Bowfinger

Bowfinger International Pictures.

Hi, this is Cherisse from AT&T.

We're wondering if your payment for $543 has gone astray.

Could you call us?

Just a reminder. We no longer need access to your residence...

to disconnect your phone.

Wow. Great script.

Great script.

Betsy, it's now or never.

We are gonna make a movie.

- Bowfinger International Pictures. - It's Carol.

How do I say this? I have an offer to go to Edmonton to do Cats.

It's a small role, but I've got to take it.

- You keep promising me... - No!

- But it's been eight months. - Carol, don't take that job.

We are going to make a motion picture. I promise you that.

- But you've promised before. - I know.

- Just be here tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. - But I can't afford...

- Please! - But you always...

This is Dave. Beep comin'.

Dave, can you get me a Mercedes tomorrow?

I want you to find out when and where Jerry Renfro is having lunch.

Just do it. Don't think about it. Just do it.

You're my buddy.

Come on.

Hello?

Afrim? It's Bowfinger. Great script.

It is?

You wrote a great script. Your accounting days are over.

Ha! He likes my script!

Afrim? Afrim?

Be here tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. 10:00 a.m.

Yes, boss.

- Slater. - Who is this?

- Bowfinger. Don't hang up. - Bye.

- Be here tomorrow at 10:00. - Ah, man, that's early.

Big meeting, 10:00 a.m. Please?

You believe in me, don't you, Betsy?

First of all, thank you for coming.

I know things have been a little slow.

- Very slow. - Slow and low.

Let him speak.

We are not the big guys. We are the little guys.

We never had muscle before, but now we do.

Because last night I read a screenplay...

that every studio in town is going to want.

And how did we get this screenplay? Because Afrim here...

is a damn fine writer, as well as accountant and part-time receptionist.

I said, "Afrim, if you can write as well as you can add..."

I didn't even have to finish my sentence. Twelve days later,

he hands me this... this masterpiece.

- Oh, thank you, boss. - All right.

Tell 'em the title.

- "Chubby Rain." - What?

"Chubby Rain." Tell 'em why.

The aliens come down to Earth in raindrops.

Yeah!

Making the raindrops chubby.

Aliens in the raindrops. Chubby rain. At the end of this movie...

when our hero, Keith Kincaid, looks up at the alien antenna and says,

"Gotcha, suckas!"

I mean, that is a moment.

Man, I don't know.

Just give me till this afternoon to close the deal.

If I don't, you can go anywhere you want.

Come here. Come here, come here.

See that FedEx truck?

Every day it delivers important papers to people all over the world.

And one day, it is going to stop here...

and a man is going to walk up...

and casually toss a couple of FedExes on my desk.

And at that moment, we...

And by we I mean me... will be important.

- Wow. - Now, today...

I have a very important meeting with Jerry Renfro.

If it goes the way I think it's gonna go,

I will see you at the Oscars.

Good job, Dave. Great work.

You've got to have this back in 45 minutes. I'm supposed to be washing it.

Has Renfro left yet?

15 minutes ago. He should be getting to the restaurant now.

If this goes like I think, I'm making you cameraman.

- Do you know what that means? - Means you'll be living up to your promise?

That's right.

And, if this movie gets made, I'm giving you my van.

It is my van.

Could you seat me next to Jerry Renfro? Thank you.

Hey, Tony, how are you?

Uh-huh. No. Send the deal back.

Uh-huh. Net, net?

If I'm gonna put $85 million into an avalanche movie,

I gotta know where the snow is.

- Uh-huh. - And it better be Aspen.

And I want to know what asshole's gonna direct.

We gotta get a director.

- Who's my star? - Get me a list.

- He's got to be international. - I need an international star.

- Who's my star? - How about Kit Ramsey?

Kit Ramsey is the hottest, sexiest action star in the world.

When I think of Kit Ramsey in this avalanche movie,

I get very comfortable.

I'm not gonna get into a bidding war with...

because even if Kit Ramsey's interested, we might not want Kit Ramsey.

Can you believe this?

Now they try to tell us who's gonna be in our movies.

Get me Kit. Get me Kit right now.

You don't put me on hold, I put you on hold.

Put me on hold and you're a dead man.

Hey, Jerry, how are you? Bobby Bowfinger, Bowfinger Films.

We worked on that thing a couple years ago.

What thing?

The, uh, famous movie?

Hey. Hi, Kit. How are you?

My man! How's Dolores?

Good. You are first in line for the script, Kit.

You can't be more first than first.

- Can I talk to him? - Huh?

- Can I talk to Kit? - Absolutely. Hey, Kit?

Got a surprise for you. Kit? Kit? I'm losing you...

Bad line?

Yeah. These cell phones are so bad.

Universal is begging me for this script, but I don't want to give it to 'em.

They screwed me once. You oughta take a look.

Let me see.

Take a look at it.

- It starts nice. - It does, doesn't it?

- All this. Yeah. - Right.

"Gotcha, suckas!" Wow, that is a catch phrase.

Isn't that good?

I just saw the poster.

Let's be risky today. I'm gonna go with this.

You bring me this script and Kit Ramsey,

and you got yourself a "go" picture, Bobby.

Uh, okay. Thanks.

Thanks.

I love what you do. Here's my card.

Just keep that.

What was that?

A "go" picture! A "go" picture!

You don't know anyone who knows Kit Ramsey, do you?

Damn it, Hal! I'm the biggest black action star in the world!

- Where's my "Hasta la vista, baby"? - What are you talking about?

My "Hasta la vista."

If Arnold Schwarnzencracker is gettin' to say lines like that,

you better make sure that Kit Ramsey has shit that's equally well-written.

- The script has that moment. - When?

You say, "I enjoyed meeting you, Cliff."

Then you push the guy right over the cliff.

That's too much for the audience to think about.

They have to know the guy's name is Cliff,

that he's on a cliff, and that Cliff and cliff are the same.

It's too cerebral. We're trying to make a movie, not a film.

You're supposed to be the agent!

You better find me a line as good as the time I told Tommy Lee Jones,

"Fuck y'all," and blew his brains out.

You know what's happenin' here?

This is another example of the white man takin' all the best catch phrases...

and then givin' them to Arnold or Stallone.

Exactly.

And Jackie Chan and Van Damme.

They can't even speak English good.

There's covert stuff goin' on. Some covert shit I just found out.

Come inside. I'm glad you're here. Come in here.

Right now, everybody. Come here.

- What you talkin' about? - Look at this. Just for fun...

I scanned in the computer the script to see how many times...

the letter "K" appears in the script.

The letter "K" appears in this script 1,456 times.

That's perfectly divisible by three.

- So what're you sayin'? - What am I sayin'?

"K-K-K" appears in this script 486 times.

Kit...

- The sickness is deep. - They playin' you.

- I've been played. - That's really not the case here.

This is a great script. It's not Shakespeare, but...

- What'd you just say? - I said, it's not Shakespeare, but...

It's not Shake... It's not Shake...

Did you hear what he's doin'?

Yeah. I know he's doin' something. I just can't put my finger on it.

Yeah. What's he doin'?

- Shakespeare, Freddy, Shakespeare! - Shakespeare.

- Shake-a-spear. Spear-chucker. - Shake-a-spear!

- I'm a spear-chucker now. - Kit!

- Call me a spear-chucker, huh? - That's not what it means!

It's my imagination, huh? It's all my imagination.

They didn't put a computer chip in LaToya Jackson's brain.

She just acts like that, huh?

I suppose Teddy Kennedy ain't one-sixteenth black, huh?

Teddy Kennedy?

He's not like other Kennedys. Look at him! He's different!

I got some calls to make.

Yeah, go make some calls. Call Arnold and Sly!

And Van Damme and Jackie Chan. Tell 'em the spear-chucker said hello!

Get my door just as fast as you get Tom Hanks's!

- Yes, Mr. Ramsey. - Wait, wait. Who are you?

They just buzzed me. Script delivery from Paramount.

- I ain't expectin' no script from Paramount. - I mean Universal.

- Maybe so. Come on. - Gotta have you sign.

- I ain't signin' shit. - It's all good. This script is "buttah."

- What? - Buttah, buttah. This stuff is buttah.