Jett

No, no, you can't tell me that, man.

Well, you would've done the same thing

if Mrs. Charlie Baudelaire had asked you.

No, I would not.

Okay, just walk me through it, okay? So, she's...

She's in the pool, and she says what,

to just, "Come get in with me?"

She said she's all wet in there, and I'm so dry.

Would I care to join her for some laps?

Well, that's, um...

That's a what-you-call-it... That's a, a, a euphemism.

And I politely tell her that I didn't bring my trunks,

and just like that, her maid's bringing a pair of surf trunks

belonging to the big guy.

So, I excuse myself, go to the john,

no idea how I got myself into this predicament,

and when I'm about to slip them on,

I notice they got built-ins.

What? The fuck is a built-in?

What, you mean-- (laughs) The stringy, meshy-- (laughs)

No!

-You did not wear those. -What was I gonna do?

You cut 'em out!

You're basically sharing very intimate space with another man's junk.

I'm not cutting Charlie Baudelaire's surf trunks.

His favorite, she says.

Okay, well...

put your underwear in between you and the trunks.

I didn't think about that.

What I thought was the man's got a washing machine.

A washing machine? A washing machine?

You're telling me if you go in with some forensic CSI-type shit,

you're not gonna find some leftover dead skin,

-or some skanky old scrotal-- -Okay, enough!

-That his lunch? -That's sweet.

Wouldn't mind a wife making me lunch every day.

What the...?

Who the fuck are you?

Woman: Felix?

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

The, uh, intended kidnap victim was having an affair

with a neighbor, and he is... or was a jiu jitsu instructor.

What are the chances?

He overpowered Carl and I shot him.

No, the jiujitsu instructor.

I know, it took me by surprise as well, big surprise.

We're still here.

No, nobody heard. If they had, they would've come by now.

We're safe, it's...

just, well, we got a body to move and it's daylight.

Uh-huh. I understand.

I do respect your orders. Not a hair.

She's, uh...

emotionally distressed, understandably so,

but in no way harmed.

Did I already miss her?

A minute ago. You want breakfast?

No, thank you. I already ate.

-What time's your appointment? -Three.

I can pick you up at work.

You know what? I want to go alone.

Why?

Man: Easy.

I'm gonna talk, you're gonna listen, okay?

Just so we're clear,

the people that we work for know where you live,

know where Alice goes to school,

know the address of her teacher Ms. Kennedy,

know your maid Maria's daily routine,

know your bartending schedule four times a week.

You understand?

Good. Sit down.

Last night, you spent some time

with Charlie Baudelaire in his hotel suite.

Next time you see him, we need a favor.

Engage Charlie in a little S&M.

Have him cuffed when we walk in, we'll take it from there.

We just wanna have a chat with him, that's all.

How does that sound to you?

Tell her the best part.

The best part is you get to walk away,

so does your daughter, her teacher, and your maid.

You do this for us, you walk out alive.

You don't, well...

we know where to find you, right?

Now, do I need to slap you around a little,

make sure you're grasping everything I'm telling you?

Do I need to drag your maid in here, hurt her?

You got nothing to say?

Maria's not my maid.

-Ms. Kowalski. -Jett: Ronnie.

-Jett: Thank you. -You're welcome.

Bennie. Carl.

Sight for sore eyes.

He's in the sort of mood only you can fix.

-His wife again? -What else?

Hmm.

It's scary how you read my mind.

What's so interesting out there?

Thinking about my friend Jacques McCabe.

Works as a tour guide in the Keys.

That's where you're originally from, isn't it?

-Gainesville. -Oh.

Right. I forgot.

A couple months back, Jacques is driving into Miami after the weekend.

Gets stuck in traffic.

Uh, some accident or something, the whole freeway's backed up,

and he's at the off-ramp, and he gets rear-ended

by this cherry 1971 Ford Pantera.

You're familiar with the Pantera?

Not to be a girl about it, but no.

Frankly, I'm surprised.

Given your line of work, I would have thought you'd stolen more than one.

-Former like of work. -Oh, former.

-Yes. -Mm-hmm.

The Pantera was exported to the United States

by the great Italian sports car manufacturer De Tomaso.

Problem is, they were so temperamental,

that even the king himself, allegedly, shot his when it wouldn't start.

In any case,

Jacques gets rear-ended by one, gets out of his car,

the owner of the Pantera is beside himself with grief.

Can't believe he's done this.

So they inspect both cars, and they realize

that there is absolutely, positively

no visible damage.

I mean, nothing whatsoever, not even a scratch.

But then, Pantera guy's wife gets out of the car,

and she says, oh, wait a minute.

Nobody moves till the cops arrive.

We're sticking to the letter of the law.

-Even though they're the one who rear-ended your friend? -Yeah!

So now, they're out there waiting an hour and a half.

Finally, cop comes. They explain what happened,

and this cop takes one look at the Pantera and he says,

"Are you kidding me?

"I'm not even gonna write this up, it's so dumb.

I suggest you get in your cars, and you go home."

Yesterday, Jacques is on the phone

with his insurance agent, and the agent says,

"Hey, do you remember that guy who rear-ended you

a couple months back?" "Yes."

"Well, 10 minutes after he got home,

he dropped dead from a brain hemorrhage."

-No way. -(scoffs)

Previous condition.

Totally unrelated freak coincidence.

But that means that this guy, thanks to his lovely wife,

spends his last hour and a half waiting for a cop to write

a non-ticket on a bogus non-accident.

It's beautiful, right?

I could just put these on you,

take your mind off such worrisome matters.

-Charlie: Who is it? -Dad? It's me.

All clear.

Come in.

We got 'em.

-Both of them? -Both of them.

-Dead? -Dead.

Whoa, whoa. Save the shoptalk for later.

I don't need all these details.

-How you doing, Jett? -Not too bad, Junior.

I'm signing off.

I'm sure you boys need your family time.

Wait, come here.

What you did tonight was above and beyond.

I won't forget it.

Don't mention it.

Here. For Alice.

-Buy her something nice to wear. -You don't need to do that.

Charlie: All it is, is exactly that, a gift for your daughter.

Please, take it as a token of my gratitude.

Jett?

My God, Jett Kowalski. (chuckles)

Um... You staying here?

In the hotel? No. I'm just... I'm meeting someone.

Oh, business.

I could ask you the same.

You could.

When'd you get out?

Four months ago. Good behavior.

Good behavior?

I'm surprised.

But I'm happy to hear that. You working?

-Part-time, bartending. -Bartending?