Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce

- Previously on "Girlfriends Guide to Divorce"...

Jake dropped a huge bomb on me yesterday.

Becca is pregnant.

Oh, my God.

I almost made out with my boss. - What?

- Frumpkis? - Hey, Jo.

Who the hell are you,

and what have you done with my fat, dirtbag ex?

- I closed on a house. We're moving here.

I want to be closer to Zooey-- me and Charlene.

Over my dead body!

- I want to move in with Dad. - What?

I respect you,

and I value our professional relationship--

Harris just stood me up.

- You went on two dates with the doctor.

- You didn't show up tonight.

Did I do something wrong?

Go home, Abby.

- Lilly, could you get that please?

Lilly?

Okay.

Hey, Mom.

- Hey, honey. How's it going over there?

Yeah, she's cranky

that she has to hang out with her little brother.

- This is supposed to be my time with dad before he goes away.

We were supposed to do something fun--just us.

- I know, but I have to go to this event in New York

to sell my book.

You didn't even write it yet.

- The ABA is where you go to promote your book

so that the booksellers

can decide if they like it and want to sell it.

Okay, you know what? Not the point.

He's your brother, Lilly,

and it's only for two days, so nut up.

I need to talk to your dad.

- Dad. - Hmm?

Hey.

- Sorry to leave you with all that.

Please, you are so not.

Free trip to New York, six hours on a plane,

business class, come on.

Busted.

I was so looking forward to six hours with a Xanax

and a warm chocolate chip cookie, but I think I spaced

and I think I put my pills in my Charlie's bag.

- Oh, my God. - That's why I called.

You have to get it out of there.

- Oh, sh-- - They have a childproof cap--

Hello? Jake, are you there?

Hello? Jake?

Yeah, I got 'em.

- God, there's too much in my brain.

- Um, can you--can you talk for a minute real quick?

- Oh, no, I have to jump. Sorry, can it wait?

Lilly, stop it.

- Charlie, Lilly! - What?

- Jake? - Yeah, everything's fine.

Um... - Okay.

- Have a great trip. - Okay.

Stop it! Lilly!

My truck!

- I thought this was a sweat lodge.

- Oh, no, those are so inefficient.

With this intensive infrared heat,

you will experience detox, calorie burn,

and emotional health.

- I prefer to burn calories the Puerto Rican way,

by screaming at people.

- Jo, give heat a chance. - Why?

Why can't we just bitch at room temperature?

- Because you need to de-stress.

You've been going through a lot. Me too.

I'm starting SMC this week.

- Look at you, college girl. - What are you taking?

- Gender Now! Women's studies.

I'm easing into it with something I get, and plus,

I'm like a hundred years older than the rest of the students,

so I think I have an advantage.

- Yeah, you know, being more mature has its up sides.

You don't have to join a sorority.

- Or do keg stands. - Ignore her.

Just try to keep it in your pants for one semester.

You're there to work.

God, why do I sound so judgey?

- Because, hypocrite, you are sexually harassing your boss.

- Oh, yeah, how was the fallout with Albert?

- So nothing. We never kissed.

It was just 'cause we were working closely

on a sperm case.

It was practically work porn.

Did you tell Gordon?

- Honestly, I've had zero time to tell Gordon anything.

I'm moving into his place next week.

- Okay, either my ears are melting

or I just heard you say "I am rushing things with Gordon

"because I almost played hide the pastrami

with little Albert."

- Jo, maybe you should just chill out.

- I can't in this burning space burrito.

I've had it. This is ridiculous.

I'm over this. - Oh.

- Frumpkis's new wife is coming to the bakery today,

and this whole "Have a nice attitude toward the person

who effed up your life" is bullshit.

You have to for Zooey.

Okay, are we done here?

Because I'm really over people telling me what is good for me.

- Jo, we just got here. - Oh, my God.

- Okay, just unplug me. Girls...okay, I'm over it.

I've got this. I've got this.

What are you doing?

Cleaning up for our guests.

- It's Frumpkis and Scarlett O'Whore-a,

not Prince Henry and Kate.

It's just a quick hello to let Zooey know

that we can all be in the same room together

without it turning into the Red Wedding.

Mm-hmm.

I'll hide the knives.

Charlene, this is my mom.

- Hi! - Hi.

- Oh, can I just say it is truly lovely of you to have me here?

- It makes sense for us to all be adults here for Zooey.

- Absolutely, but Zooey, darling,

you didn't do justice to this place.

It's so gritty.

- So you guys just moved to Hancock Park, huh?

They let Jews in there now? That's amazing.

- Oh, we got the most embarrassing white colonial.

I told Robert, I said,

"A southern person cannot be living there,"

but he just didn't listen.

Robert, okay.

- Yeah, it's right near the tennis club,

so Zooey can actually walk to her lessons.

- Hold on, you guys have lived here ten minutes,

and you already joined a club?

Frumpki don't play tennis.

- But Zooey's a natural. - Oh.

- You should come for lunch one day and watch.

I will check my iCal.

Sort of busy during the day

running a bakery and all, you know?

- Oh, and you must be the sweet genius, Scott.

Oh, my goodness, what are those?

I need one in my mouth right now.

- I call these Bite-Me Pops.

That is so wrong.

- Ooh, oh, they are just so naughty.

Ooh, mmm, mmm, they are just divine.

Robert, honey, you've got to-- - No, I don't--

Oh, okay.

Yum-yum.

- It just feels like a sin not to have them with a nice

big glass of cold milk.

Mm, you know what would be the cutest idea?

A milk machine, you know,

like a soda machine but with pint-sized bottles of milk?

What do you think?

Oh...

- I think that's great. - Yeah, me too.

- I will put it in... the suggestion box.

- Great suggestion. - Right there.

- Great. Great. - Oh!

You are hilarious.

All right, all right,

we will let you get back to the grindstone.

I truly hope you will find some time

to come and have lunch with us at the club soon.

- Ma'am. Right this way.

- Cat! - Oh!

Hey! - Hi.

Hi.

Wow, this place is mobbed.

Oh, yeah, every YouTube star

or their star pet is here hawking some book or other,

which is why we need to

get yours to pub. - Can I get a photo?

Thank you.

We need to get the chains to order, like,

100,000 copies of your book, minimum.

No pressure.

- No, no, no, you're gonna be fine.

We've gotten you invited to some really good events

where you'll go and do that Abby thing that you do.

Oh, before I forget, here's your welcome kit.

Oh, Helen Fielding.

- Again. - Helen, Helen!

Harris, hi.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

I'm here for the conference.

I'm selling my book.

- You have a book coming out? Did I know that?

"Global House Calls."

I spent a year visiting

the most unhealthy countries in the world.