Nerdland

Tonight, at long last, the city of Los Angeles...

...and corporate sponsor the Fluffy Time Biscuit Company...

...will finally unveil the new, improved Hollywood Sign.

Hey.

Wake up.

- Elliot, wake up. - Oh, it's dick titty.

Oh, sorry. Morning, John.

Morning, Elliot.

You might want to wish me luck today.

Okay. Well, here it comes. Good luck, John.

Don't you wanna know why you're wishing me luck today?

Did you ask me to wish you luck?

I happen to have a very important meeting this afternoon...

...with Brett Anderson.

- Bullshit. - I do.

- Really? - I'm meeting Brett Anderson.

You're gonna meet Brett Anderson?

You're meeting the actor Brett fucking Anderson?

The star of Murder Games, Middle Name: Danger...

...and Rock Paper Scissors Murder. Seriously?

Could be our ticket to the big time.

- Oh, better not keep him waiting. - All right. All right. Hey, you...

You go knock him dead, Mr. Fancy Pants.

I'm gonna get some writing done before my shift.

Slave to a fickle muse, eh?

I leave you to it, my friend.

Okay.

Mocking white rectangle.

Agony of spinning yarns from nothing...

...but sheer imagination.

And for what?

For what?

Will anyone ever begin...

...to appreciate my genius?

Will they ever be worthy of it?

Don't think about that. Do your pages.

Do your pages.

Here we go.

Int. Strip Club. Day.

Naked ladies gyrate.

Y-R-A-T-E.

Their huge boobs are bouncing.

No, no.

Their bosoms.

Yes.

"Bosoms." Much classier.

Their bosoms bounce like great jiggly melons.

An angry old man enters the club.

This is Rip Van Winkle.

Van Winkle wears olden time clothing and... And a sleeping cap.

Yeah. Okay. His long, white beard reaches to the floor.

He brandishes a large...

...blunderbuss.

What kind of filthy, sinful world have I awakened to?

Van Winkle opens fire:

Okay. That's... That's enough for today. Stop when you're hot.

Ladies and gentlemen, the muse has left the building.

Won't be long now, Mo.

The teats are full inflatable.

No time for romance today, I'm afraid.

- It'll just have to be a... - Hello. Elliot?

It's Mrs. McCullers from next door.

John said you're home, and I've baked you my famous Lady Baltimore cake.

You baked...? You baked a cake? Oh, okay. Well, I'm...

I'm a bit indisposed right now, Mrs. McCullers.

Can...? Can you just leave it on the doorstep right there?

The birds will get it.

- What? - Penis.

Brett, this is John Truman.

Yeah, yeah. Nice to... Nice to meet you.

Five minutes, Mr. Truman.

Well, let's get down to...

To brass tacks, then.

Shall we? Okay. So...

...question one:

When you, yourself, go to the movies, Mr. Anderson...

Or Brett. May I call you Brett?

Yeah. Yeah. You know what?

I... I prefer you didn't.

I see. Well, as I was saying.

When you, yourself, attend a moving picture...

...what would you say is your favorite fountain drink?

- Pardon me? - Which beverage...

...do you find most refreshing, as a rule of thumb?

You know, I'm not really sure what this has to do with my new movie:

Rock Paper Scissors Murder...

...but you know, if you have any questions about this...

...gripping, psychological thriller...

- ...I'm glad to answer them. - Of course.

Moving on. Question two:

As both an artist and an aficionado of the cinema...

...do you prefer popcorn with or without butter-flavored topping?

Mr. Truman, exactly which publication do you represent?

I'm employed by Concessionaire Monthly.

Magazine of the theatrical food-service industry.

- Okay. You'd better come with me. - Okay. Yes, but you know what?

- If I could have one moment. - Please.

- I've got a screenplay you're perfect for. - Security.

- Oh, God. - Now, I didn't write it.

My roommate Elliot did.

But it's a real page-turner. It's a tad long, all right?

Four hundred pages, but it's dramatic and touching.

It's laugh-out-loud funny. Funny yet real.

It's about a UFO investigator played by you, who... Spoiler alert.

- ...falls in love with the alien he's chasing. - Time's up.

- Sweat outside, please. - Yes.

Brett, I'm not only a reporter, I'm also a fellow actor.

There's a part in the script. It's the investigator's skeptical sidekick.

These headshots will give you an idea of my range.

Listen, I have to ask... I'll get those.

Thank you, Brett. My number's with the materials. Call anytime.

Fired from separate jobs. Both of us.

On the exact same day again?

What are the odds of that happening three times?

Astronomical. But how could he have fired you, Elliot?

- I mean, why? - Who knows?

That sadistic son of a bitch has had me in his crosshairs since day one.

It could've been any of a hundred imagined transgressions...

...in that lunatic's head.

Dude, I've been fired from a video store, a bowling alley, a comic-book shop.

And an ice-cream parlor.

I'm running out of dream jobs.

Know what would lift our spirits?

Us brightening the girls' day with a surprise visit.

How can this many people be shopping in the middle of the week?

What are they all, welfare cheats and screenwriters?

Thought the economy's in the toilet.

Doesn't anyone have a job anymore?

Takers.

Hey, I heard we might discontinue the all-cotton knee-high.

What? Why? No way. Who said?

Yeah. Hey, but just keep it under your hat. Okay?

Mr. Kelly told me in the strictest of confidence.

Oh, it's such a sad day.

What are we gonna do tonight?

- Is Celebrity Jousting on? - We're DVR'ing it.

Yes. Good. Okay. All right. What about this?

We make over our busty lesbian avatars, go virtual clubbing...

...and watch the pervert feeding-frenzy.

AKA "Wednesday." Genius.

- Oh, God. - Afternoon, ladies.

- What's...? What's up? Hi. - Yeah. Hi.

Hello, Linda.

You...? You girls working hard or hardly working?

Excuse me. Sorry to walk in and interrupt...

...everybody talking to each other, enjoying...

Linda...

...register.

Thank you.

I... I didn't see you here yesterday.

That's because I wasn't here.

You know what you should do? You should make a...

You should Xerox your schedule.

Make a copy of it, and I'll have it with me so I'll always know...

No.

I'm helping customers. I can't stand around, talking to some random...

Oh, no problem. I'll just... I'll just do some shopping.

So...

- I was chilling with Brett Anderson today. - Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah. He's great. He's a great guy.

Really... Really nice. He's a little full of himself...

...to be honest.

And short. Shorter than he looks in the movies, for sure.

He stands... He's probably like 4'...

Like 4'2". Anyway, you know, he and I are considering taking a project...

- ...into active development together. - I don't care.

Yeah. Hey, before you... Before you flee, I have a question. I was just wondering...

Oh, God, I'm not good at this.

What I'm trying to say is...

You know what? I would love to...

I finally cracked that horror script I was telling you about.

Remember that one: Van Winkle?

It's... It's a present-day retelling...

...of Washington Irving's classic tale of Rip Van Winkle...

...which is public domain, but when he wakes up in my version...

...he finds modern society so objectionable...

...he starts killing everyone. I find it to be sort of a post-modern...

- $15.32, please. - You know what, Linda?

When are we gonna get together for another double-date?

That's what I wanna know.

We can't have another double-date because we never had one.

You just followed us to the movies and sat behind us.

Listen, Linda, I... I realize I'm no prize.

I... I mean, look at me, but...

...I want you to know, just maybe, one of these days...

...John and I are gonna do something special.

We're gonna make a name for ourselves.

- Will you go away now? - Anyhow, nice...

Nice seeing you. Bye.

No. Yo, you decide because every time I pick it, you don't like the place I pick...

- ...and it's a whole thing, so just... - No, no, no. Go on, really. It's fine.

- I'll settle for anything. - For any...? Oh, okay.

Well, how about Hamburger Junction?

Oh, seriously? Hamburger Junction?

We always eat at Hamburger Junction. I'm sick to death of Hamburger Junction.

What about Der Noodle?

No, we had German yesterday.

- Clucky's Chicken? - No.

- Snack World. - Oh, no.

- Pancake Brothers? - No.