Tales from the Crypt

Good evening, fiend fans...

and welcome to my crawly crypt.

This little drama...

is about one of life's unexpected pleasures:

Dying, that is.

Most of us only get to do it once...

and it's all over before you can really enjoy it.

But one man did get to die again.

And he liked it so much he started doing it for a living.

This is the story of Ulric the Undying...

a sideshow performer...

who found death not only fun, but profitable.

In fact, he is dying to put on a show for you...

right now.

Come, gather round. Come from far, come from near.

Gather round, folks, right over here.

Come see the show. 100% natural, nothing artificial...

guaranteed no pesticides, but perhaps a homicide.

Tonight, a special show, two shows in one.

The tragedy of death and the miracle of resurrection!

Tonight, this man, our very own Ulric the Undying...

will be sealed into a coffin...

and buried in a grave six feet under to await his inevitable expiration...

by the grasp of suffocation.

I call your attention to the clock, which hangs above his grave.

Ulric will be buried alive at precisely the stroke of midnight.

But we're not gonna let him out until noon tomorrow...

at which time his precious oxygen will have been exhausted.

Folks, this is an escape...

that Houdini himself couldn't have gotten out of.

I give to you Ulric the Undying!

Ulric!

When they dig me up, I'll be dead.

Just like all those bastards want me to be.

But I won't stay that way.

I remember the day it all began.

Who are you?

How would you like to be rich?

Get out.

Richer than you ever thought possible. Richer than you ever dreamed of.

This money, my life's savings, will be yours...

if you consent to a small experiment.

Yes, my friend. Come.

Wait a minute. What is it?

This, you'll pardon the term, is a CAT scan.

It shows the blood flow into the brain of a healthy house cat.

This shows the brain of a cat near death.

Now, what's your point, Doc?

My point is that this cat didn't die, not permanently.

An hour later, he was healthy as a kitten.

And the same thing happened again and again until the ninth time...

when he finally stayed dead.

Different cat?

- What's all this got to do with me? - Well, I...

I want to give you those nine lives, the next best... Don't touch!

The next best thing to being immortal. It's a simple matter, really.

Removing a gland from a common cat...

and surgically grafting it into your brain.

Wait. Into my brain?

So I can die nine times. Now you're making sense, Doc!

Precisely.

And this is where you're going to do it?

I'm going to get your gland.

And these are the tools of the profession.

Wait a minute.

If this don't work...

If it doesn't work, you'll have no complaints.

Holy Christ!

I've had hangovers before, but this is terrible.

My head.

Wait a minute, Doc. You didn't say you were gonna shave my head.

- How do you feel? - Shitty.

Doc, did it work?

Absolutely. Fabulous. Fantastic.

You now have the nine lives of this poor cat.

Wait a minute.

How do I know I've got nine lives?

- This ought to kill you. - No, Doc!

There's no doubt about it.

No!

Welcome back to life, friend.

You bastard. You tried to kill me!

I didn't try to kill you, I did kill you.

Deader than Kelsey's nuts.

You can still die eight more times.

All right, if that's true...

when do I get my money?

As I promised, right now.

But before you stagger into the nearest bar...

to slurp down your money...

how would you like to make hundred times more?

A thousand times?

- No! What else do you want to do to me? - Nothing, dear boy.

I just thought perhaps your special talent...

could make us both lot of money.

Enough to finance my years of my longevity research...

and enough, of course, to buy you an ocean of alcohol.

What have I got to do?

First thing, you shave, and try not to cut your own throat.

Those extra lives are too valuable to waste.

Why not? Lt'd be worth millions.

No, I'm not interested. I've seen escape acts.

The only thing that disappears is the audience.

But Ulric the Undying is different.

You see, he doesn't escape, he actually dies right before your eyes.

That's why we can only schedule a limited number of performances.

- He dies? - Yes.

Okay, Strangelove, I'll give it a shot.

I hope it works. I can use the money.

My freaks need a new shoe.

Gather round, gather round...

as Ulric the Undying defies the drowning chamber...

a watery nightmare from which there is no escape.

Three minutes is enough to kill any mere mortal...

but Ulric will remain underwater for a full hour...

as verified by the eminent Dr. Manfred Mann.

- Dr. Emil Manfred. - Whatever you say, Doc.

Ulric, are you ready?

- Are you ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.

Okay, boys. Fill her up.

Ladies and gentlemen, as the water engulfs Ulric...

I beg you to control your emotions.

Make no move to save him!

You want to have dinner with me later?

...he was a child prodigy who spent his early years...

Dinner.

...I'll be lying.

Dinner with me later? Dinner? Eat?

You want to eat with me later?

After you're dead? I'll wait here, okay?

Speed it up.

That's it.

He's deader than a possum on the Interstate.

He's deader than shit!

Don't worry, folks, we're gonna still keep him in there for a full hour!

May I have the official clock?

He's dead. He is officially dead.

Thank you, Dr. Manfred.

Drain the tank. This may seem like Ulric's last performance.

But don't go away yet, folks.

For Ulric is a man who lives only to die again.

I give you resurrection.

Resurrection!

- Is he gonna come back for dinner? - Of course.

Resurrection! Doc?

- Resurrect! Resurrection! - You better come back!

Come back.

Folks, don't go away. Doc!

Doc, you get in trouble in some states for this.

- Resurrection! - Resurrection!

- Folks, don't go away. - Resurrection!

I'd be happy to give you a rain check.

Resurrection!

Shut the fuck up. Folks, listen to me.

What the hell happened in there?

How could you let him do it? It's your fault he's dead.

It's his fault I'm rich!

- What's your name, honey? - Coralee.

How would you like to have some Italian food? I'm buying.

Good.

- Doc, get me a towel. - He's alive!

I'm resurrected!

Resurrection! He's alive!

Gather round!

Just think, Doc.

$10,000 just to let them watch me drown on the 10:00 news.

Don't forget, Ulric, that 60% goes to continue my longevity research.

Doc, relax. We got a partnership...

and I got a date.

Hi.

That's one thing I'll say for old Doc Manfred.

He wasted no time getting me killed again.

Gather round, gather round for a little frontier justice...

as our own Ulric the Undying is gonna have a little necktie party...

as he gets his neck stretched before our very eyes.

Seems like a nice day to die.

I became a sensation.

Crowds would gather from miles around just to see me bite the big one.

Hey, how is it going? Nice to come back. Seen you last time.

Ladies, gentlemen, Texans, and other faint-hearted...

may want to turn your eyes away...

from this horrible example of what happens...

when you do the dirty in the dirty town of Dastardly.

- Pull the lever. Pull it. - I said I don't wanna do it.

Coralee, pull the lever.

- You do it. - Pull it.

There's not much riding upstairs, but downstairs is what counts.

- Coralee, pull the lever. - I don't wanna do it.

He's dead!

He's alive.

Coralee, the rope. Grab the rope. I don't want to waste a life.

There's an awful lot of money in dying, isn't there?

- As long as I get my percentage. - Doc, no problem.

After all, you're the guy counting the money.

All I want is my share.

- Hi, baby. - Hi, baby.

Doc, thanks a million.

I want to see Mr. Friendly.

I figured it was time to boost my profits.

So I waited just for the right moment.