Serial Mom

That's a nice dress you're wearing this morning, Misty.

Thanks, Dad.

- Want the entertainment section? - Not yet, Dad, thanks.

Got any donuts?

Of course not, Chip.

You know they're bad for the teeth.

Always the dentist.

Who wants fruit salad?

Oh, I do, please.

Misty, that's not gum in your mouth, is it?

It's sugarless.

Misty, you know how I hate gum. All that chomping and chewing.

I'm sorry, Mom.

All right.

- Hey, Chip. - Mmm?

You think I could get 50 cents for Village People on vinyl?

You might get a buck.

Carl can't believe how much I make at swap meets.

Who, may I ask, is Carl?

Just a boy.

He's picking me up this morning.

Here we go again.

He's really cute.

Misty, cute is not enough. You know that.

She sure can pick them.

He goes to college with me.

Leave her alone, Chip. I think it's great Misty's got a new beau.

Chip, honey?

Thanks, Mom.

Listen to this.

"Hillside Strangler gets his college degree in prison."

That's nice, dear.

Nice? He should have been executed.

Yeah, the death penalty.

He killed people, Mom.

We all have our bad days.

You'd probably date him. "He's cute!"

All right, that's enough.

Hey, Dad, have you ever seen Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer?

Oh, sure, Chip.

I most certainly have not.

You've been working in that video shop too long.

Mind your own business.

Well, it better hadn't be interfering with your schoolwork.

I do great in school, Dad.

Well, your mother has PTA today.

We'll see what your teacher has to say.

Oh, Mom, I hate Mr. Stubbins.

Don't say "hate," dear. Hate is a very serious word.

There! Scrambled eggs, anybody?

Who on earth...

- Mrs. Sutphin? - Yes.

I'm Detective Pike. This is Detective Gracey.

Oh, come in.

I'm Dr. Eugene Sutphin. What seems to be the trouble, Officers?

Is there a killer loose?

No, son. Nothing that exciting.

Oh, this is our son, Chip, and our daughter, Misty.

Hi.

Jeez...

Oh.

Officer, I'm sorry, but we don't allow gum in this house.

Sorry, ma'am.

We're investigating obscene phone calls and mail threats

to a certain Mrs. Dottie Hinkle.

I know Dottie.

She lives right down the street.

Could you take a look at this and...

Tell us of anyone who might be responsible?

I should warn you, this

Oh, my!

That... That is the limit.

Let me see.

No, Son. This is a matter for adults.

Officers, I have never even said the "P" word out loud,

let alone have written it down.

No woman would.

Officers, life doesn't have to be ugly.

See, look at the birds out there.

Listen to their call...

Chip, there's your ride.

Hey, I'm gonna be late for work. Goodbye, honey.

Okay.

Excuse me.

Hi, Scotty.

Thanks for your time, everybody.

Bye, Detective Pike.

Hi, Birdie!

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Sutphin.

That's Birdie. She's a horror nut, just like my son.

Oh, Birdie, this is Detective Gracey and Detective Pike.

Hiya, boys.

Bye-bye, honey!

Good morning, Scott.

Hey, Misty, look what I got. A Pee-Wee Herman doll.

Can you sell it for me at the flea market?

Wow! Still in the box! I sure can!

Oh, God, here comes Carl.

You must be Mrs. Sutphin. Carl Pageant.

Oh, yes. Misty's date.

Well, more of a friend, really.

- Take it easy, man. - Bye.

See what Birdie gave me to sell at the flea market?

That guy's a weirdo. Come on, let's go.

I'll take it.

- Bye, Mom. - Bye, honey.

Oh, Detectives? Here's something you should be interested in.

A grown boy who doesn't wear his seatbelt.

Christ, that one was Beaver Cleaver's mother.

Oh, leave her alone.

Mrs. Sutphin's about as normal and nice a lady

as we're ever gonna find.

Hello?

Is this the Cocksucker residence?

God damn you! Stop calling here.

Isn't this 4215 Pussy Way?

You bitch!

Now let me check the zip code. 212-fuck you!

Beverly? Beverly, darling? You home?

The police are tracing this call this very minute.

Well, Dottie Hinkle, then why aren't they here, huh, fuck-face?

Fuck you!

Beverly, you home?

I know you are.

Beverly?

Hmm.

Didn't I just say fuck you?

I beg your pardon.

Who is this?

Mrs. Wilson from the telephone company.

I understand you're having problems with an obscene phone caller?

Yes, I am. I'm sorry, Mrs. Wilson, but this is driving me crazy.

I've had my number changed twice already.

I'm a divorced woman. Please help me.

Beverly?

Well, what exactly does this sick individual say to you?

I can't say the words out loud. I don't use bad language.

Oh, well, I know it's difficult, but we need to know the exact words.

I'll try.

Cocksucker. That's what she calls me.

Listen to your filthy mouth, you fucking whore!

God damn you!

Motherfucker.

Cocksucker!

- Beverly? - Rosemary.

Are you all right?

Oh, yes, of course. I'm fine.

Oh, how nice. You remembered.

It's the least I could do.

I heard shouting.

Oh, it's that cable TV company.

You know how they are.

Did you hear about poor Dottie Hinkle?

Yes, I did. It's terrifying.

The police were at my house this morning.

Now who on earth would want to harass poor Dottie Hinkle?

Bye-bye.

But, Mr. Stubbins, my son studies every night.

He's trying as hard as he can.

Well, some teenagers just aren't college material, Mrs. Taplotter.

It's nothing to cry over.

Now, there are other parents waiting.

Thank you for taking the time to come to PTA.

- Hi, Betty. - Oh, hi, Beverly.

Oh, I love your outfit.

Oh, thanks.

- Hi. - Hi.

Liz Claiborne.

Well, Mrs. Sutphin, where's that husband of yours?

Feeling a little down in the mouth?

Oh, Ralph. You're so funny.

Oh, brother.

Mrs. Sutphin?

Yes, right here.

Mrs. Sutphin, I'm Paul Stubbins, Chip's math teacher.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

Here's a little something that I made.

Oh.

Fruitcake. Well, thank you, Mrs. Sutphin.

Have a seat.

Oh, yes.

Well, Chip's off to a fine start this year.

He's focused, conscientious, he participates actively in classroom discussions...

He's a good boy.

There is one big problem, though.

What is it?

His unhealthy obsession with sick horror films.

Oh, no.

Chip's the assistant manager at a video store...

That's no excuse for a morbid imagination.

I caught him drawing this in class last week.

Is there a problem at home?

Of course not.

Divorce? Alcoholic relative?

Tell me, did Chip torture animals when he was young?

No, he did not.

Mr. Stubbins, we are a loving and supportive family.

Well, you're doing something wrong, Mrs. Sutphin.

I'd recommend therapy for your son.

Thank you for taking the time to come to PTA.