2001 Maniacs

-Take aim! -Take aim!

-Fire! -Fire!

Unprecedented, historic casualties.

More Americans died in the so-called Civil War

than in the two World Wars combined.

Six-hundred and eighteen thousand.

Although the popular media usually portrays the Civil War

as a series of epic battles for honor and glory,

the reality is far from either.

General Sherman's march through South Carolina alone

cost over 8,000 innocent Southerners their lives.

Yep.

Sparing no women or children,

Sherman reduced the city of Columbia to ashes overnight,

so while you're on spring break next week down in Florida,

you might better understand why so many Southerners

still are angry at the North and their rampage of death and destruction.

l get it.

Their fashion might be a little bit out of date.

-Nelson. -Rest assured, one day in the future,

your grandkids will be laughing at photos of you.

Shit.

All right, all right, settle down.

One of the big problems for the Southerners...

Fucking piece of shit! God damn it!

-Nelson! -lt's jammed, sir.

-What's going on? -Oh, God.

Have a nice break. See you in two weeks. You, you, you.

Stay!

lt's about respect, gentlemen.

Respect for me, respect for the subject matter,

but most of all, respect for yourselves.

Papers like this,

"General Sherman: A Total Badass,"

ain't going to cut it.

Your antics today clearly demonstrated how serious you are about your studies.

You, Anderson, you missed class yesterday.

Actually, l didn't miss it at all.

You think this is very funny, eh?

This university won't miss any of you next semester,

when you're expelled.

That is, unless you all turn in three new term papers

by, let's say, the end of spring break.

Let me remind you of an old saying.

"Those who don't learn from history

"are doomed to repeat it."

Gentlemen, the party's over.

-Yeah! -Yeah! Yes!

Vilano Beach, Palm Beach, Palm Coast.

-Daytona! -Shut the fuck up.

-How much farther are we? -l don't know. lt's not even that bad.

lt's only, like, another eight hours till Florida.

So dump the fucking map. l'll find us a shortcut.

Dude, this is so nice, man.

Why do we even want to go to Florida? We should just stay right here.

Have you guys taken a moment to look around you? Look at this place!

Yeah. lt's fucking awesome.

l love the smell of cow shit in the morning.

-Take it all in, boys. Sniff it. -All right, all right, all right.

l know what l'm gonna write my term paper on.

"Cow Shit of the South: The Smell of Victory."

Dudes!

The whole point was getting away from history class.

-What is that? -Oh, my God!

Fuck! What the fuck is this?

Who is this guy?

What the fuck? That was my armadillo. We've been tracking that all day.

-You totally wasted it. -l'm sorry, man. l didn't see it.

lt was like it fell out of the sky, dude, l swear.

Tell you what. lf, you know... lf you give me and Dr. Mambo here a lift,

-you know, we'll totally call it even. -Dr. Mambo?

-Where you guys heading? -South. Daytona Beach.

Awesome! Awesome! Let me get my pack, dude.

Yeah, hop in, man. Go.

Face!

The way l see it, if we drive through the night,

we'll be quaffing beers by noon and boffing chicks by 5:00.

And pushing up daisies by midnight.

Go, banjo boy, go!

All right!

Whoa.

Holy...

-Fucking... -Shit.

-God, man. l could drink her bath water. -Dude, l'd eat the peanuts out of her shit.

She's not your type, dawg. Trust me.

Dude, if she has a pulse, she's my type. Watch and learn.

Hey, man.

What's up, dude?

Not much. Just going on a road trip with the ladies.

-Where are you guys heading? -Daytona Beach.

My brother's got a beach house. On the beach.

-Yeah. Must be fate. -Must be. We're headed there mañana.

Cool. Well, l was thinking that...

We should all hook up when you guys hit town.

-You got a number, hon? -Yeah. Sure.

You wouldn't happen to have a pen or paper?

Who needs paper?

You know what, ma'am? l couldn't agree with you more.

-So, what's your name, cowboy? Anderson.

Whenever you're finished, you can come up for air,

Anderson.

And what is your name?

l'll tell you.

lf l call.

-Later, boys. -On the beach.

Was that a score? l can't really say.

She'll call. She wants the house.

Okay. We're in Deliverance country now,

so unless you're into squealing like Porky Pig's love bitch, Nelson,

-we need a shortcut. -You guys have no faith, man. Let's go.

Nice overalls, dude.

Pushing up daisies by midnight.

Yep. Yep, we're lost. Yep.

Great. Anderson, you got the map? Of course you don't.

-lt's in the trunk. -Trunk? Yeah.

Way to stay up with me, guys. l gotta do all the driving while they...

lt's midnight, boy!

Man, shut up! Hey, hey, hey!

lt's just a dream.

Dream, whatever. Where the fuck are we?

You took a shortcut, didn't you, Nelson?

Hey, look. l tried to wake you two douchebags, all right?

This is your fault, too. Kind of.

-Our fault? -Yeah. l mean, no.

-Guys, look, sign, all right? Detour sign. -Enough. Enough. Get out of the front seat.

Come on. Get out. Get out.

-l'm driving. That's it. That's it. -Fine, you drive.

Shit.

-Later! -Shit! Wait up!

Assmunches.

-Get him. -Hey!

-l can't reach him. -You cinched my sack. Bitch!

l just want to go to the beach!

This isn't a real detour. Where the hell are we?

Whoa.

Check it out.

Looks like it's abandoned.

What the hell is that?

This place is like a ghost town.

Welcome to Pleasant Valley.

Well, don't be a wet ding-dong, fellas. Buckman's the name.

Mayor's my game.

Now, why don't y'all here give us a big howdy-do?

Anderson Lee. Nice to meet you, sir. My two partners here go by...

Lee? Lee. Anderson Lee.

My, my, my, what a beautiful surname you...

-Y'all ain't from the South now, are you? -Born and raised, sir.

Lived in South Carolina till freshman year.

Then you crossed over to the other side, l see.

Well, well, we might just save you yet.

You see, y'all arrived just in time to be our honored guests

at the Guts 'n Glory Jubilee!

Dude, l say we get the hell out of Dodge. Like, my brother's waiting on us, bro.

Well, good morning, Miss Peaches.

lf l supply the peaches, do you think you boys could supply the cream?

-We're staying. At least for five minutes.

Well, looky here.

Appears we got more guests fresh on the way.

-What? -The pussy wagon's here.

Well, don't that beat all?

You all the prettiest damn Yanks l ever seen.

Jesus Christ, it's Toontown.

Toony Town? Son, this is Pleasant Valley, and for the next two days,

there's gonna be nothing but dancing and games,

and best of all,

a mouth-watering barbecue.

Let me guess. Detour sign?

-Detour sign. What do you think? -l'm game for anything.

Tell you what. You stay, we'll stay.

Cool.

Judas Priest.

We got ourselves two more Yanks for the jubilee.

What the hell kind of detour was that?

-And a negro and Chinaman to boot. -That's Chinawoman.

And what a woman!

Well, don't just stand around, folks!

Granny's got rooms waiting on you at the hotel.

Come on! Come on!

Welcome to Granny Boone's hotel.

What's up?

l don't think so, Amos.

-l'm Hestor. And l'm Glendora.

Granny Boone said we're supposed to show you to your rooms.

You girls want to burn some blunts?

You know, spleef?

Reefer?

You two are so lucky you're hotties.

-Anymore luggage, boy? -Boy?

Ain't y'all motherfucks ever heard of the civil rights movement?

ls that anything like a bowel movement?

-What, are you out of your fucking mind? -Kick back, hon.

Granny Boone done wash out some fresh sheets for you.

Guess you people aren't wearing those things anymore, huh?

Tell me, where do black folks hang out around here?

From off that tree down there yonder, usually.

You want to get down, huh? All right.

Chill, baby. l don't think our bell-hick is playing with a full deck here.

Granny Boone say we gotta please all of our festival guests.

Even you.

Well, we wouldn't want to piss old Granny Boone off now, would we?