State of the Union

- Hi. - Hello.

How's your day been?

Oh, you know.

No. Tell me.

What?

Nothing. I'm just waiting for an answer to my question.

What, there's nothing weird about me?

No. You look nice.

Oh, I see, OK. Right.

- Please stop now. - Stop saying you look nice?

All of it, the... the...

The smiling, the looking at me, the get-up.

It's not a get-up. I'm hardly wearing fancy dress.

The effect is somewhat similar.

- I'm trying. - I see that.

- Try in a different way. - OK, give me some tips.

For example, the text message you sent me this morning.

- Ah, more things like that? - No, nothing like that.

- What was wrong with it? - It was creepy.

"Looking forward to seeing you later." That one?

- Yes. - That was creepy?

- Yes. - Jesus.

- It sounds like you're trying. - I am trying.

Well, don't.

I'd try if you were someone new.

Of course, but I'm not, am I?

Were you looking forward to seeing me?

- Oh, yes. - That is a lie.

No. You weren't looking forward to seeing me, then?

I saw you yesterday.

But that was just, you know, parenting.

We didn't have a chance to chat.

- Have a catch-up? - If you want.

It's not really starting again, though, is it?

Catch up with people you've known for a long time.

I mean, if we stay living apart, that's what we'll be doing.

We'll be saying, "Hi. How you been?

"Kids are doing well, aren't they?

"Got any good graduation photos?

- "Nice to meet you, Naomi." - Who's Naomi?

Or Jenny or Jackie or whatever, your new partner.

And that doesn't make you feel a bit sick?

No, not really. I mean,

if we do split, I'd like us all to get along.

"Us all" includes your new partner, I presume?

Your Colin or Roger or Nigel?

- Oh, thanks. - Just examples of names.

Really crap names.

I'm sure they're very nice people.

You wouldn't turn your nose up at Colin Firth

or Roger Federer or Nigel...Kennedy.

Nigel Kennedy?

Nigel de Jong.

- Who's that? - It's a Dutch footballer.

Shoulda got sent off in the World Cup final.

He studded a Spanish player in the chest right up here.

It was a terrible challenge.

You're not selling him to me.

I'm sure he's not like that at home.

Anyway, you weren't thinking about those people.

You were thinking about home counties bank managers.

Nothing wrong with bank managers.

We could use one in the family. My solvency issues.

Shouldn't be too sniffy.

Can we not talk about my next partner?

OK.

Let's talk about mine.

What does Naomi do, as a matter of interest?

Naomi? Mm... No, not getting anything.

Well, give me another one, then. How about Jenny?

Talk to me about lovely Jenny.

Jenny. Jenny's just opened her own coffee shop.

You went in there to work every day.

You got to know her and the rest is history.

Well, history in the future, anyway.

Speculative history, a new literary genre.

Oh, and she loves kids but she missed her moment

because she spent too long with a bloke

who couldn't make up his mind and now it's too late.

- Oh, why is it too late? - Because she's too old.

No. No.

No, you're not palming me off with old Jenny.

- You're in your fifth decade. - Yeah, but Jenny's not.

Jenny's sprightly and young.

Lots of older men end up with younger women.

There's Ronnie Wood

and Rupert Murdoch, Nelson Mandela.

What have they got that you haven't?

What have I got that they haven't?

I'm much younger than those lads.

You might be drifting into unwise territory.

You're probably right.

Anyway, if you had kids, of course...

Well, I mean, not that that would be very good,

but, anyway, if you did have children again,

you'd be good for a game of football in the backyard

but as for the other stuff...

I would be better at technology stuff

than Rupert Murdoch,

who I doubt knows how to do Spotify.

He'd have staff.

But he wouldn't be able to use them in a contest.

Fair enough.

Also, I would kill Rupert Murdoch at tennis

because I've got a height advantage

as well as the age advantage.

You should challenge him, settle this once and for all.