Big Trouble

God said to Noah, "I am going to put an end to all people

"for the Earth is filled with violence because of them.

"You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures

to keep them alive with you."

In other words, life is hard,

so you better find someone who will be your partner.

Eliot Arnold's story is a lot like Noah's,

except Eliot's story takes place in Miami.

You just can't beat these when they're really fresh.

Anyway, Eliot should probably tell you exactly what happened,

because I was locked in the trunk of a police car for part of it.

My name's Puggy, and I live in a tree.

I hope I didn't ruin anything for you.

Man: I Iook at this ad,

and it doesn't say "Fish Hook Ale" to me.

This sucks.

Bruce, what I'm trying to do --

Do you know what my business philosophy is?

No, Bruce, what is it?

My business philosophy

is that there a lot of people in the world.

That certainly isn't --

And all these people want something.

Do you know what they want?

Well, I --

They want to feel good. You know what I mean?

Yeah, well, I --

No, you don't know what I mean,

because I gave you the perfect concept,

which is not this piece of shit here!

What the hell is this?!

Why are you saying "ugly"?!

I don't want to see ugly!

That's not the feeling I want!

Bruce, W-What I'm doing here

is -- is contrast in a humorous fashion.

"Get hooked on Fish Hook" -- that's the concept!

You got a guy and a boat and a girl.

The girI's in a bikini. She has big tits.

They're on a boat, getting shitfaced, drinking Fish Hook Ale.

The girl has really big tits!

The feeling of this ad is somebody's going to get laid.

It's perfect. I gave you the perfect concept.

And you give me ugly?!

All right, all right, Bruce, I'll try --

No, no. Don't tell me "try. " I hate the word "try. "

"Try" is for losers.

Listen to me, you are not the only ad agency in this town!

Eliot: A year ago, I had a nice house,

a beautiful wife, and a job I really loved.

Now I was being called a loser by "this" guy.

For 18 years, I wrote a column for "The Miami Herald --"

funny stories the higher-ups referred to as "offbeat."

Deeber wants to see you.

Eliot: Because I'd won two Pulitzer Prizes for my offbeat stories,

I was pretty much left alone

and treated with a great deal of respect...

until Ken Deeber came.

- - Eliot...

John Croton tells me you still haven't turned anything in

on the day-care crisis.

Yeah, Ken, Iisten, I figure with five peopIe

already working on the day-care crisis story,

our readers pretty much know there's a crisis in day care.

- Eliot, you were given an assignment. -- I know that.

The pelican story?

Right. No one else has it.

This old Cuban guy is training pelicans --

To drop bombs -- the most asinine thing I ever heard.

Come on. He tried to kill Castro with a bird!

Eliot, I gave you an assignment, and you will do it.

Or what, Ken?

Well, if you want to continue working at this newspaper,

you will put something in here before you go home.

Why don't I put something in there right now?

Eliot: Deeber picked the wrong day to be a jerk.

[Glass shatters, electricity crackles]

Earlier that day, I had found out

my wife was having an affair with her tennis instructor.

In retrospect,

I should have written the day-care crisis piece

and never opened Eliot Arnold Advertising.

And if you think I'm gonna pay for this stupid shit,

you can forget it!

I'm not paying for ugIy! I can get ugIy for free!

It goes without saying, Bruce.

Eliot.

Dad, I need to borrow the Geo tonight.

Hello, Nigel. How's London?

NigeI?

Foggy.

Ah, could you hold on, Nigel, just for a moment?

This is a really important call -- long-distance.

Listen, I want to see it tomorrow, and it better be right!

All right, Bruce. I think we got it, uh, well on its way!

- Good! -

Hey, Matt, how you doing?

Dad, can w-we borrow the stupid Geo tonight or not?

Because me and Andrew have to kill a girl.

"Andrew and "I" have to kill a girl."

Thank you.

Yes, you can borrow the Geo tonight,

but I need it back at my apartment at, uh, 10:30, okay?

- Okay. -- And I want you to promise me that you'll drive --

...carefully.

Eliot: Matt wasn't mad at me because of the divorce.

He was mad because I bought a Geo.

Sweet little vehicle.

Just get divorced?

Ah, it doesn't matter.

42 miles to the gallon, am/fm radio.

I'll even throw in the undercoating.

Anything else you'd like to know?

Yeah. How many clowns can it hold?

Eliot: To Matt, the Geo was a 48-mile-per-gallon symbol

of my bad luck, wrong choices, and missed opportunities.

Little did I know that my shot at a second chance

had just arrived in Miami

onboard Flight 57 from New Orleans.

The suitcase was sandwiched between

a quarter-ton of frozen crawfish

and a dalmatian that gave birth to a litter of 17

over Lake Okeechobee.

The dalmatian made the evening news.

The suitcase didn't.

What is it?

It looks like a garbage disposal.

So this is Miami, huh?

They can keep it.

You got that right.

Eliot: That's a Remington 30-aught-6 hunting rifle

with a Bushnell scope.

Charlton Heston takes his to shoot bighorn elk.

Henry Desalvo and Leonard Ferroni

take theirs to shoot "anyone,"

as long as they're paid 25 grand apiece.

We play with a guy that cheats.

Eliot: Actually, Henry and Leonard didn't play golf at all.

Will you come on? We've got an early tee time.

Eliot: They were in Miami to kill a man named Arthur Herk,

who had stolen money from his employer.

Puggy arrived in Miami

the same day as the hit men and the suitcase,

but for a much different reason.

A week earlier, at his place in Boston,

Puggy read an article in "Martha Stewart's Living"

that said Miami had some of the finest Cuban restaurants

in the entire world.

Since Fritos were his favorite food

and corn chips as close to Cuban cuisine

as Puggy had ever eaten,

he decided to hop a fishing boat and check it out.

Puggy could not have been happier.

After only 20 minutes in Miami, Puggy was already thinking

that this had to be the warmest, friendliest place on Earth.

You stink.

[Woman talking indistinctly on television]

Beer and a bag of Fritos.

Man on television: She ran track for 10 years.

Woman on television: She definitely has the legs...

Out.

I teII you once before, you two, out!

Look, man, we got money,

and we'll take however this much here will get us.

Ass-wipe.

Eliot: Snake Dupree and Eddie Leadbetter

had met two years earlier

at the state prison just outside Louisville.

They hit it off immediately, having similar tastes in humor.

Ass-wipe.

[Indistinct voices on television continue]

Man on television: You know,

I don't know how long she's been into strength conditioning.

But she's been into conditioning for a long time

because she ran track for 10.

Woman on television: Listen to the crowd. They are so into it.

Hey.

Hmm?

Is there a problem, chief?

Give me that back.

- Uh! -

Ugh!

Sh--

Oh.

Ohh!

Look, man, this ain't your problem.

You are problem.

Out.

He broke my ankle.

- I break your head. - I'm going.