American Dad!

Right now, the height of bird-watching season,

there's no place I'd rather be, buddy.

Hundred percent, pal.

Klaus invited me to his black-belt ceremony today.

Told him to stuff it.

Whoa! A common brown-breasted brownbird!

You think that's cool? Check your six!

Two common brown-breasted brownbirds!

And coming in slow from the east, eight more CBBBs!

And a crow! And a blue jay!

And a Russian spy satellite falling through the atmosphere!

It struck a blimp! The blimp is out of control!

The blimp is careening towards the power plant!

Birds, Steve.

A pigeon!

Ah! A scarlet tanager!

The one we've been waiting for.

Truly a precious moment.

What the...

Is that man stealing those bird eggs?

Quick, we have to follow him!

Something terrible is happening here!

There he is!

Oh, my God. What's going on here?

Oh, my God. I frickin' sat on an anthill again.

There are ants all over me.

There are literally ants going in and out of my dang mouth.

Is there even one on you?

Those weirdos inside are really into eggs, though, huh?

Aah!

Armed robbery in progress at the Bobby Freeze!

This damn five-eight-eight bit me, Sarge!

You're gonna need a shot, piggy!

Unh-unh. Unh-unh.

He's got a gun!

Get down!

Run!!

- I want my lawyer! - Drop the gun now!

- And I want my wife back! - I will put you down, man!

I swear to God, I will put you down!

We saw a man steal a bird egg.

Get the *** out of here!

- Are you *** crazy? - Get the *** out!

And I think we'll need to talk to your superior

about that language.

His language was even more offensive than that other man's.

Where are good citizens supposed to go

to report egg-related crimes?

Oh, you boys got an egg problem?

Go to the Oology Department at Groff College.

Ask for Professor Elizabeth Hadley.

She helped me identify a strange egg I found on the bus.

It was a Cadbury egg.

Thank you. You've been a very helpful prostitute.

Prostitute?! How dare you! I was doing insider trading!

And I got that on tape.

You no-good kids set me up!

Wait'll I get my hands on you!

We gotta get out of this police station!

Ooh, two for one on Jalapeño Beefers.

That'd be a filling snack for Steve and his friends

after an afternoon of roller-blading.

Clip it.

$1 off Bongiovanni brand spaghetti sauce.

"Zesty Italian" flavor. Hmm.

What if I bought this sauce? It's a good deal.

And it might taste good.

"Zesty"? It sounds a little... wild.

But I like your old sauce

with the ketchup and the apple slices.

I've made my decision. We're trying the sauce.

And then, he held up the egg

and all the other men had eggs, too.

Tell her about the ants, Steve.

I'm not going to!

It's good you came to me.

The man you saw is Commodore Francis Stoat.

He leads a secret society of hoarders

who illegally collect endangered bird eggs.

They call themselves...

the Order of the Hand and Nest.

People collect eggs?

I want to show you both something.

Boy, people collect everything these days.

My cousin Ira collects the panties

of the different women he's slept with.

Isn't that dirty? I think it's so dirty.

Do you think that's a good idea for a cousin, Steve?

The Groff College Egg Collection.

We have to keep it under such tight security

because of the Order of the Hand and Nest.

They're always trying to sneak in here.

Just ask our air-conditioning repairman. He knows.

It's appalling.

Exactly... Wait!

You're not our air-conditioning repairman!

That's our air-conditioning repairman!

Ha-ha!

Damn it! That's what I was talking about!

It's why I've formed a group of volunteer egg protectors.

It's our goal to thwart the Order o...

Wait a minute. We don't even have air conditioning!

Ha-ha!

Why are these people so into eggs?!

I mean, they're just eggs.

Everyone should be into eggs.

Nature's most elegant structure.

In here, all life begins, and all life ends.

I believe we go back into an egg when we die,

but where I choose to protect the eggs,

the Order desires only to collect them.

They have... the egg madness!

Egg madness?

The overwhelming desire to possess an egg.

It's latent in all of us.

The more we're around eggs,

the more we're likely to snap.

I keep it under control, though.

I still don't get it.

I don't get it, either. I don't get...

how I ever lived without these wonderful, wonderful eggs!

Son of a bitch.

I got the egg madness, y'all!

Ah, yes, the ceremonial gong

I got from ZGallery has been banged.

The Order of the Hand and Nest

is happy to welcome a new member.

Sinjin St. John,

retired maritime lawyer and avid egg collector.

Ooh. "Avid" is a similar-sounding word

to "ovum," which means egg.

Yes. That was the joke.

I have an egg. Would you like to see it?

You read my mind.

Well, would you look at that. I'm in hog heaven over here.

A second gong? Is that rare?

- No, it happens every meeting. - Ohh.

Well, it still feels like I should be right in front!

Behold the egg of the loggerhead shrike.

Let the de-yolking commence!

Careful.

Nice and easy.

Slowly.

Real careful-like.

- I know! - Eyes on the egg!

Don't get distracted!

The egg...

is collected.

Ohh.

I know you all probably need a second to reload,

but I can go again.

Not a brag, just a fact.

Zesty Italian. It's Bongiovanni brand.

Just give it a try.

Lot of herbs in there.

I'll throw it away.

No, no, no. No, no. Be still.

Mmm. Good sauce, Ma.

Real good.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

It's got some kick to it.

Oh! Some "cogliones!"

- Mmm! - Mmm!

It's getting hot and zesty in here!

By God, I love this woman!

Don't you muss my hair, you big, dumb gorilla!

I am a man and you are a woman!

Wow. Your parents are so in love.

I'm hearing this from you?

You don't know if you're coming or going! Get a job!

Ugh! So help me, I love this man!

Mmm.

Mmm!

Great eggs, everybody!

Did you... Did you drive here?

Am I supposed to go?

Or are we gonna... after party?

So it's true. You joined the Order.

Oh! Steve, you just missed everyone, you goose!

I saw them. I saw everything. Through the window.

You should have tapped on the glass.

I would have passed you a deviled egg.

They were so good. Though I've never had a bad one.

- I'm mad at you, Roger! - What?!

These are the bad guys. They steal eggs from birds!

You used to care about birds.

And I still do. Birds are great.

Don't forget, birds are where the eggs come from.

Yes, but don't also don't forget,

eggs are where the birds come from.

Who cares about birds?!

We did. Come on, Roger,

the tanagers are still in the meadow.

Pa-yuss.

I won't just sit back

and let you get away with stealing eggs.

I don't care about your threats, Steve.

I've got egg madness. I'll do anything for an egg.