Out of Her Mind

Here we go.

It's starting!

Thank you for coming, everyone!

Hello.

I'm the main character.

This is my story.

No! Not her.

There I am - the hero!

My name is Sara Pascoe,

and I'm going to destroy your faith in love.

MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS

Hey.

Yes? I was here the other night.

So, I was telling you about my sister.

You were so nice.

I can't give you any more free stuff.

No. Erm...

I just wanted to let you know that she doesn't have cancer.

That wasn't her big news. That's good.

Though, she might have it and not know it yet.

Any of us might.

When was your last smear test?

What do you want?

To say thank you.

Would you like anything to eat?

Do YOU want something?

Go on! Anything you'd like.

You're asking me to order food?

The special is spicy rice and black beans.

I'm glad your sister's OK.

She got engaged.

We have to stop her!

SHE CHUCKLES I'm joking.

Haven't you got friends you can talk to about this?

My best friend's name is also Sara.

Like me.

My name's Sara, and Sara's name is Sara.

Sara Cooper. So we call her Scoopy.

I've rung her 13 times and she hasn't answered.

I think she's at her job.

Scoopy's a cosmetic surgeon, so she has to concentrate.

PATRON CLEARS THROAT

She says, I have to learn... Come on.

..to respect people's boundaries and not turn up at their workplace

to go on and on about myself and my latest calamity.

Yeah. OK. Bye.

Scoopy's married, too.

Why?

She has me.

Thank you for FINALLY getting back to me.

It is quite a bloody big deal.

Can I have a yoghurt?

Eat them all. They're so disgusting. I don't know why I buy them.

I don't think that you understand the weight of what happened.

Lucy told me it was bad.

She shoved the ring in my face all proud,

and I took a deep breath and I said,

"Don't worry, I'm not going to say the wrong thing."

Yeah, right. Like when I told you I was pregnant?

I'll never even see you again!

The baby will always want to see you!

I'm over the baby now. I'm being really mature.

Are you? Can I home-school it?

No.

Your belly is getting bigger and bigger, and it feels

like it's pushing me away.

So, what happened with Lucy?

I'm getting married!

D...

I was trying so hard not to say the wrong thing

that I couldn't say anything.

It's good that you're trying. Do you have any spoons?

I am trying.

Why didn't you just say, "Congratulations, Lucy"?

I didn't think of that. There were so many things I was suppressing.

I didn't want to bring up conflict in the Congo,

and how problematic diamonds are.

Where are your spoons? Even though they are.

OK. Can you say something, though?

You've been staring at my hand for eight minutes.

Yeah...

Spoon.

Diamonds are shining beads of bloodshed.

That's not engagement chat!

Yeah. Also, I decided not to tell her what I thought when I looked

at her hand, which was,

"Oh, God, we're all skeletons with meat on us."

Wow. I'm really trying to hear things in my head first,

like you recommended.

Do you want to move back in?

No. You can. I don't mind.

I'll tell Steve for you.

What, that I'm leaving him?

You tried it. It didn't work out.

We could call the baby Sara after both of us.

You don't have any spoons.

Is that the only reason?

Because I will get some.

I don't know why you're finding Lucy's engagement so hard.

Like...just be happy for people.

Why? Because you care about them.

No, that's what I said to her.

Why?

Cos we love each other, and we... Why?

Can you...can you just listen to me?

Stefan and I, we're just... I don't know,

we're just meant to be together.

Yeah, but why?

Because we want to.

Yes. But why?

Give me one good reason.

He makes me feel amazing.

So? Loads of stuff makes you feel amazing. You're being a baby.

Getting free crisps from the vending machine makes you feel amazing.

This isn't about crisps. And then... This is about the rest of my life.

..they didn't drop down because you'd stolen them.

Oh, my God. You need to get over that. I was nine.

It's the principle.

Ha-ha! Oh, you need to grow up.

I honestly thought, out of all of the people in the world

you'd get it.

What happened to you doesn't happen to everyone.

What happened to me?

Enlightenment.

Seeing the truth.

I really fancy some crisps now.

I'm trying to protect you, Lucy.

There's absolutely no logical reason to marry anyone.

Spare me the lecture. All right?

Which gave me an idea.

I should give my sister a persuasive, well-constructed lecture

to persuade her not to get married.

Dopamine, phenethylamine, oxytocin and vasopressin.

These are some of the hormones and neurotransmitters

that we feel as love.

Dopamine motivates us.

It makes us obsessed with the objects of our affections,

whether that's Adam or Eve or Steve.

Then, once we're paired up,

phenethylamine makes us buzzy and blissful -

can't sleep, can't eat,

can't stop boring others

with how happy you are, how the world has more colours now,

how music really means something.

This is not because you have finally met the one -

it's your brain on phenethylamine.

By all means, enjoy it, because...

..it wears off.

Today's special in aisle 5 is snake meat.

Tastes just like chicken.

But thanks to the vasopressin and oxytocin that are released by sex

and intimacy, bonding may continue for many years.

This is what I wanted to explain to Lucy.

Though we call it love,

it's really just a set of biological triggers and responses.

It's no more romantic than digestion and excretion,

but I had to tell her that really quickly because she was leaving.

I had to condense it into...

"Your relationship is shit."

CUSTOMERS GIGGLE

It came out wrong.

Did you ever get me tested for autism?

Maybe I'm on the spectrum, and everyone's being really mean to me.

Sara, really, shut up.

Mum! Stop finding yourself so fascinating and help me find the...

What?

You just stopped halfway through a sentence. No, I didn't.

Is this the menopause?

Can't find them. What?

My photo albums from when I married your dad.

I need them for inspiration.

Didn't you do a fire ritual?

I've got to start planning. You burned them all, Mum.

And I'm not menopausal.

Er, I think you are.

DOORBELL CHIMES Oh, the bride to be!

Shit.

Oh!

You promised she wouldn't be here!

Congratulations, Lucy!

She just turned up. I didn't invite her.

Mum! Well, you did. I am allowed to come round.

I wanted to apologise to you, Lucy. Cos Scoops told you to.

Because I didn't react correctly.

She said you didn't have any cutlery in your house.

She's my friend.

Can you stop texting her?

Get your own friend!

I don't have any friends.

They just sleep with your husband.

Give me your hand.

Congratulations and well done.

You're going to be someone's wife. Stefan's!

Yeah, I know. Why do you have to bring him up all the time?

Oh, God.

Glass.

By the way, Luce, if Stefan ever sleeps with one of your friends...

Mum! .. or anyone else, for that matter...

Mum! ..I'll castrate him.

Mum, he wouldn't.