

I used too much...

Kelp.

How long have you been on the faculty of this university?

Well, now, I would say, er...

prior to my exposure as a student counsellor, USC, three years...

No, I went to post-grad, naturally, two years... No...

I had a botany exposure in one particular school...

I had decided, pre-med, botany, whatever, I would prefer the sciences...

I think I should go back to when I graduated...

How long?!

Two years and 22 minutes now.

Kelp, as I recall, upon your arrival here,

I told you and the other new faculty members,

I will not stand for any member of staff utilising the university's facilities

for his or her own personal experiments.

Did I not make myself perfectly clear?

Good, I knew my memory served me well.

And Kelp, wasn't it approximately six weeks later

that you conducted a rather interesting experiment before your class?

Let me see... I think it had something to do with an additive to gasolene

for the purpose of increasing the efficiency of the combustion engine.

- Right? - Yes, it was something to that effect...

Do you recall what that additive was?

Yes, as a matter of fact, now that you bring it up, the additive was

3 parts carbon, 5 parts hydrogen, 1 part nitrogen, 3 parts oxygen.

- Which, of course, is? - Nitroglycerine.

- The results were? - Negative.

- And? - Noisy.

Noisy!

It was the worst explosion in the history of this or any other university.

That was two years ago and they're still talking about it today.

Now you mention it, I saw young Phips the other day.

You recall Arnold Phips was in my class that day?

Yes, really, what did he have to say?

He's feeling much better and the bandages should be off in two weeks.

Oh, well, a couple... Exactly! That's exactly what I mean!

You are a menace.

Professor Kelp, believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

Kelp, it's human nature.

Kelp, people just don't like teachers blowing up their kids.

Kelp, try to understand that I understand

that scientists and creators have their little eccentricities.

Einstein hated haircuts, da Vinci loved to paint and Newton...

Didn't he have something to do with figs?

So therefore I, too, realise that you have many of the same eccentricities.

Leave them in the locker when you come in in the morning, Professor.

And feel free to take them home at night.

All right, Kelp, simmer down and relax.

I'm sure we won't have to have another talk like this again. Am I correct?

Oh, without question, you're absolutely...

yes, we'll never have to correct our talk.

We won't ever speak...

That is, we'll never have to talk again. We just never will discuss talking.

Er, we shouldn't really converse about speaking.

Professor, our discussion has come to an end.

- Thank you, Dr... - Kelp.

Yes?

Your watch...

does it...

always?

Oh, no, just when I open...

Those are your greens.

Hi, how are you?

"Therefore, through history,

"man has been curious..."

- Professor Kelp. - Yes, Worfshefski?

- I have to go... - You have to go?

Since when did you find it necessary to ask permission to go?

No, well, what I meant to say, Professor Kelp, was that...

I have to go to football practice.

Football practice?

At this hour? What about your studies?

Well, Mr Coughman, the coach,

he asked me to try and get off my first class this morning...

Get off your first class?

Did he, now? To get off your first class?

Mr Worfshefski, had you learned anything in your first class,

and I refer to the elementary class,

you might not be in such dire need of learning now.

Your request is denied. Please sit down.

I don't want to hear another word about your stupid practice.

You don't have no call to go yelling at me like that, Professor Kelp.

Worfshefski, I might have been a little rash.

That wasn't very nice calling my practice stupid.

I meant I was stupid in assuming practice was stupid.

Naughty, naughty, naughty.

- Teacher! - Well, you shouldn't be upset.

W... W... Worfshefski, you're breaking my...

There goes the tibia. Worfshefski, you're... Worfshefski!

You must realise that...

You don't realise what you're doing, Worfshefski.

Worfshefski, you don't realise what you're doing.

Well, just don't do something, sit there!

Er, that is... class dismissed!

You may go.

Can I be of any assistance, Professor Kelp?

Oh, er...

Thank you, Miss Purdy, you're very, very considerate.

Actually, I would appreciate the assistance

for were it not for you assisting me I might very well be here all semester.

Well, er, let's start with the book.

Yeah... I don't know, I...

You have to... The, er...

Wait, it's connected, you better not press that.

Just pull it out, Miss Purdy.

Oh, that really snapped.

- I'm sorry. - That's all right.

- Try leaning. - Oh, no, no, no, no...

Let me just... Let me have this arm...

Just may I have that arm? All right, you just hold some of the body...

Thank you, thank you.

- Thank you, Miss Purdy. - Are you all right, Professor?

Oh, yes, this is very embarrassing, Miss Purdy.

Why don't you call me Stella, Professor?

I thought it was Stella Purdy.

Oh, you mean to call you Stella? How stupid of me. Sorry.

I will, stupid... Er, Stella.

I'm very upset. It's very embarrassing.

Honestly, Professor, you shouldn't let a big ox like that bother you.

He's the typical bully that loves picking on a small man.

Yes, yes, you're right, Miss Purdy,

but you'd best run along or you'll miss your next class.

You're all right?

Oh, yes, as I said, I'm just embarrassed. I'm fine, thank you.

Er, Miss Purdy...

Miss Pur... Excuse me.

The, er...

He's a typical bully that loves picking on a small man...

picking on a small man... picking on a small man...

I think I broke myself.

Wrong way, sir. This is the gym. I take it you're new?

- Well, I'm not brand new. - No, I mean a new student.

I'm terribly sorry, sir. Are you hurt?

Well, actually, if you would say that a man with an ulcer,

a nail in his shoe and a splinter in his finger was then struck by lightning...

If you could say he wasn't hurt then I'm not hurt.

Good. By the way, we don't wear glasses at Vic Tanny's.

Fine, I'll just take these off.

I didn't realise that you're not supposed to, er...

There's nowhere really that I... Is there some place I could put?

- Shall I put these in a locker? - I'd appreciate it. You're very kind.

I would've put them there had I known that there was a restriction.

Some people use them for a façade, I wear them for eyes.

You see, "for eyes", it's a play on "eyes".

I hope I did nothing wrong by wearing them. I didn't realise.

If we could get started. I do have a class and need to get going.

- Come with me. - Wonderful.

I've never done this before. I don't know where to begin.

We start right here.

Identical twins.

- No, that's a pulling machine. - A pulling machine? What does it do?

- You pull it! 15 or 20 pulls to begin with. - Oh, I see.

- And take it easy. - Naturally.

I wouldn't strain myself for the world. Thank you very much.

You're welcome. Er, happy muscles.

Yes, I certainly do.

Oh, yes, I've seen that in those magazines.

Oh, that's invigorating.

Oh, that's terrific.

I'm going to have a great deal of fun with this, I can tell.

"the various aspects, of course, is relativity to hydrogen.

"There is hydrogen, duly explosive and more devastating than the atomic.

"There is equally the devastation in nitrogen... nitrogen, equally..."

I couldn't help but notice - I was standing here -

that's amazing, the way you push those things up there.

It must take a great deal of patience.

And a little muscle.

Oh, yes. Well, you certainly are... Yes, you are...

I'd love to be able to... I would really enjoy trying that some time.

I don't think you'd have the patience for it.

I have the other thing you mentioned: A little muscle.

I say, that was, er, sort of a corker!

Here, enjoy yourself.

I, er... I suspect it was somewhat heavier than I...

- uncanny. - I agree, Doctor.

But there are a couple of points that I neglected to mention.

Specifically, the day I went to Vic Tanny, I got on the scale,

as they normally do, to check you in,