Santa Clarita Diet

Oh, my God! Is that Carl's heart? Did you kill Carl?

- I don't know. Maybe? - How could you not know?

I saw him in the parking lot

and he was yelling at me and then I woke up here.

It must be some kind of a blackout.

- You have no memory of what happened? - No. Nothing.

Okay. Maybe that's not a human heart.

Maybe that's an animal heart. That would be so great and totally legal.

Definitely human. Fresh from the chest.

This sucks! This really sucks!

I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at the situation.

Where did you put the body?

"Situation"?

"The situation" doesn't remember.

Come on, let's get you inside and figure out what to do.

- Where's my other boot? - I don't know.

Is there even the slightest chance you traded it for a human heart?

Carl's not here, just some leftover Nazis and a chunk of Serb.

Gary said you didn't go to the other unit either.

Then he told me a story about meeting Paul Shaffer at a car wash.

It was actually pretty funny.

- Honey. - Yeah, it can wait.

He had this super tiny cat with him.

Remind me later. All right, it's almost morning.

We'll go to the office like normal. If Carl shows up, great.

If we hear that he's dead, we'll act surprised.

- Oh, God, that's crazy. - You have a better idea?

- No, that was me acting surprised. - No way. Seriously?

- Yeah. Pretty good, right? - That was me acting surprised.

Oh, nice. We got this.

Hey, it's Carl Coby. Leave me a message.

Pat, what do I press when I'm done? Pat!

Hey, it's Sheila. I felt bad I missed the meeting,

so I wanted to leave you a recording of where I was yesterday.

I addressed a problem with my daughter from 2:00 to 5:00,

had dinner with my husband from 5:00 to 7:00,

then went to bed where I stayed until morning.

I hope you're well. Love you.

Yeah, I'm not looking forward to hearing that at the trial.

He's not here and Pat hasn't heard from him.

Plus, he missed his first meeting this morning.

Oh, God, I killed him.

After he yelled at you yesterday, you must've snapped,

brought him to another location, attacked him, and ripped out his heart.

Oh, fuck! I didn't even get to enjoy it. Just straight to consequences.

It's like pushing cake all the way down your throat, right to your thighs.

This is the second coworker we've killed.

- When they find Carl's body... - That's it. I'm going to prison.

I'm so sorry, honey.

We're not giving up. You're not going to prison.

I love you.

- I'm gonna miss you so much. - Don't talk like that.

Promise me you'll find that clam distributor

and figure out what caused this so it won't happen to anyone else.

I will. No, we will.

And when Abby gets married, there should be peach roses everywhere.

She'll say it's too much, but don't listen to her.

God damn it!

You didn't kill Carl.

- I didn't kill Carl. - Hotcha!

Wait. Then who did you kill?

Some random person! That's still not great.

Sheila, what the fuck happened to you yesterday?

- Hey, Joel. - Carl.

I see you in the parking lot, and then you just drive away?

I mean, I couldn't pitch your bullshit eco-homes to the investor.

I had to pull a "Mad Men" and take him to a strip club all night.

But isn't it great that you're healthy enough to enjoy the female form?

All you had to do was show up and not be a know-it-all.

You couldn't even do that.

I'm sorry, Carl.

But you know what? The last few days have been impossible.

You want me to be your meek yes-woman, but that's not who I am anymore.

I have opinions, and that's a good thing,

because a workplace is stronger when everybody has a voice.

Yeah, that sounds like a pain in the ass. You're fired.

What? You're firing us?

No, just you. Joel can stay.

Uhh...

I rescheduled the meeting with the investor for 5:00 tonight.

Can you make it?

Uhh...

Great.

He's alive.

Carl took me by surprise. I didn't know what to say!

How about, "Sheila and I are a team, Carl. We've always been a team."

And I would sooner slit my throat than betray my goddess wife."

He cut me off. I would've gotten there. So, any thoughts on who you did kill?

Uh...

Are you thinking about it or just doing me?

Uh...

Oh, I get it. Is this gonna be a thing?

Uh...

Oh, my God. It could be the police! I'm going to jail.

We'll fight this, sweetheart. It's a disease. It wasn't your fault.

Don't you dare spend a penny of Abby's college fund on my legal team.

It's Lisa!

Oh, thank God.

I know you're home. Pull out, pull out, wherever you are.

Wow.

Thank you, Sheila!

You're welcome?

I thought about what you told me last night, and I'm gonna do it!

Hooray?

Do you guys have any milk? I can't keep any in the house.

Eric goes through like a gallon a day.

- What did you tell her? - I don't know!

- Your guess is as good as mine. - I don't think so, honey. You were there.

- Did you tell Joel yet? - Not yet.

Well, tell him.

Well, Lisa... here...

Oh, my God, I will tell him.

As you know, Anne is very religious.

Without going into too much detail, she refuses to get her tongue pierced

and go down on me until I accept Jesus as my Savior.

Thank you for keeping it vague.

So, last night when Anne and I ran into Sheila,

she gave me the push that I needed, and I decided to get baptized!

I convinced Lisa to get adult baptized. That's a thing I did.

- Morning, elders. - Hi, honey.

Abba-dabs! So, where did you all meet up, Lisa?

And at what time, and what else did you discuss?

I grew up without sisters, so I love hearing what women talk about

when there are no men around. Were men around?

Oh, Sheila was just out front, going to her car,

and, God, you were on fire.

You were like, "Get baptized! Live your truth!"

Every body is a bikini body!"

Oh, and you really helped Anne.

Well, tell Joel what I did.

- Because he is loving this. - I am.

Anne's been fixated on these missing people in Santa Clarita.

Your wife was all, "Stop thinking about work

and use the creative side of your fucking brain."

And then she slapped her ass.

Sometimes I do that to make a point. Right, honey?

It's new and I love it.

Well, it got the message across.

Anne marched straight to my garage, set up her easel,

and she has been painting ever since.

I got Anne off her crazy investigating and into painting.

- Good for me, right? - Good for you.

Yeah, you deserved that lobster.

Hm?

You said something about getting your dinner out of a lobster tank.

Hm...

Oh, God damn it!

We're out of frozen strawberries.

- I just bought some. - No, Dad. Come look.

The lack of strawberries is appalling.

Nope. No strawberries.

Just your leftover lobster from last night.

Ooh, I make a mean lobster scramble.

No! I don't mean to be rude,

but you told me all these things I already know because I was there.

So if you don't mind, I gotta start my day.

Look at this attitude. You gonna slap my ass?

Come on, slap it. Come on.

Hey, your mom is so fierce,

especially in those red boots you were wearing last night.

I mean, Anne is obsessed with them.

Would you hate it if I got her exactly the same ones?

Not at all. But they don't sell them in my kitchen, so...

Lisa, I'll walk with you. I have to talk to Eric anyway.

You two spend so much time together. When are you gonna date?

We're just friends.

You know, Eric's too shy to tell you, but he has a lovely you-know-what.

When he was born, all the nurses said it was impressive, but not ostentatious.

These are Professional nurses, talking like that?

It's Boone's Nazi friend. The one who sold us raffle tickets.

I guess even in a blackout, I knew not to kill Carl,

so I rage-killed a Nazi.

Why'd you bring him here?

I must've remembered the storage unit freezer was full.

Pretty smart gal, that blackout Sheila. I wonder where she gets it.

He's wearing his work uniform.

Maybe you killed him at "NMS Impound & Tow."

Oh, my God. Maybe that's where I left my boot.

The one Sheriff Anne is obsessed with, and if she sees at a bloody crime scene,

she'll immediately connect to you?

"Yes, that one," she answers with a less judgmental tone in her voice.

We need to get to that impound yard.

There could be witnesses, other body parts.

You could've slapped bloody handprints on who knows how many dead asses.

Oh, my God, witnesses! I remember something.

What?

There was a tall man in a red shirt waving at me.

Let's go.

- Hey. - Abby, hi.

Is your dad checking out that Japopo's clam distributor

we found yesterday?

No, he got distracted.

There's a dead guy in our freezer, and they don't know how he got there.

But I've ruled out suicide.

I once found my mom's vibrator in the vegetable crisper.

Ooh.

Okay, here are the ideas I worked up for the fracking billboard.

So, vandalism doesn't come naturally to me,

but two Mountain Dews, and the beast is off its leash!

- Sugar-high Eric! Drink that go-go juice. - Yeah!