The Mindy Project

After a lifetime of searching,

I've finally found my perfect man.

He's cute, fun, and he loves to cuddle.

He's a little young, but we have so much in common.

We watch all the same shows.

Thanks for turning me on to this show, Leo.

I just wish the mysteries

weren't so hard.

And when we go out,

he always gets me special treatment.

Do you mi... thank you, thank you.

Here, take those. You're such a nice guy.

If... do you mind putting this in the back.

Would you? Thank you.

But when we stay in, that's when it gets

real intimate.

Do you like bath time?

And he's really into my body, especially my boobs.

Hey, come on.

Don't talk about the kid like that.

It's gross. - I'm sorry.

I'm just... I'm so obsessed with him.

I didn't think it was possible to love someone more than you,

but then Leo came around, and I was like,

"Danny, who dat?"

I know what you mean.

I'm excited for you to stop by work tomorrow.

Be good for everyone to get to know the little guy.

It'd be good for Leo's immune system

to be around Morgan.

- Oh, I miss the old gang. Tamra, Jeramery...

Jeremy. - Hmm.

- My God, is maternity leave over that soon?

It went by so fast.

You're not ready to go back yet?

'Cause you don't have to go back to work if you don't want.

Ever? - Sure, why not?

- I don't know, Danny. Be a stay-at-home mom?

What would the stay-at-home moms that I cyber-bully

on Pinterest say?

- Look, I just think it's gonna be a lot harder

to go back than you think.

Being a working mom is really tough.

I don't know. According to movie posters,

it's just like carrying a briefcase and a baby bottle

at the same time.

- Well, look, I just want you and Leo to be happy.

That's it. - Danny, I love working.

I've always worked. I didn't change

just 'cause I had a kid. I'll always make time for Leo,

my sexy little boy-toy that...

Okay, I heard it then. - Yeah.

Oh, sweetie. You're hungry again?

I just fed you. All right.

Well, you certainly got Mom's appetite.

God, what's in these? Chocolate milk?

Ugh. My God.

Sir? Is everything okay?

Were you... were you groining at moi?

- No offense, ma'am, but there is a time and a place

for that. - Okay.

Like it's so horrible for you to have to stare

at my gorgeous cans.

- It's just that, most people consider the subway

a public space, except for you,

and this Asian fellow clipping his toenails.

Okay, that Asian fellow's name is Henry,

and he happens to be my friend.

Keep doing you, Henry.

And guess what, pal?

No man tells me what to do with my body.

Only women's magazines can do that.

- Well, that's the trouble with women like you.

You confuse exploitation with empowerment.

Are strip clubs empowering? No.

Is Hooter's restaurant empowering?

I don't think so.

For my 40th birthday, when I hired

two Georgia State cheerleaders to wrestle in barbecue sauce,

was that empowering? It most certainly was not.

It was fun, though.

Those girls had a good time.

So, I ask you, ladies and gentlemen,

now how is what this woman is doing any different?

Is it? all: Yeah.

- Okay, first of all, I do think Hooters is empowering.

I've been there several times and had a great meal.

Second of all, God gave me these breasts.

Well, God and Dr. Yim's Miracle Breast Cream,

but I can do whatever I want with them, okay?

Put them away.

You know what, I'll do it. - Thank you.

If I wanted to see a Gauguin painting,

I would have gone to the museum.

Yeah!

Guess what, pal? Joke didn't land,

'cause I don't know who that is.

Okay, that's not nice.

Hey, Tamra, I need your help.

I got Mindy a little present

for enduring the pains of labor.

It's called a push present, Grandpa.

- I thought you said push presents were B.S.

propagated by the "Today" show and "Big Bracelet."

Yeah, that was before Mindy squeezed out

the love of my life.

Anyway, this is what I got her.

Check this out.

[Smokey Robinson's "Tears of a Clown" plays]

- Stop the damn music. What the hell was that?

It's a dance. Worked before.

Dr. L just had your baby.

No woman wants a dance as a push present.

I don't care how good a dancer you are.

I don't care if you're Michael.

Jackson?

Flatley. The Lord of the Dance, ugh.

You're racist.

- Look, I'll... I'll get her a nice present.

Thanks for the help. I appreciate it.

Two days of choreography down the tubes.

I have never been so offended in my life.

Oh, how I have missed that sound.

Hey, guys. Hey, Jeramery.

So today, when I was on the subway,

I was shamed for breastfeeding.

Oh, my God. Finally some class in this...

What is Leo doing here?

What? - Why did you bring him?

I thought you were rolling solo.

Huh? - Nothing.

Hey, what's up, Leo? How you doing, dude?

Ooh, look at the cute little baby.

There he is. Put her there, partner...

No! Get off! Get off!

Everybody get off. - Okay.

Purell, okay? - Really?

- Just washed minutes ago. - Let's do it again.

Okay. - Congratulations.

He's very dark.

All aboard the Daddy Express.

- I just want to say, I've worked here for years,

and I've never been offered a ride on Dad Express.

- Mindy, I'm sure Danny told you we hired a new doctor and nurse,

Jody and Colette. - You're gonna love them.

Jody wears cool-ass suits,

and Colette started Thirsty Thursdays.

- Oh, yet, when I suggested we do Martini Monday Mornings,

I was called a "alcoholic."

You know what? They must be really cool.

- Well, naa... they're... they're kinda cool,

but they're not... they're not this cool.

Ho!

Ugh, ugh. -

Oh! - Aah!

What were you even trying to do?

Hey, why is all the extra toilet paper

in my office? - Okay.

When you're not around, we just don't go through

as much. - How is that possible?

There's two new people here. - I know.

I don't know what to tell you.

I'm sorry.

Oh, my God, I missed you so much!

Your maternity leave has been hell for me.

As it should be, but don't worry.

I'll be back next week full-time.

Full-time. That's what I'm talking about.

I thought you were gonna wuss out and cut your hours

like those moms who love their kids.

- Well, I mean, some nights I'll want to go home early.

Go home early? What are you, crazy?

For the past two months, I have single-handedly

been running that fertility practice of yours.

I know, and I really appreciate it.

- No, you shouldn't. I've been doing a bad job.

I mixed up the eggs.

What? - Yeah, it's a bad situation.

You need to come back here full-time, dude.

- I just know... I've been spending so much time with Leo,

I hadn't really thought about coming back

to two full-time jobs and raising a baby.

- And yeah, I just, I don't... I don't think

putting Leo up for adoption is the right answer.

What? - "It's not the answer,"

is what I said. - No.

- No, obviously. - You know what Danny said?

He said that maybe I should be a stay-at-home mom.

Yeah, but, you're all about work.

That's why you don't give me holidays off.

- I don't know, Morgan. Maybe Danny's right.

I mean, I'm already so stressed out.

You should have heard that jerk on the subway this morning.

- Good morning, everybody.

If I did, knuckle sandwich on rye.

Hey, Tamra. - Wait, I can hear that jerk.

He's here. - Oh, it's punching time.

Oh, my God, it's him. It's him.

Hey, man. Hey, hi, remember me?

What the hell are you doing here?